The day started out in a slumber. What did this day hold? If my day was defined by the current weather conditions I should just bury myself in the blankets and throw in the towel. The sky was dark grey and the wind as moving the clouds. The autumn leaves were no longer glistening they were wet and soggy like corn flakes left in a bowl.
Danielle and I decided to have coffee due to the current weather conditions. It was just what the doctor ordered. I am so blessed to have such good friends.
I knew she really loved me when I looked at her watch and realized she let me hijack her for over an hour and a half! I could have talked about Ariel for hours. I not only came with stories I brought pictures! Such good therapy.
It seemed unfair that I had to live life. It didn't seem like I should have to go and run errands. I can not imagine what would have happened to me if I did not have the boys to be responsible for. I remember when my mom died the world completely stopped for me for months. I did nothing for a very very long time.
I came home, turned up my music as loud as I could blasting David Crowder Band and grabbed my cleaning rags. From one room to the next I scrubbed the floors clean. On my hands and knees I methodically polished those floors.
The music was deafening. It blocked out all the voices in my head. It was so loud I couldn't hear myself think. I didn't want to think. It hurt so bad to think, to feel and to reminisce. But with each song I found such comfort. The music was healing. I have always loved music. It drives our emotions and echos the direction of our heart.
Sheba suddenly bounced up and ran downstairs. "Hmm, I wonder if she heard something." I thought. As I walked downstairs I saw mom out front. I walked out and was then greeted by Kim also. She brought me a gift. So sweet. She brought me a plant. She knew how much that I wanted a plant. I don't have many requests and my requests are heartfelt and Kim knew that. I have 3 plants in my house and they are in remembrance of someone very special to me. Now I have 4 and this one is amazing "JUST" like Ariel!
It is crazy to watch God work miracles in the midst of tragedy. I never thought I would see the day "Kim" came to my house with gifts. God has softened the blow of this horrific family hardship by mending bridges with love and forgiveness that only HE could do.
Pain will take you places you never thought you would go. It will hold you captive, preventing you from experiencing true joy. Pain will mess with your head and find a way for you to justify your actions associated with it. Pain will become your best friend and your worst enemy all the while destroying you and everything you are associated with. Pain is the catalyst for so many dysfunctional emotions.
But when you experience the pain, the hurt the disappointments of life you will have 2 roads: The one that will make you bitter or the one that will make you better. YOU CHOOSE!!
"Kim" shared sincere honesty with me the last couple days. I have not spoken to my sister in law in 2 years. When she asked me in tears on Tuesday morning for "Forgiveness" I new God was performing miracles.
When Alec came home from school he asked if he could go for a run with me. I really wanted to go on one of the paths that Ariel and I had taken. It had been a few years but it seemed like just yesterday.
As I was getting dressed I got into a bag Danielle had given me this morning, She gave me a gift with a new running outfit in it. I tried on the knew running skirt and it fit perfectly.
We jumped in the car with Sheba and headed to Sorenson Park. They have a 5k trail.
I wanted to feel a little bit of Ariel. I wanted to see the places with went to and relive a moment.
The trail was beautiful with leaves covering the path and the sun shining through the trees. I loved the sound of the leaves beneath my shoes. I felt so free. I looked ahead of me and saw this 10 year old boy running with confidence. He was jumping over branches and snagging blades of grass in his little fingers. It reminded me of such innocent youthfulness.
After doing the loop twice by accident and getting lost we decided to just retrace our footsteps in hopes of keeping this run as simple as pie.
As we finished Alec sat down on the rock outside of the trail head. It was the same rock Ariel had posed for me over 5 years ago. I had to get a picture. As we walked to the car and headed home Alec says "Mom, I really love running with you. I want to do it again." Then he said this and it broke my heart "Mom, Will you save that picture and post it on a board when I die." "Oh Alec, Stop that." I replied with a burdened heart. But he was serious, he continued to discuss his photo arrangements and then interrupted himself with a new idea.
"Mom, I want a verse."
"Alec what do you want your verse to say about you?"
"Well what about Ariels verse Phil 4:13"
"No, that is her verse, What is your verse mom?"
"Jeremiah 33:3 "‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’
"Mommy what does that mean?"
"It means call out to God, seek him, he will answer you and will show you things that you never thought could happen, He will show you awesomeness, he will show you things you never thought you could see, achieve or be apart of."
"Mom, will you help find a verse?"
"Yes hunny, when we get home."
No matter how bad the pain or no matter how hard the obstacles of life are presented to us we have to learn to respond with intention. Intending to try our best, to find forgiveness, challenge ourselves to be better every day. Someone is being influenced by our behavior. There is a hidden audience watching you, defining you and often influenced by you.
Just like Alec. He saw this beautiful girl with all these beautiful pictures portraying her full of life and vitality. Enjoying everything she did. Alec wanted his moments to stand still in time for when his time came. He was reflecting Ariel's legacy, he was inspired by the things that made her Amazing.
Special thanks to the "Cusacks". They brought over a beautiful dinner from the Holly Hotel. I was so blessed I went upstairs crying. Austin must have heard as he shouts "MOM, WHY are you crying? Please don't cry!" "It is a good cry Austin, it is ok." I gently responded.
What songs help you or have helped you the past few days? I would like to add some to my Ariel Playlist.