"I Can do All Things through Christ who Strengthens Me." Phil 4:13
|Sitting on a log looking at the leaves and thinking of Ariel, I never want to forget this run as bad as it hurt.|
I knew I was running today. I knew I needed to run. I wanted to run. I had to run. But I was afraid to come back. I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted to run from my heartache. I wanted to run from the pain of losing the most beautiful girl in the world. Just run..
Nothing mattered. It didn't matter it was wet, it didn't matter it was windy. I never noticed the hills, I never felt anything but the the deep raw pain in my heart.
|As the leaves Change, So does my life...I am so blessed to have had you Ariel as long as I did.|
As I ran forward I felt my body weak and wobbly. My legs felt foreign and my breathing was erratic.
As the Autumn breeze touched my skin I wanted to collapse. I reached my hands out to touch it, to feel it. I wanted it to be Ariel. I thought maybe it was her. The air was cool and damp but it covered me like her arms. It held unto me- holding me up.
I couldn't breath. I had only ran 1 mile and I couldn't catch my breath. My body shook and my voice quivered out loud. " Oh, Ariel, touch me." And again with out thought I reached my fingers out to touch her hair like I have so so many times and there was nothing there.
My body was so weak and yet I wanted to run forever. My legs on their own, my shoulders lay hunched over, my head looking down and my cheeks just wet with tears I just continued to move forward on the pavement.
I hardly recognize my own voice the last couple days. It comes out quiet, faint almost. I could hear the sounds of my voice as my lips quivered. My lips murmured down the road. Mile after mile I let my tears fall against the pavement on E Holly Rd. The same route I cried out to my grandma when she died this same time just a few years ago.
Over twelve miles she carried me. My Angel now. Her smile so large, Her big brown eyes looking at me. "OH God, She was so much to me. How do I do this?"
It hurts to breath, It hurts to talk, It hurts to think. It hurts so so so bad.
|The last photo I took of her. She went RED!!|
Ariel Rose. Isnt that a pretty name.
Her favorite color was purple.
She wanted to be a teacher. She loved kids. She is enmeshed in my children's scrapbooks, always holding them, feeding them or playing with them.
She was soo stubburn. It was endearing.
She had so many scars, so many hurts and that made her tough. So tough.
She was a middle child. I think that is why I could "get her". Those middle children can really keep counselors busy!
She was always the first to greet me and always made me feel comfortable when I battled with my demons around crowds. We gravitated together, it was a unspoken. As soon as I saw her eyes welcome me I was always comforted.
Ariel just wanted to be loved. She didn't trust people. And I understood that.
Ariel wanted to be accepted...in every way. She didn't want you to just love a part of her. she wanted you to love ALL of her. The Good and The Bad. And if you did, If you could accept her, If you believed in her, If you Loved her she Loved you back.
A MTA bus hit her Friday morning. And that quick she was gone. Gone from this world. Gone from my touch, gone from my dreams, gone from me.
But NEVER gone from my Heart.
My Heart is Broken and only God can repair it. I know it will crumble into place over time. But the process is so painful. My eyes are itchy and swollen, they burn from hours of tears but I just want to feel THIS Pain. I want to feel it for her as if I am doing something for her.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13
This was Ariels life verse. She wrote it on everything. It gave her strength, it gave her courage, it gave her confidence and it gave her comfort.
Today we went to church to honor her. I really didn't want to go. But I am so glad that I did. Andy had openly invited people to come to the service in her honor.
Over 20 friends from her sorority and school came out. Kids from our small group came out that we did over 5 years ago. And kids she graduated with at Clarkston High came out to feel a little peice of her.
It was Beautiful. This is exactly what she would have wanted. She was still making an impact even after she left this earth. I wanted to wink up at her and again tell her how proud I was of her.
|The last color I did on Ariels hair was RED. I'm Going RED..Who is Going Red With me?!|
In closing I want to say Thank You.
Thank You for all the calls, all the text messages, all the Facebook messages, all the hugs, tears and prayers. I am OVERWHELMED with the amount of love and support we have received.
The Seiters, Thank you for the beautiful flowers. So thoughtful. Thank you.
The Durhams: Thank you for the massive dinner you brought over for the Mom and dad and the family.
The Hendersons, thank you for stopping over on Friday with donuts and hugs for all the family that was over.
Special thanks to Megan who came out with dinner tonight, It was amazing. I have forgotten my responsibilities. I haven't been in the grocery store the last few days. It was nice to have your company and that amazing smile.
My dear Friend Lisa. I am so blessed. She stopped by today also and her company was very healing as well as her tears of love and support. She has heard all my Ariel stories and knows that girl was so special to me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
Tell me it gets better. Tell me how tomorrow will be. Tell me something to make it not hurt so bad.