"He giveth power to the faint: and to them that have no might he increaseth strength." Isaiah 40:29
God gave me this scripture today. I wake up so weak and lifeless.
I am still in shock. I look at Ariel and I think I am just looking at photographs of her and that she is still here.
I have moments of life. These are times I feel alive but many many more where I feel flat. Catatonic.
I ask myself "What is strength?"
"Anita, you are so strong." I hear others say.
"What does that mean? " I hear myself mumble.
Strength can be a blessing and a cursing.
Strength can be mirage of what you want others to see but you are falling apart inside.
Strength can run so deep you become brittle and breakable almost unfix-able.
Strength can lead you and Strength can confuse you.
I have always been told I am strong. I had to be strong. I had to toughen up in order to survive. There was no one on the sidelines going to save me. And there was no one sending me a life line. I learned at a young age it was up to me.
25 years later this world will still kick your teeth in and it does. But now I can see where God was taking care of me through the chaos of a alcoholic home as a kid. It wasn't all on me like I thought.
So you are always told to "Trust God". But then like "Jill" says today how do you put all your trust in God when He takes part of your life away for no reason. If someone else did that would you trust them??
This is where strength has to come in.
I am strong enough to get through this.
But I am weak enough to fall down on my knees and cry.
I am strong enough to see God shine through the darkest moments of my life.
But I am weak enough to admit I need direction out of my pit of despair.
I am strong enough to hold someones hand in my hurt.
But I am to weak to ask someone to hold my hand in my hurt.
I am strong enough to to follow my own rules
But I am to weak allow myself to break them when need be.
I am strong enough to appear strong and capable.
But I am to weak to feel insecure about sharing my character defects.
I used to talk to Ariel all the time about being "Too Strong". I would say "Ariel, life will make you bitter or life will make you better."
Life is going to deal you a crappy hand at some point of your life. But the only way to get through it is to GET THROUGH it. Is to feel it. To engage in it. To handle it and respond to it. But if we hide it, if we swallow it down or throw it under the rug it was destroy you. It will own you. It will steal your joy and disillusion your perception of LIFE.
Today I am strong enough to feel the pain. I hate it. I have had my fill of it and it seems so unfair. I am strong enough to remind myself that God is Not finished with me yet. That in my affliction God can use me and this. I pray God uses my tears and heartbreak to encourage someone else in their pain.
Very sore. I walked 2 miles at the gym and went home. I spent the afternoon with Kim. She asked me to come over. We had a nice visit.
I have some concerns but then I have a lot of "trust" issues. That is me. I do not Trust Anyone. I just don't.
Are you considered "Strong"? How have you learned to cope with the loss of someone very dear to you??