"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

A New Heart in Damaged Goods

We  look at people at face value.
We see what we see and we don't know what we don't know.

Everyone has a story.

My dad died when I was 11. As a small child I was actually rather quiet and bashful. Surrounded by violent alcoholics I never trusted anyone.
The day my father died we all went back to my Aunt Marys house. I remember feeling so small. Minisule. Unnoticed. Irrelevant. Confused.
"My father died, does anyone care I am without a father the REST of my life?"

It didn't seem fare. Everyone was grieving and I was alone, fatherless.

This tall Mexican gal walks up to me with the most beautiful smile. Her long dark hair falling around her face as she knelt down and looked me in the eyes.
"ANITA! I am your sister....."
WHAT? WHAT? I have a sister? I had no idea. I thought I was my daddys one and only.
I felt betrayed.
The reality was my daddy was a good man, he loved me, he cared for me but he really wasn't around me that much in those 11 years.
He never rescued me from the abusive drunken evenings. He never saved me from the foster homes I was in. Or took my mom away from that nasty boyfriend.

But he came back to my mother to have her care for him when he was dying.
I remembered that. I remember the last 6 months. I loved my daddy.

Some of our stories start very very early. They rob us of our innocence. They steal away our childhood. They hurt us.

Damaged Goods.

We make mistakes in our teens. Some of us recover and some of us continue to make mistakes.
Some of us were never given the tools to make good choices. And some of are so damaged we just continue to self destruct  because all we know is pain. We don't even know how to feel Joy, Happiness or Contentment. We even subconsciously sabotage happiness because it is so foreign to us.

Warm tears streamed down my face as "JOYCE" gave her testimony of her abuse as a child. She spoke at our addiction group on Tuesday night to hundreds of addicts, family members, friends and staff.
"I LOOKED for VALIDATION..." She cried out.
"Call ME a WHORE, Call me a Bi#@%, Call me a Murderer, Call me a CRACKHEAD....."
She cried and screamed.

She explained she was fatherless. Her mother was an alcoholic. She was just a innocent girl at one time. Full of life, curiosity, love, adventure....Until someone robbed her of her innocence.

"I was always looking for VALIDATION...."
Oh, the tears rolled down my cheeks. My tears. I felt my throat tightening up.

Yes, yes. That's what I do. I hate that I do that. The need to be loved. The need to be validated.
The need to be someone's something.
I buy gifts, I encourage people to a default, I go out of my way to help others, I do so many things for people to just LOVE me.
And they don't.
And I get hurt. I get confused.
They still gossip about you, make fun of you, so you know what I do...TRY HARDER...
because that makes perfect sense right?!
I cook and I bake and I text and I call....
And most of the time they just go on with their lives..
But I am the one broken.

And I cried some more.

People see a layer of me. They see me at face value. They see what I want them to see because at the end of the day most people have their own stories and their own issues.
And that's OK.

Where am I going with this...?

Reminding you to be KIND. Reminding you to look at someone's story.
Don't be soo quick to judge.
Don't be so quick to respond, react and reject.

If someone has a BEAUTIFUL story, embrace it, enjoy it but don't judge that with comments like "Must be NICE!"
"She never had a care in the world..."
YOU don't know their story. Be KIND.

And if you see someone who has struggles don't be so quick to judge and give your two cents worth. NO ONE asked YOU!
"She made her Bed..."
"That's what she gets, what goes around..."
"That's the life she chose..."

And as for me. I know God has a purpose for my story. I will continue to be who I am. I will win some of you over and I will never win some of you over.
I am getting so much better with knowing that not everyone is going to like you.
I NEED to continue to be kind, loving, affectionate and compassionate.

Some of you may not believe in GOD. But for ME...I cant imagine a life without Jesus. It is only through HIM that I am where I am.
His words, His love, His death, His resurrection, His compassion is what has healed me and has taught me to overcome.

"Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh"
Ezekiel 36:26

I don't want a stony heart. I would rather have it broken a hundred times and continue to love and forgive then be cold and embittered. 

I was talking to a client about addiction. She responded "You cant help those people.." 
It hurt me. Those people were my mother, my father...They are someone's brother, their sister...
Their outward addiction doesn't show their inward battles. 

Learn to Love.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Blue is Better

Glass City Marathon. Two weeks out.
I'm 44 years old. 45 this December.

This is no regular marathon for me. This is my SECOND run at Glass City trying to qualify AGAIN for Boston.
Last year I missed it by almost 3 minutes. I bonked at mile 21. The sun baked me. I walked when I should have been running. My eyes were dry of the tears that wanted to flood them. I knew it was not going to happen. My legs were like lead weights. I felt like I was running in muck, going no where fast or slow.
I remember the sky being SOOO BLUE. It was the most beautiful day. The Perfect day to qualify for Boston.
The perfect day for my running partner, Lacey, but not me.

For the last 14 weeks, I have silently been suffering. Running more intentionally than I enjoy. I have been beating my body up on pavement and suffering in freezing cold temps. I have been in emotional agony over long runs and a big whiny mess. The demons haunt me.
Failure has a target on me.

Last week a client of mine came in. "Anita, how is your running going?" Sometimes I am just amazed that people still ask. Running is of course next to my family and my Faith my next greatest passion.
"Steve" always asks questions about my running. My heart melts with just those few words.

"Blue is better. What would life be without Blue..."
For weeks I have felt "BLUE". Nervous, anxious, discouraged. Those closest to me know this. If you have been reading my blogs without falling asleep, you too know that I have been emotionally stressed over qualifying for Boston.

Today Lacey and I headed over to Paula and Matts house. The Sky was Blue. My new running shoes were Blue, my running pants were Blue, my running shirt was even BLUE.
My Spirit. 

I was running next to this girl who worked her BUTT off and was going to BOSTON. I am so proud of her.
Her Dream was MY DREAM.
Her SMILE was MY Smile.

And...She is my number one fan.
"Friendship improves happiness and abates misery by doubling our JOY and dividing our Grief." Joseph Addison

This past week, I ran a lot solo. It was tough to do. I love running with my squad. I opened Instagram and my news feed was flooded with pictures of them all running together, Facebook more pictures and even a group text thread we are all in with even MORE pictures and videos. Smiles, laughter, goofiness. And I ran alone, suffering, sweating beating myself up with no running partner but the demons that haunt me all week.
I would find encouragement from those little words of a few that have been checking in on me.
My client Steve, just simply asks "Anita, how is your running going?"
Or my family miles away texting me encouragement.
The encouragement from just a few goes far to keep you going as you are suffering solo.

With my dreamer next to me, the four of us took off in the blue sky. BLUE IS BETTER. Each person next to me, Paula, Lacey and Matt, have done EPIC things. The four of us have all encouraged each others dreams and goals. Always cheering for each other and supporting one another. I was so happy to have them along side of me.

Distance: 14 miles
Where: Polly Ann Trail
Pace: 9:18

Boston Qualifying time for me: 3h55min
That means I basically need a 3:50 to guarantee me a spot.

"Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. 
Failure is delay,not defeat.
It is a temporary detour, not a dead end." Denis Waitley

"Anita, I want to run Boston one time together, you and me, holding hands across that finish line." Laceys Dream. My dream.
Boston, One more time. 

We are tapering now. It is what it is. I would love some prayers if you remember a little runnergirl with a dream...


Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Just Start with a Smile

"Your here for a reason, you certainly are.
The world would be different without  you., by far.

If not for your hands and your eyes and your feet, 
like a puzzle, would be incomplete. 

Even the smallest things that you do
blossom and multiply far beyond you. 

A kindness, for instance, may triple for day...
or set things in motion in different ways.

It travels much further than you'll ever know...
under the treetops...
over the snow...
till it's wandered...
and fluttered...
and floated...
and twirled-

making things happen allover the world. 

You're here for a reason.
It's totally true.
Your part of a world that is counting on you. 

So don't be to worried if some days fall flat.
Good things can happen even from that. 

Life can be tricky, there isn't a doubt. 
You'll skin your knees trying to figure it out. 

But life works together, the good and the bad,
the silly and the awful, and happy and sad.
to paint a big picture we can't always see...
a picture that needs you, most definitely. 

Remember that next time a day goes all wrong...
to somebody else, you will always be strong. 

And that ball that you lose or that kite you let go
could make someone's day-
you just never know. 

Your here for a reason. If you think you're not,
I would just say that perhaps you forgot-

a piece of the world that is precious and dear
would surely be missing if you weren't here.

If not for your smile and your laugh and your heart, 
this place we call home would be minus a part.

Thank goodness you're here!
Thank goodness times two!

I just can't imagine a world without you.

Nancy Tillman

Words. Lyrics. Quotes. Verses.
I love Words.

Some days are tough to see the light of day. No matter how sunny the forecast looks our day is nothing sort of gloomy.

We get discouraged, despaired by a life that continues to rob us. There is no escaping from feeling like a living carcass being slowly pecked.

But there is so many beautiful things that each one of us carries. We were created to SHINE. To LOVE. To Give Back.

I LOVE this little poem. It's the tiny reminders that SOMEONE out there loves me. Someone out there believes in me. Sees the little things.

Being sick this week messed with my heart and my head.
I finished off my WHOLE cup of coffee like a champ this morning. Its sweet nectar made me smile with hope and excitement.
I spoke to God anxious to see how he unfolded my day.

My favorite treadmill was whispering my name. And like a little kid getting on a new bike I quivered with excitement.
My body felt strong considering I was getting over being sick and my mind was prepared to be pained by sweat and struggle.

7 miles in under a hour. That was the goal.
WORDS. Lyrics. smiles.

I FELT AMAZING! Each mile I let the lyrics seep into my skin. The words gave me energy. I thought of Gods words. I smiled. I picked up the pace. I held my shoulders back. I turned my twirpy legs over as though they belonged to someone else. My forehead beaded with sweat. It was refreshing. I was running Smooth. Easy. Strong.
I picked up the pace again.
I thought about the friends that love me. I smiled. I thought about my kids and how goofy we are. I smiled. I thought about my siblings, how we OVERCAME the odds. I smiled. I thought of the support that I so many of YOU give me through your words, your comments, your questions or even your "LIKE'S" I smiled.
The little things are so BIG.

You were created to SHINE. Get OUT of yourself. Never quit. Pause for a moment then RESET, SMILE and create happiness.
Love on someone else.
Be Beautiful inside and out.
Get out of your slumber and Shine. Good Days are inviting you, just start with a SMILE.


Monday, April 2, 2018

The Heights: SICK

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength, He makes my fee like the feet of deer, he enables me to tread on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19

I am sick. I have been struggling with a head cold for the last 3 days. I do a great job at hiding it, like a pimple, I cover it up and pretend like its not really there.
But it is, the little rascal eventually bears its ugliness.

I had a 20 mile run scheduled for today. I was going to do everything I could to get through one of my last long runs before Glass City.

The stress of qualifying for Boston at Glass City was unsurfaced last week when Lacey asked me "Why haven't you registered for Glass City?" 
I debated being honest with her. I knew I had to come clean. "Lacey, I was secretly hoping you wouldn't requalify for Boston at Boston in a couple weeks, then I wasn't going to run Glass City because I wouldn't need to qualify..." 

My confession was out. But she loves me soo much that she just chuckled, and actually babied me a bit. "Anita, you got this, You are going to ROCK." 

This morning, I stayed longer than I should in my fuzzy pajamas. I drank 2 sips of coffee, mostly out of habit, the coffee wasn't even good. You know I am sick if I can't drink coffee.

Twenty degrees at 9am. Two sips of coffee. 1 banana.
20 miles of backroads and hills with a head cold. Let the fun begin.

I decided early on I would have polite conversation, save my energy. I would just let them gab and laugh it up. As the miles went on, their chipper giggling and laughter only made me feel more whipped. It was like they were foot loose and fancy, all giddy with candid conversation. While I was just trying to get over another stinking hill. I lead the pace most of the time, trying to stay focused on my pace. But the hills came, long, short, really stinking long. They made jokes about them, putting them on a scale system.
I pierced my eyes to the top and kept nailing them until I couldn't anymore, and I knew that was eventually coming.
I tried to drink, I ate my Honeystinger chews until my belly started cramping. At that point, I secretly giggled as my tush started letting out little squeaky toots! My body was too weak to try to hold them in. They were gabbing so much I don't think they heard anything from me.

In the valley of two hills, I had to take a call from my son, in those brief moments my bladder decided it was time to go pee. I was really hoping that was ALL I had to do. I found a flat rock, out of the pickers, and like a princess on her throne I did my business. As I pulled my britches up, I looked up to discover Lacey having a candid moment with me as her subject. Say Cheese!

I still had 5 miles back home. And more hills. I wish I could say I was proud of those last 5 miles.
We were holding a great pace. We were still maintaining a 9:30min/mi.
Mile 15: 9:06
Mile16: 9:33
But mile 17, my strength was fading. I was fading. I tried so hard to stay strong. My body was cramping. My heart was pounding. I still had another hill.
I tried to stay onward. But I felt like I was losing my grip. I wanted to just curl up in bed.
One more hill. I just had to make it up one more.
I thought about Boston. Do the Hard things Nita.
Mile 17: 9:47
Mile 18: 10:50 And this was a flat mile.
Mile 19: 11:14 I walked and made myself RUN. Another mile almost seemed impossible.
Mile 20: The last Hill...9:59.  I somehow managed to pick it up and bring it home.

The last hill, we brought our pace down and kept it steady. It took everything from my weak body and wobbly knees. But I was so happy that God had gave me the strength to get through the last 19 miles that the last mile almost made me smile.
I no longer looked at that last hill, that last mile, rather I looked at how FAR God had already brought me in my illness. I was actually really stoked.
20 miles of hills, head cold and gratitude.

I was reminded today that sometimes I get caught up in the things that haven't happened, running 20 miles sick.
But I took it 1 mile at a  time. I tried to stay on pace. As each mile was conquered, I got a little more excited to see just how far God took me.

People often say to not look backwards. But I disagree. I get my strength from my yesterdays. I have seen God carry me, protect me, strengthen me and shelter me. He continues to give me Strength in my Weakness. He carries me to new Heights.


Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Suffering with Grace

"Be Yourself, Everyone else is already taken." 
Life is serious, but you don't always have to take yourself serious. 

"RUN Fast, Anita"  UGH, seriously, if one more person reminded me that I had to enter the hurt locker today I was going to go postal.

HERE's My Problem: I am really struggling with a high heart rate. My heart is pounding like I am going to end up in the ER.
I have let my body get so used to a slower pace that it flips out when I run a little bit faster. By flipping out you can practically see my chest thrusting up and down ( this is actually not an exaggeration due to the fact that I have the chest of a 10 year old BOY).

My Solution to this problem is to run faster spurts. Strides, repeats, intervals. Get my legs turning over faster and try to hold it. And try not to warm up too long. It literally takes my body about 4 miles to warm up and accept the plan. If you add my mind to the equation it takes even LONGER!

TODAY: I didn't have a lot of time, this of course was a obvious option to run faster.
My plan: Mile Repeats at a sub 8min/mi. w/ a quarter mile recovery.

Genesys Athletic Club: I met Jeff at GAC at 7:40am, after I dropped Alec off at school.
He tried to bail but I guilted him into meeting me. I needed some accountability for my upcoming  suck-fest.

Side by side, we programmed our treadmills. I started a little ahead of him. I wanted at least 5 miles, 4 -1 mile repeats.
We both had our music in to try and numb some of the pain.
"Your mama kept you but your daddy left you...." I sang loud and proud with my voice pointed at Jeff. "I'm a lonely boy..."
My legs were kicking it, my voice was jamming and I didn't care what people thought.
"You pulled my heart out and I don't mind bleeding....I got a love that keeps me waiting..." The music made me smile, made me sing and kept my legs turning over.
Jeff just rolls his eyes at my ridiculousness, with a smirk he says something but I have no idea what.
I didn't care, I was running a 7:24min/mi and smiling about it.
By the time that mile was coming to an end, I was too.
I couldn't wait to bring my TM down to a walking pace.
As focused as I was, I saw my brother was calling me from Florida. WALK BREAK, It was a perfect time to hear from one of my favorite people.
I had about 3 minutes to chat.
"You sound like HELL." Bobby said, I am sure in a very endearing way.
It was perfect timing to be interrupted from my agony.
I wouldn't answer the phone for most anyone during a workout, but my big brother, I would. Of course Jeff said it was just my excuse to get out of my suffering.  He may have been onto something.

I still had 1 more mile repeat. My legs were JELLO. I punched in my numbers. I knew I couldn't hold the same pace so I gave myself a little grace.
SUFFER Anita. Feel it. Feel the pain. Endure it. Embrace it. I whispered under my breath, "suffer,,,,suffer,,suffer .."
It hurt, everything hurt. There was no other option, suffer. You have to suffer to get stronger Anita, suffer...
Quitting was real, it was in front of me, taunting me, pleading with me, inviting me....
But quitting was not an option, suffer.

That last mile I thought of the chapters in my life that I suffered and I made it through. Oh, God it hurt, the pit was deep, the walls were dark but I didn't quit.
My bony fingers clenched. Suffer, but don't stop.

"Things that hurt, instruct. Benjamin Franklin

Even in all that misery, I was able to be my goofy middle age self, which makes my behavior even more foolish.
I just don't care. I spent too many years caring and look where that got me?
People are going to be lovers or haters. But if everyone LOVES you, you are doing things wrong.
So I smile, I laugh, I dance on the TM in my uncoordinated way and Suffer with Grace. 

My marathon tip: If you are training, treat yourself. Every few weeks treat yourself to a training accessory or article of clothing.  Shoes, socks, your marathon outfit, a  new hat you have been wanting. I can thing of lots of fun things. You have worked hard, you deserve the little training trophy's.

"It is a sublime thing to suffer and be stronger."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Sunday, March 18, 2018

My Sidekick. Fear.

Glass City, 5 weeks. The next couple weeks are peak weeks. 

My longs runs are consistent. 
But my speed work is flat. 

Mentally, I am not feeling confident that I will qualify for Boston. Fear has become an annoying sidekick that I can't shake. 

I ran over 50 miles this week. My mileage is where is should be.
But FEAR keeps tapping me on the shoulder, "Hi, Hi, HI... remember me? Remember how you failed last year..yeah,, remember how hard you bonked? Remember how bad that overpass was? You know, the one you Walked! SUCKA!" 

Today, we had the ideal conditions for a perfect long run. 45', not a cloud in the sky, Lacey mapped out a new route, we had water, Gatorade and plenty of nutrition. 

The first 4 miles my legs were just winding up. Between my legs and my lungs burning from all the backroad hills I found myself questioning the next 16 miles.

Hill after hill. I pierced my eyes at the top, shut my mouth, took my infamous deep breath and dug in. We nailed those hills. Oh how I wanted to walk them. The trail runner in me loves walking those hills. 
Lacey and I laughed how trail running has made me love walking the hills. I'm getting soft in my age. 
4 miles of dirty hilly roads were a great warm up for the next 11 miles down Dixie Hwy. We ran from Rattalee Lake Rd and Dixie Hwy to Lahring Rd. We passed Mt Holly laughing at how far down Dixie Hwy we were running. 
As soon as my feet hit the pavement my legs began to smile. 
When we turned onto Lahring Rd I was beginning to feel the last 15 miles. We had picked up the pace and Lacey informed me that I had been pushing the pace, no wonder I was getting tired. I just wanted to go but I knew my flame was burning. 

Its nice to have a good friend that gets you and understands you with out you having to describe yourself. 
As we were coming up to the overpass on Lahring Rd I was beginning to whine. "UGH, Oh my gosh, another freaking HILLLL." 
But again, we both dug in and crushed another hill at a sub 9min/mi. 
"ANITA, you are going to rock Glass City...." Lacey interrupted the voices of my side kick. It was like she knew Fear would not stop bickering at me. 
I was getting tired. I had no body aches, no twinges but I was pooping out. 
I was over the hills. My abdominal muscles were twinging from trying to run properly.  Lacey was encouraging me, but she knew I was starting to BONK.

The feeling of bonking sucks. Your legs are heavy, you are fatigued, your head is spinning with so much negativity that your entire body wants to shut down.  
BUT...you cant STOP. It usually only lasts about a mile or two. You have got to KEEP going. 
I asked Lacey to take the lead and pace us in. 
The last 3 miles we were back to running hills again. "Lacey, I'm WALKING!" I gave myself about 5 to 10 seconds and back up again. I picked up the pace on the down hills trying to balancing the pace a little better. 
I was AFRAID to see our pace. 
The last mile to Lacey is relatively flat. Lacey picked up the pace and I stayed close behind. I spoke to myself. 
"SUCK it up Anita." 
"Go, pick it up, breath and bring it in" 
"5 minutes, your done in 5, GOOO hard." 
The last half mile we had one more hill. I will be damned, Lacey RAN it hard. "I HATE YOU LACEY!" I screamed as I stayed close to her. 
"COME on NITA...." 

I LOVE this girl. Everything was burning, but I was running it to the top, I made that last turn to her house, a quarter mile down hill. 
"Run it to my mailbox, Run it to my Mailbox." 
As soon as I turned,  I was determined to finish it out strong. I embraced the sun, the temperatures, my friendship, the decline, the sweat dripping down my back, I embraced my burning lungs and my tired legs. And I just RAN. I ran and ran all the way to her mailbox. 

To tired to do anything but walk, Lacey shared our run. We nailed it. 

Distance: 20 miles. 
Pace: 9:26
We stopped at the gas station for Gatorade. I forgot to turn my watch back on for a half a mile, Typical Anita!

Today was a reminder that you can work through suffering. But it sure is a lot easier with company. My lil SIDEKICK wasn't bashful. He reared his ugly head even with Lacey today. Fear SUCKS. Its causes me anxiety, but I am going to keep ON. That little Devil isn't letting go. Therefore I am gong to have to keep training with him tagging along. But I refuse to let him own me. 
Do it afraid...But do it. 


Wednesday, March 7, 2018

my Excuses, my Failure, my Fear.

"Alec, Lets go, I want to get to the gym before I feel any worse."
"Mom,why would you go the gym if you didn't feel good?"

I questioned this all the way into Grand Blanc.
My Tylenol hadn't alleviated my pounding headache. I rarely get headaches and this one decided it was going to camp out like the antichrist. My shoulders were tense and my tummy was nauseas.

My body was slowing turning against me. I was working really hard at convincing myself that I had no other option.
I needed to run repeats. I needed to run hard and run fast. I needed to put myself in a lung burning, leg turning, heavy breathing suckfest.
I NEEDED to remember what pain and suffering felt like. Pushing myself to the point of wanting to quit was EXACTLY where I needed to be and then some.

I yawned 5 times before I made it out of the locker room. Fear was setting in. I questioned everything for the 10th time with more excuses then I originally had.

"Maybe I will just run a few miles easy, or moderate."
"What if I just run 4 repeats?"
"What if I run 6 repeats but not at my target pace, bring it down?"
"UGH...What if ..."

My mind tuned out in a conference of weakness. The conversation was deafening. I could hear myself responding to each idea, "NO", Just do it."

I HAD TO TRY. I stepped on the TM, my favorite. I felt my skin tingle, I was actually scared. Afraid of the pain, afraid of failure, afraid.

The fear heightened and turned to adrenaline. I was ready. I took a deep breath, shook my hands out, turned my IPOD on as loud as it could go so I could tune all the demons out.

1 mile W/U. 6 miles on the TM using the Track setting. 800m repeats with a 400m shuffle jog in between. 

The first 30 seconds I feel strong, light on my feet and almost giddy.
As I close in on the end of my first lap, 400M I start questioning my pace, My legs begin to feel tired, my mind gets confused and I start praying to hold on for another 400m.
After 2 minutes, I start counting down my time, "HANG on Nita, hang on another minute and a half."
I see the end of the last curve, maybe a tenth of a mile to go, my stomach muscles are so tight, I take that last deep breath, check my posture, relax my mind and focus on running with my core.
Ahhh..5 more times!

Even though I was running my 800's at 3:37, an average pace of 7:13, the TM is a cheater way, I am going to need to run that outside without a machine turning my legs over, with wind in my face and making those angry curves on the track.
Today was more mental for me. Honestly, I picked my last repeat up and even added another 3 strides after I finished. for a total of 7 miles.
My mind almost convinced me to call it in.
I had some GREAT EXCUSES. No one would have judged me.
HOWEVER, at the end of the day...they were MY EXCUSES, its my training, If I never tried, it was ultimately MY FAILURE.

I am sharing this because the voices in my head get loud...As I am sure yours do too.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

Isaiah 41:10

Do something amazing. Do it scared. TRY...just TRY.
Quit making excuses.
GOD KNOWS I am soo scared to FAIL again trying to qualify for Boston. It is going to hurt so bad.
My stomach literally turns every time I think about  running another marathon this April. Its not running 26.2 miles that scares me, I run that distance for training runs for my ultras, its running it fast and having the clock TICK that makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Deep breath.
Shake out your fears.
Do it afraid.
My left toe is all bloody...Oh the joys. I finished my last mile on the track, easy recovery mile followed with stretching and rolling my IT band.