Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Good Night my Sweet Ariel
It is late yet again. I am tired tonight Ariel. I saw you tonight. No, I saw an imposter. It was clearly not you.
I went to the imposter and tried to not be upset. I am sure she wanted to look as amazing as you. I am sure she even tried very hard.
But Ariel there was only ONE of you and you left this world Friday.
And this imposter lay in the beautiful casket with white silk lining and decorative flowers but I knew in seconds it was not you. Her eyes weren't larger than life glowing with happiness. Your eyelashes were short, she just used one coat of mascara, so lame. Her eyeshadow was not glittery and translucent and they put BROWN eyeliner on! You would have gone with out eyeliner before wearing brown. But there was one thing I had to fix, her lips. Ohh my, they looked like something I would put on my grandma. I quickly emptied my purse like we did a million times to put your lip gloss on.
But her hair. SO beautiful. I touched it. I ran it through my fingers. I held it and never wanted to let it go. She had your hair. I was confused. The imposter confused me. How did she get your hair?
And then I heard a still small voice say "None of this is her, All you have left of her Anita is what is in your heart."
And with that being said I wanted to collapse. I wanted to disappear. I wanted that super hero trait where you just become invisible. Or maybe I could be sleeping beauty and just go to sleep and wake up and everything would be better.
I love you sweetness. I love you so much. I quit crying at the funeral home. I was numb. wordless. Just going through the motions. I couldn't get away to hear my own thoughts. I had so much noise in my head from the hundreds of people that came to see you. They were all grieving. I wanted to grieve. But it was so loud in my head. I couldn't think. My body was just reacting and responding to all the people. I didn't know what I said half the time - I just knew I wanted to be with you. I just wanted to crawl in bed and be alone with you. As I write you this it is quiet. I hear my thoughts, I hear your gentle whispers, I feel my tears release softy down my cheeks in Awe of you. Today I was reminded again at how you were nothing less than simply AMAZING.
Good night my sweet Ariel. I am so honored to be your Aunt. You blessed me in your life and you continue to bless me as you have left this world.
I am speaking for you tomorrow. I hope I have a couple hours! If you were talking you would need it too! We both sure could tell a story.