"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Painful Ugly

I am so hurt. Angry. I hate who I am right now. I fight all of hell to prevent myself from turning into this person. I try so hard.
It is that pain..When the pain is so rancid seeping in your bones it begins to slowly destroy you. Only today it broke me almost instantly. It came hard. The pain came with a blow. I was helpless. I was useless. I was abandoned.
I pulled up to Ariel's house and began shuffling towards the front door. I felt instantly cautious. Insecure. I felt scared to walk in. I could feel ugly creeping up in me.
Ariel's roommates answered the door. As I walked in I felt ugly creeping farther through my body. I tried to swallow it down. I walked towards Ariel's bedroom and there they were gathered. Her room in cardboard boxes, The smell of packing tape sifted through the air. The walls were bare with nails hanging out of them. I stood in the doorway speechless. Crushed to dust. I couldn't breath.
I turned around slamming the door in disgust and rage.
I just turned UGLY. I just turned into the person I hide, I bury and  the person I hate. I just turned into rage anger and bitterness.
I walked out and felt weak and sick. My stomach was in knots and my flesh burning  in fiery. I saw red. I wanted to throw something, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to break something hit something I just had no where to go.
Ariel was like my daughter and no one thought of me. No one thought I might want to be with her in her room for just a few minutes. THEY NEVER THOUGHT OF ME!!!!! My baby girl. My sweet sweet Angel. No one ever even thought of me.
But they sure thought of me when I realized they need my truck. That is what I was a vehicle to use.
Oh the Pain made my skin burn. 
"Dear God walk me off the ledge." I thought.
And words erupted from my mouth I never use. Emotions spewed like venom poisoning me and everyone around me.
So deeply hurt.
No one ever asked me if I would like to just sit there in her room.
No, but they sure got mad when I was there with Charlie a few days ago.
I am thankful for Charlie. Because he saw this before I did. He thought of me and asked me to go with him then. I didn't spend much time in her room, it was an agenda. Charlie was told to go there and get all her financial documents. He asked me to go with him and I knew not to be there long and don't touch anything because I was gonna be big trouble if I did.
They are so afraid someone is going to take something.
They are soo afraid someone is going to remove something that they couldn't see beyond themselves to see that other people were hurting to.
Poor Charlie wasn't even invited.
It is all packed up, in boxes. I am sick.
Ariel was like my daughter. I knew the personal of personal things. I felt her tears, I heard her cries, I ran her baths, I nursed her cold, I would stop my world at any time for her. And I did.
And I got "I didn't think about you."

Her Sorority sisters went to give a picture of Ariel and I couldn't even take it because they might think I "Took it".
What does a 21 year old have I would take??? Seriously? It is stuff and they are protecting it and hiding it like it is theirs: hurting people in the process. I don't get it.
I wanted a touch, I wanted a smell, I wanted to an opportunity. I WANTED A THOUGHT. I wanted to be more that a vehicle.
If Ariel could have seen what I saw she would have rolled over in her grave. This I know.
What am I going to do with out her? She saw this life the way I did.
This is probably why she had trust issues too. We were so much a like. One of the last things I said to her after sharing some incredible Ariel wisdom with me was this:

I never quit thinking about someone else. It is to a default I think of others. Even in my deepest hurt I am afraid for others and their pain.

I am Ugly right now. I already had ugly creeping up. Glenn Jr..Her dad..Decided he was going to get a couple lawyers and get a lawsuit going against MTA! He hasn't been a father to her in 15 years and didn't make any investment in her life others than tears, abuse, and heartache and now he is going to collect on her DEATH?!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?????

I am in a bad place. Someone talk me off the ledge. I hate who I just turned into.
I am not this person. It hurts.
This is why I have such terrible trust issues. I don't trust people.
 But God I trust you. Help me. Please God help me. Pull my out of this pit of ugly. Clean me and create in me a clean spirit. Remove this guttural angst. I wonder if I will ever find my way out of here? Out of the ugly.
Please help me.



  1. I'm so sorry Nita. People can be very hurtful. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

    1. Jessica,
      I am trying to respond to the beautiful letters and comments I have gotten over the past week and a half.
      No family is perfect this I know. And sometimes it is really difficult to have to deal with bad behavior, especially bad behavior in the midst of grief.
      I am trying desperately to give grace, understanding and trying to "Die to Self". It is so hard.
      I just do not understand people, their actions or the way they justify things.
      God really has to break me.
      Thank you for blessing my family. Thank you for that incredible dinner. It was AMAZING! You are a great cook. It is time to come back to life. I am thankful for the love and support you gave my family in our grief. I pray I can return the love under different circumstances.
      In Love,