"You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them."
Holidays are tough on people. I checked my miles in Dailymile and was shocked to discover I was 1 mile short of 50 miles. That is a lot of miles for me at this time of the year.
I find running very therapeutic.
I am riddled with character defects. But one of my worst is that I am a people pleaser. I hate when people are upset with me. Being a ACOA (Adult child of an alcoholic) Co-dependency is a character defect that is very common.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everyone get along. Or maybe I could sprinkle some pixie dust and we could all LOVE one another.
AINT GONNA HAPPEN.
Pigs do not fly and there are no daisy and butterflies around in Michigan this time of year.
So I go running. And I run and run and run. I pray, I beg, I confess, I cry, I reflect, I think...ALL WAY TO MUCH.
Then I throw my hands in the air and say.."It is what it is."
"Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil." Proverbs 4:25-27
I looked forward to my run like sitting down with a good psychologist. I knew I needed more than a usual appointment. Like maybe 4 hours and 20 miles!
I wanted to run forever and a little longer. I wanted to go until my legs fell off and then glue them back on and keep going. I didn't care about speed or running a specific pace. I just wanted to go until I had no more roads to cover.
It felt so good. I was chilled as the air entered my chest. As I ran farther I began to warm up. I felt the damp air refreshing. The sky was eerie. Overcast and foggy. It was ugly out, however it had its own unique beauty. It welcomed and accepted me in my broken state. My mind was overflowing with diseased thinking so much so that each thought interrupted another.
Have you ever had that happen to you? Have you had the voices in your head battle one another for the podium to speak a different kind of CRAZY?!
I knew my legs worked if nothing else was making sense. So I just looked forward and continued to do what I knew how to do: RUN.
I met Jama after running 6 miles and we ran together another 7 miles. This was very encouraging. It is nice to run with good friends. Her words and encouragement allowed me to see that I didn't have to commit myself. Seeking God on my run would be more than effective if done right.
There are times that you are trying so hard to hear from the Lord only to feel forgotten. I felt like this today. As I ran I discovered it wasn't that God was not speaking to me it was that I was listening to the Crazy voices in my head more. I allowed them to drown out HIS words. I needed a voice BIGGER than my own.
When I listen to garbage it detours me. It knocks me off my PATH. It offers these escape routes that lead to chaos and confusion. Today it took everything in me to stay focused. I needed to keep my eyes forward and let all distractions fall to the way side. I had these conversations with myself. You know the ones..Where you create a scenario and then act it out as if it was happening?! I then take it to the next level of insanity and add dialogue. I soon felt my feet swerving then I heard my mind getting lost in the disfunction of situations that I have no control over.
I had to bring myself back to God. I had to examine my actions. I can not control what others do or do not do. I can only control where my feet lead me. I have to be confident in the way I live my life. And though I am not perfect I am working so hard at looking FORWARD and pondering MY PATH.
Everyone has their own journey to travel. As I ran I let go of the path I see others taking. It is their PATH...Not mine.
Today I just needed to keep my focus. As I approached the 20 mile marker I knew I had reached my pivotal point of therapy. I was chilled all over hardly able to feel my fingers. As I looked around the whole world continued to move regardless of what I was doing. No one noticed me. No one knew that I had just traveled 19 miles and really no one cared. The trees were looming over me. The darkened December sky encircled me almost swallowing me up. I was invisible. Miniscule in comparison to everything going on. "Its Not about You Anita....You just do the right thing even in the wrong situations ..You just keep moving forward...Do not look to the left or right.." I heard His words all SO CLEAR.