Cancer Sucks..a couple things

 “Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.” —Alex Karras

When I was first diagnosed with TNBC last April it was like having an out of body experience for weeks. As soon as you are diagnosed you calendar fill up with multiple dr appointments, tests, scans, blood draws and the list goes on. You hardly have a chance to think. Then when you have a few minutes to collect all the information you feel like your in a very bad nightmare. Only there is no waking up from it. 

I remember telling a friend of mine "I don't want this to define me. I don't want this to be my story." 

And the response was "Then don't." 

At that time her response seemed logical. However, when the weeks turned to months and the effects of cancer  and chemo penetrate your every moment of every day it begins to drastically change your story. 

The rest of the world goes on. but you are getting chemo and blood work every week sometimes twice a week. Your blood is being watched like a hawk. Your body is declining and there is absolutely nothing you can do.  You are like fine china. 

I have learned a few things along the way. There were mistakes I made, things I learned too late, and areas I would have handled differently. 

Breast cancer is not all the same. And it is handled quite differently. 

• ER positive: (Estrogen receptor positive)
• PR positive: (Progesterone receptor positive)

Breast cancer cells grow by responding to certain hormones. 

• HER2: another form or breast cancer is where the cells have to much protein. 
• TNBC: Estrogen receptor negative, progesterone receptor negative 
• MTNBC: the same as TNBC only it is hard to treat b/c there are no known proteins for cancer drugs to target. 
• There are other types of breast cancer but these are a few. 

COMMON SYMPTOMS OF BREAST CANCER:

• A new lump or mass
• swelling
• skin irritation or dimpling
• breast or nipple pain
• nipple retraction
• redness/ thickening of the nipple/breast skin

I want to share a few facts from the Susan B. Komen site. 

• About 4 percent of breast cancers occur in women younger than 40. 

• Breast cancer survival depends on a person’s diagnosis and treatment.

• 276,480 new cases of invasive breast cancer (This includes new cases of primary breast cancer, but not recurrences of original breast cancers.) 2020

• 42,170 breast cancer deaths 2020

• Five-year survival rates tend to be lower for triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC) than for other forms of breast cancer. I HATE THIS STAT. 

• TNBC is also more likely than some other types of breast cancer to return after it’s been treated, especially in the first few years after treatment. This is why I had a mastectomy

No more stats. Every time I read these I get upset. 

I am sharing this all with you because I feel I need to due to it being BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. 

I have lived breast cancer, I have survived breast cancer and I have learned a few things. I am going to share 10 of the most important things I learned. 

1. DO not do it alone. Isolation leads to depression and having cancer is depressing. Do not be ashamed, reach out for support. 
2. Two ears are better than one. Always have someone with you to help "HEAR" things better at your Dr appointment. . many times Andy and I "Heard" different things. 
3. STAY ACTIVE. You have to stay strong. Chemo breaks your body down, the stronger you are the better you recover. You don't have to go to the gym, walking alone speaks volumes to your body. Doing a little is more than doing nothing. Get a partner to hold you accountable, I had several. 
4. WATER WATER WATER. You have to flush that poison out of your system. You can not let your body get dehydrated. This was a major failure of mine. 
5. PROTEIN, very important for cellular recovery. I wish I did better at this. It is so hard to intentionally eat extra protein when you are always nauseas. 
6. Keep your faith. It is so easy to cry "WHY?".  You wonder WHY God did this to you. HE didn't. We live in a broken world. God doesn't give cancer. Keep your faith, your hope, this really helps you recover better. being sad, depressed or angry is NOT good for your healing. 
7. Accept help. People want to help you. LET THEM. Cancer takes a lot from you, your routine is going to change, you can't do what you used to. It is OK to take care of yourself. 
8. PUT your make-up on every day. When I didn't wear make up I found myself fighting emotions. It is so hard to look at yourself when you don't recognize yourself. A little lipstick goes a long way. 
9. Do not let cancer allow you to behave badly.  I didn't want cancer to be an excuse to behave badly. I wanted to keep trying to be the best version of me I could. 
10. Be confident. Own it. Stay strong minded. Put that smile on and live the best you can.

My last chemo was September 2019  but that didn't mean my treatment or the journey was over. I would still have to have 25 rounds of radiation and more breast reconstructions. Hopefully, this November 4th will be my final one. 

My body is resetting, getting stronger and recovering. It is a process to go through, it is going to be a process to recover from. Recovery has to be intentional too. Exercise, eat healthy (you are what you eat).  I continue to drink protein shakes to recover the cellular damage. I have noticed a significant difference doing this.

 Find gratitude EVERY DAY. 

Beaumont hospital called me today to prep me for surgery next week. She made a joke about all my surgeries this last year and how 2020 can be over. I responded "NAW, I survived cancer is 2019, 2020 is my victory year, I am very grateful..." She stumbled on her words but with sincere kindness she responded "WOW, what a great outlook, that's why you did so well, a good perception, thank you." 

“You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live.” —Unknown

RUNDOWN: 

 “Don’t let breast cancer take away the motivation to achieve your dreams.” —Diana Cohen

I am trying to discover who I am these days. I am not ashamed to have a small portion of my life speak volumes in my story. Cancer SUCKS. But it is a large portion of you. 

I was looking forward to todays run. 

MY GOAL: 20 miles @ Rose Oaks. 

I ran solo. Rachel rode the loop on her bike chatting for a few minutes here and there when she looped me but I embraced my time ultimately with myself. Listening to my voices today was more pleasant than listening to them months ago. I can hear my thoughts, more peaceful. More thoughtful. More prayerful and more grateful. 

Not perfect, not even close. But today, I actually enjoyed my own company. 

After running 2 loops, I had to go out for one more. Rachel  had already road 30 miles and was heading home. She yells out the door "Do the HARD things, run the hills, keep going, don't stop....and all that other crap, ha ha." 

And so I did. Every stinking hill and even a mile more because somehow that cut through was too much! I wanted to walk when my watch hit 20 but dog gone Rachel..."Do the hard things"! 

                                                                         Praise God. 

Dream on. The 3 B's.

Last years MCM. 

 I make the joke all the time, "..it's crazy how little my boobies are and how much attention they are getting." 

All jokes aside, this October a year ago a lot went down, I ran Marine Corp marathon. One of my most memorable races. A race that was a dream come true in so many ways. The opportunity to run this marathon with cancer just a blink behind me, The dream to run this with my brother, sister in love and Andy as well as mom and dad traveling to Virginia to cheer us on. Not to mention just the fact that I got into the race was a awesome adventure. 

It all started with a dream. With a little faith and a lot of hope. 

My doctors wanted me to have my mastectomy that week, they ALL granted me this dream even writing it in my files. 

Against the OdDs. 

One week later I would have my breasts removed. Everything all the way to the pectoral muscle. Expanders, tubes, drains and more doctor appointments than one would think possible. 

Today with all intensity I share with Andy "LOOK! LOOK! Andy I couldn't do this just a few weeks ago." I share this excitement as I balance my body on one leg and squat down. "ANDY, Andy, I couldn't even bend down without having to grab something to get back up everything hurt so bad!" I continued as I squatted multiple times in front of him. I WAS SO HAPPY! 

No pain, my body for the first time doesn't feel like it is 80 years old. 

 I see my oncologist in 2 weeks. I have a slew of questions for him. 

1. Why are my eyes so bad? Should I make an appointment? Will my eyesight continue to decline? 
2. How long does it take for my speech to get better? I can't form sentences very well. 
3. Are there any supplements I can take to help my body as I continue to recover?
4. Why am I bruising so bad? 
5. What are these large bruises from? They are the size of grapefruits. 
6. What is the percentage I may have my cancer return?
7. What about Pancreatic cancer? That is part of my BRCHA mutation? 
8. How can I get extra screening for Pancreatic cancer? 
9. What about my boys, how can we get them genetic tested? 

I don't want to die. Pancreatic cancer really sucks. It sits on my shoulders like a monkey on my back. I want to live so much more life. I love living. Pancreatic cancer is so hard to detect. I try not to go there but I see these bruises on my body and I get so tired, I go there. I just want a breather. I don't want to live constantly in fear of death. 

So I continue to DREAM. I continue to live, to plan, to love life. To live life like it is going to be my last day. SO should you. 

It is Gods Timing. You have to be BRAVE. You have to be Bold. You have to Beleive. 

BRAVE: “Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” Billy Graham

You must be brave enough to see yourself taking ownership of your fear. Not letting your fear direct you. 

BOLD: "Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold." 2 Cor 3:12 

I think I may have a bit of a Napoleon complex. For a little person I am quite bold. But I hold so dearly to Hope. I cling to hope, always dreaming and forever believing..

BELIEVE: "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

 Hebrews 11:1

RUNDOWN: 

Sunday I took off down E. Holly road. As I ran I tried to come up with a plan that didn't involve pain. I was thinking a solid 10 miler at a 9 minute pace. I thought it would be fun to try to get as close to a 9min/m as I could. 

I messed that up the first mile, significantly to fast. I tried 3 more miles, still too fast. I stopped to take my coat off but forgot to stop my watch. "CRAP!" I barked at myself. Now I was going to be signifigantly OVER a 9min/m. Unless, unless I picked it up. I said a little prayer and took off down E. Holly road towards Elliot rd. I could hear my breathing as I tried so hard to keep my pace. I glanced at my watch and saw that I was running a 7:30min/mi. I knew I had to maintain that to balance out that mile. 

My watch beeped, 8:31! I did it! I did it! Compelled to see if I could have a negative split I continued to run Godspeed. 

YOU can't give up. I am telling you. I prayed and grunted "FIGHT". I knew I had to fight. I fought my demons, I fought myself, my brokenness, my surgeries, my yesterdays. 

My yesterdays are NOT my todays. Sometimes your biggest enemy is the words you talk to yourself with. 

Pain feels so good when you accomplish things you once DREAMED. 

A little DREAM, a big DREAM, its yours. Be brave with boldness and believe. 

Anita~ 

Some of my fall rocks. 

Bear Lake Ultra: BIB #150!

Photo credit Kris T

 "Andy, my belly is jittery, I think I am nervous...." The drive from Holly to Lapeer had my tummy doing somersaults, my prerace jitters weren't from the 34 degree temps out! 

Covid cancelled many races this year. But Bear Lake Ultra squeaked in with less than half the participants and I was one of the lucky ones. 

I haven't pinned a bib on in a LONNNG time. 

My Goal: To run a Marathon. 26.2 miles and try to do it in under 6 hours. Not a fast time, but a respectable time for a trail marathon. 

My Concerns: Last October, I ran my last big race, Marine Corp Marathon, I ran that marathon bald, just finishing a summer of chemo.  I did this just a week before having my mastectomy, a very aggressive breast cancer took a lot from me last year. This was as I had put it then "My Last Hoorah". And it really has been.  I would have 4 more surgeries, from my boobies being reconstructed to my ovaries removed to having my meniscus done. My body went to hell in a hand basket from that day forward. I have only ran 1-20 miler since then. I haven't been able to run consistently oddly enough since I was going through chemo! I didn't run for a month over the summer.  I believed I could do a marathon distance, I just wasn't sure how ugly it would be. 

My Inspiration: My friend Sarah Moore was running a very difficult race the same day, I was encouraged by her grit. 

I had asked for prayers from people. I believe God grants us the desires of our heart. He can use all things, including this broken mess. 

Our packet pick up, so personal, Robs mom made the masks

Bear Lake Ultra
Rob, the race director had less than 90 runners participating in his 3 mile loop. This was the 3rd year. You run as long as you can. There is only one aid station, where the start/finish is. You can have crew and tents at the start/finish line to support you. You must yell your bib number every loop when you come in and before you go back out again. 

"All runners will be challenged & rewarded as they loop their way along rolling hills on single track trails, wide groomed trails, roots, rocks and a few bridge crossings." 

The Gang: Complete Runner was one of the sponsors. We had 6 of us representing, Andy, Antonio, Zane, Mary, Ryan and I. 

 

READY, SET, GO! 

"If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life run a marathon. If you want to talk to God run an ultra." 

Photo credit Kris T

We ran out of bread at home so Andy toasted some hamburger buns with butter and honey. I was still laughing at our breakfast that seemed so long ago as we began running down the road to the trail. 

I wasn't too worried about getting hungry, I would be eating every time I came into the aid station. I have learned to eat a little whenever I can and drink, drink drink. 

I was hoping I could run with Andy, 23 years of marriage might mean you are life partners but not necessarily running partners! 

Barely a mile into our run, I heard a familiar voice...."It's so pretty!" It was RACHEL! Rachel and Kris came out with great cheer and cow bells. I was so stoked! 

BIB #150!

As we are closing in on our first loop, we are climbing up the road, the aid station is literally centered at the top of the hill. "Andy, we have to run into the aid station every time." I advise. 

I make that turn into the aid station full of energy, dancing and I  yell "BIB NUMBER 150!" 

All caught up in the excitement, I am embarrassed to say I forgot to pray, something I always do before I run. After a couple loops, I see Rachel and Kris at the aid station and I ask them to pray over me. 

I knew there was no way I could do this race without God's hands on me. 

The Box of Dreams

My body felt incredible. I had more energy than Carter had pills. As we were coming up the hill to the start/finish Andy (for the third or fourth time) and I would pick a spot we would try to run to. It was a box, for trash. "Run to the box" Andy said. This runner was near us and responds, "That's your box of dreams, where you put all your hopes and dreams." I laughed, that little box would be my box to run to every time, it represented so much for me. It would leave me breathless, but never hopeless. 

12.5 

I was almost half way there and I felt amazing. My knee was strong and my PF was full of hope. 

I was fully confident that I would get my marathon in at this point. I didn't want to verbalize it afraid it might be arrogant, but I just knew.....

Antonio brought his Theragun to help our piriformis.  

26.2
"Andy take my picture, I did it, I ran my marathon!" 

I not only ran my marathon I ran it in under 6 hours. 

I felt as fresh as I did in the beginning. I never let on to Andy that I didn't want to quit. I wanted to keep running, maybe try for a 50k. 

Photo credit Kris T

50K
Running in loops allows your mind to get distracted. If your in a bad mental place it can make it worse, but if you stay in a land of butterflies and rainbows it keeps you hype. I was so hype. I would shout every time I came into the aid station, "ONE, FIVE, OOOOOH!" Then the aid station would cheer me in. I hit the 50K mark in what seemed like a breath.  Andy asked if I was going to keep going. I tried not to cry, I felt myself getting choked up, "Andy, I don't understand it, why do I feel so good? This is crazy, I know what pain feels like, and I don't have any..." 

And so I ran....

I had fun painting rocks earlier that week with our names on them and hiding them in the woods. Other runners were having fun not only trying to find them but they too were picking them up and hiding them! It took Ryan a 50k to find his rock and Antonio was so confused when his rock was gone, rehidden and poor Miko found his only once and never again. It became a game to play while we were all torturing ourselves. 

My 31 miles added up but not as quick as the sun was setting. 

"Find the level of intolerance you can tolerate and stay there."

And darkness appeared. Beyond 31

I didn't think I would be able to go back out to run even though my legs were still attached and my breath was still easy. They were requiring headlamps to go back out. I was bummed. I wasn't running my race, I had been ultimately running Andy's race and we run so differently. "If only we hadn't spent so much time in the aid stations." I whispered to myself. I really wanted to go back out but darkness was coming fast and I couldn't out run it. I only had 3 more loops to go and I would have over 50 miles. 

Still running through the aid station, "ONE -FIVE - OOHH" I shout still chipper as I followed Andy back to our tent where Ryan K and Joselyn were cheering us all on. I mentioned that I couldn't go back out without a head lamp and how I hadn't thought I would have ran this far so I wasn't prepared. Ryan responded, I brought my headlamp...." And just like that I was back out there with Andy. 

I  had ate all day, pizza, potatoes, cheese quesadillas, grapes, oranges, water, and the list goes on. And I drank, water, ginger ale, Ucan, I took Motrin and had a couple chews but none of that could explain how my body was still moving so well. 

It was so dark, I knew to pick my feet up and stay light. I never fell or tripped once. 

With one loop to go, 50 miles literally fell in the beginning loop, Andy took off without me. He was going to try to get that mile in under 12 hours. I took off after him in the dark, hauling butt down the hill to find him. 

I caught up to Andy and took the lead to try and pace him in that last mile. We picked up mile 49 but not fast enough. 40 seconds shy, we scaled way back walking more than we had been. 

BIB #150!! 

As I screamed my bib number with all smiles, I finished it up with "And I am DONE!"  They had all knew I had only hoped for a marathon, so with each loop I came in singing my bib number, the Bear Lake crew cheered me on in surprise. I had many encourage me and tell me how much fun I was. The volunteers were exceptional and thankfully never got sick of me. Most people are ready to kick me to the curb after a couple hours, they had been with me for over 12 hours! 

53 Miles: When I try to wrap my head around it I just can't. These days we do not see God parting seas or people walking on water but let me tell you...I have 53 miles of miracles. I have coached, been coached and know a few things about running. Running 53 miles after only training 1- 20 miler in almost a year...is just plain craziness. I could possible understand it if I crawled that 53 miles in but I didn't, I danced it in, laughed it in with pure JOY. Other than a few blister and a tight hamstring I had no ailments. There is only one explanation...The power of prayer. 

"Call unto me, and seek me, and I will show you great and mighty things which thou knowest not." Jeremiah 33:3

As broken and depressed, as discouraged and doubtful as I have been the last year and a half  I never quit believing God wouldn't restore me. 

I just had to not give up, not get hopeless, keep my faith...

Somewhere around mile 27 Andy was getting discouraged. I responded "..every loop can be all together different than the previous one, good, bad or indifferent but you can't give up on a bad loop when a good one might be just around the corner."

Such is life and the seasons of life. This has been a tough season for many, just a reminder to hold onto HOPE, keep your faith and get back out there. 

Special thanks to: Mom and Dad, they came out not once but twice to cheer us on in that cold weather. Rachel and Kris, so grateful they prayed with both Andy and I. I am grateful for the boldness of friends to pray and honor God. Kris brought her camera and took some great photos. 

Congrats to my CRU members that all ran epic miles pushing their bodies, Antonio crushed over 50 miles, Andy rocked his FIRST 50 miler, Ryan just a few weeks after his 100 miler beat his 100k time, and Miko for running a sub 24 hour 100 miler on a tough course. 

And a big Thank you to Rob, For pushing forward to have a race when everything was shutting down he never quit. He and his volunteers did a fabulous job. 

"Despite what seems like the extraordinary nature of these events, in the end, they make you more human." 

Sweet Miah cheering from home! 

ANITA~

The Unexepected

 

I have gotten really good at handling the unexpected curve balls life has thrown at me. Not that I have enjoyed them or even been that great at handling them all but I try to grit through them with as much chaotic grace as I can.  

For years I have always ran all year long. Always physically prepared to run a race that sounded fun or challenging, preferably fun! So when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last spring I had been training for a 100k, that I would never show up for. I continued to run and listen to my body as I accumulated more miles than my doctors or myself thought possible. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW. 

My miles came to a screeching halt when I had my mastectomy's last October. 

I have since struggled to get my miles back up consistently. In February, I tore my meniscus undergoing weeks of physical therapy only to get plagued by PF adding more PT and tangled with 2 more breast surgeries and meniscus surgery,  depression, grief and a gamut of ugliness circled me. 

I heard a lot of voices in those months but I never heard "Give up". I would start back all over again adding miles one at a time. Covid shut down all races but I continued to try to recover and rebuild my broken body. I rediscovered myself, becoming my best training partner. I learned how to run alone again. How to listen my my body, how to push myself and train myself from scratch. 

4 weeks out from Meniscus surgery I was running again just like Dr. Lewis promised. 

Slowly but surely my miles added up. I started biking more to cross train and let my body recover. I made high protein shakes after every run to help my body recover better and I remained grateful for all miles good bad and ugly. I bought a ball from Complete Runner to help my PF, I ordered a splint to sleep in (I call it my sexy boot) and  I bought inserts as well as new shoes. 

September: 149 miles. 

Last week 5th-11th I ran 51 miles and biked 39. 

As I added my miles up I was shaking like a lil kid with excitement. 

THE UNEXPECTED:

I got into a RACE. BEAR LAKE Ultra. At the last minute, a couple weeks ago I had FOMO. (Fear of missing out) A few of my friends from Complete runner were all running this race with hopes it would not get cancelled as all the others have. Andy put his name on the waiting list. All those that were on the waiting list got in, I was not on the waiting list....But I got it. 

It is a 3 mile loop. My goal is to run a marathon. 

Last week, I ran a 20 miler at Holly rec. This is the least amount of training I have ever done for a marathon. I am usually very prepared. I am so grateful to get to wear a bib and run. I am not tryin to RACE this event. I just want to get a marathon distance in without leaving limbs on the course. 

I am soooo stoked. I am all kinds of dreamy. 

I never expected to get to run a marathon this year, I humbled to have the miles I have had and excited to see what my body will let me do.

RUNDOWN:

I have only ran 20 miles this week: 

Monday: Holdridge West loop w/ Lake loop 5miles

Wednesday: Holdridge West Loop w/ Lake loop/ bike 10 miles

Rachel met me after we both ran for a bike ride. Double time!

Thursday: Highland Rec 10 miles

Danielle and I got lost at Highland rec, I have NO IDEA how this happened....But it was so fun to run with her, I look forward to many more miles with her now that I am getting back on my feet. 

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:16 

I am not giving up. I KNOW that God has great and might things for me. He has brought me through cancer, split the seas for me, protected me in the lions den, and fought for me in battles I couldn't. 

Tuesday at my addiction I saw Nathan Piasecki. He asked if he could pray with me. I was warm with emotion. MY heart was screaming, YES, YES, YES PLEASE!

He didn't just pray for my needs and my essentials, He prayed for my running. For the desires of my heart. I felt SOO loved. 

Thank You Nathan. Thank you for loving me the way He loves me. 

If you are in a rut and feel like every time you take 2 steps forward -you fall back 3, keep climbing. Danielle and I both took falls today. We took a deep breath whispered "I'm Fine", dusted ourselves off and got back out there. We didn't care what the pace looked like, we were both just so excited to be able to run together in whatever capacity was available. 

Take a breath, and get back out there, you never know what might come your way.....

"For the athlete, the biggest pressure comes from within. You know what you want to do and what you are capable of."  Paula Radcliffe World champion and world record holder. 

From Bad to Worse

 A cancer diagnosis is bad enough, You have this monster growing inside of you. Making you sick, making you tired, eating away at your canvas. 

The treatment is chemotherapy. 

Now your body is literally used as a battlefield. The chemo is at war with your cancer and your body is caught in the crossfire. In the beginning it is BAD. But you are told it is only going to get WORSE. 

It has to go from BAD to WORSE. 

Sometimes we have no idea what the measurement of WORSE is. 

How much worse can it get? 

When does it get better? 

We are trying to do something for the greater good however the situation only appears to be digressing. 

• We get overwhelmed
• We begin to feel hopeless
• We feel discouraged

We can not see the light at the end of the tunnel, often worrying as things continue to get worse how much WORSE is it going to get, how much more can we handle. 

Life can feel like it is one thing after another. 

"Bad is walking on thin ice, worse is falling in!" 

Collision:

I had planned to try out my body on my favorite trail, Holdridge.  The plan was to run the east loop, with the cut out to give me 11 technical miles. I wanted to see not just how my body would respond to the trails but also my PF. 

I had my pack prepared with my favorite espresso Gu, water and squeezy applesauce. My phone was charged to motivate me with my favorite tunes, I was excited. 

The first 5 miles are a mess of twists, turns, inclines and roots. 

It goes from BAD to WORSE. 

I chucked at mile 3 while I coached myself to stay steady preparing myself for the increase in technicality of the trails.  I had this instant collision of my running with my devotion this morning. 

Habakkuk 3:17-18 "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, 18yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

As I ran I was reminded that like my cancer, like my run, often times things will go from BAD to WORSE.

But the good news is, like in Habakkuk no matter how bad it gets, I will rejoice in the Lord.

Don't give up. Finding gratitude and joy encourages you to not give up.

At mile 6 today, I was beginning to wonder if I could keep my pace up, I actually saw it slowly decline. I tried to pick it back up only to stumble and fall. I quickly got back up and reminded myself to fuel. I was so determined. I came out of the road unto Hess rd with 2 miles to go. I was so tired. I felt my body beginning to weaken. My left foot twisted, popping and I yelped. I looked at my watch, took a deep breath and kept running.

I finished, I fell, I twisted my ankle and I even ran more than I needed but I didn't give up.

Looking at my watch made it all worth it.

It had to go from Bad to Worse for me to see victory.

Just when I didn't think I could do another mile, I was so excited that Joan was going to meet me to run with Complete Runner that I sucked it up for another 5 miles. I love this girl.

I saw the a new Dr. today for my PF. She gave me so much encouragment and a nice little shot of cortisone in my foot!

"That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get any worse."

Calvin and Hobbes

Anita~

Masks

 "You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also." Matthew 23:31

Last Tuesday, I sat close to the front row to stay focused on what Roger would be speaking on. I

love my Tuesday nights. Tuesday night is our recovery night at church where I have volunteered for over 15 years. I facilitate the families class. 

Roger spoke on masks. I wanted to share some of his words and add my own words. I knew God wanted me to share this because my devotion the very next day illustrated the above scripture that seemed so perfect with the topic of masks. 

These days many of us have gotten used to wearing masks, like it or not we have had to. This is not a debate on wearing masks, sorry if you thought you were reading something juicy and conflicting on masks. It is however a topic that is very convicting. 

We have all wore masks well before it was mandated. 

Masks are not just created to keep us safe, masks were also created to hide or disguise. 

I think of some of the masks I have worn over the years. 

The mask of Perfectionism. Trying so hard to have it all together. 

The mask of Security. Trying to conceal my insecurity and fear. 

The mask of Hope. Trying to appear positive and confident. 

Over the years depending on different seasons in my life there have been other masks I have wore as well. 

We work so  hard to make ourselves look good but are we doing that with spiritual matters? My devotion shared this scripture addressing this issue with the religious leaders in Jerusalem. 

"You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also."

Our value isn't measured in what others see. It didn't matter what mask I wore. What mattered was my heart. 

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me!" Psalm 139

God sees through masks.  He sees our heart. I have had a lot of cleaning out of my heart to do. I have had moments that I was able to make my cup appear clean and shiny but the inside was filthy. Full of anger, bitterness, and hypocrisy. So many things I was ashamed of I would cover up, or "mask" if you may. 

But God sees all my mistakes, my failures, my flaws and yet He loves me unconditionally. 

I wanted to share these little thoughts I have been pondering on for the last week.  I am very grateful the only "mask" I have to wear is the one I am mandated to wear. 

10 things in the last 7 days! 

1. Last weeks miles were over 36, this is both hiking and running. 
   
   
   
2. I biked over 20 miles last week. 
3. I called a new Dr. for my PF. I have an appointment next week w/ Dr. Taylor in Fenton. 
4. We did our first camping trip with our pop up this past weekend in Grand Marais. 
   
   
   
5. Austin and his girlfriend, Shelby took us to a little camp ground they discovered, Woodland. 
   
   
6. Andy and I ran 8 miles on the North Country trail. 
   
   
   
7. The four of us took the ferry to Grand Island and hiked 8 miles to Pictured Rocks. 
8. We also hiked down to Miner falls. 
9. I GOT INTO Bear Lake Ultra October 17th. God Help me! 
10. I scheduled my next surgery for my boobies November 4th. I really hope this is it! 

A big shout out to DAVE, my friend who had the brain tumor removed, he made it through surgery well! Continue to keep him in prayer, he still has to have radiation and chemo. 

Another big shout out to KRIS! Today is her 51 birthday! We ran 13 birthday miles together, she is still doing great, 13 miles with over 400 feet of elevation at a 9:44 min/mi and that is with walk breaks! 

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person
Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. 
- Oscar Wilde

Anita