Sunday, December 8, 2013
A Little Piece of Me: Alcoholism.. A Murderer.
Alcoholism is NOT prejudice.
It turns beautiful into ugly. It robs children of mothers and fathers. He steals children from their parents. Alcohol turns peace into chaos. It destroys families and lives.
Alcohol took my mother and my father. They just flirted with the bottle until the bottle slowly moved in like a bad tenant.
My mother was Irish. Beautiful. Auburn hair and silky ivory skin. She was petite at 5'2 and 110 pounds. Her father was a proud Irish man who was tricked by the bottle and died before I was born. I have been told he was an incredible man; B.I. Murdock.
My mother was always looking for love. Being a child of an alcoholic herself she was always seeking. She looked for approval, she was like a child in so many ways. As a young girl she just wanted to be loved. She had 3 children from 3 different men. I am one of those children.
Growing up was hard knowing I was never enough for her. I could not bring her happiness. I could not make her put the bottle down.
Alcohol and drugs had a hold on my mother. She traded us in many times.
How can you Hate something so much and Love it all the same?
I remember coming home from school one day to my mother falling off the wagon (Relapsing for the hundredth time). We lived in a trailer at the time. As I walked into the house I could instantly tell something was not right. The house reeked of Pine Sol. Mom was locked in her bedroom at the back of the trailer. I walked towards the kitchen that was next to her room with my heart racing. I wanted everything I knew to be true ...a lie. I was scared to take each step closer to her bedroom. I needed to confirm my suspensions only I was scared of discovering the truth. The anger began to burn as I tried to open my mothers door only it was locked. She was in there hiding in her bottle. She came out swinging. Her words were toxic and full of venom. I responded just as volatile. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say to get her to see that I was good. That I should be ENOUGH to not drink. In absolute desperation I grabbed the bottle and began chugging. The warm beer tasted like vomit in my mouth. I had tears streaming down my eyes feeling so helpless and compromised. "If it is GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN IT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!" I screamed in defeat.
My mom sobbed as she reached for the bottle out of my mouth. She crumbled in front of me begging me to stop.
My mother was in bondage, She did not know how to get out from under it. But she knew it took away her pain all the while leaving more pain and destruction in her life. She did NOT want me to be in that bondage.
The one thing she knew was Alcoholism was PROGRESSIVE. It didn't rob you right away it just chipped away at you slowly. It slowly took your integrity, your passions, your bank accounts, your faith, your confidence, your friends, family and eventually Your Life.
I get many people question me about why I do not drink. WHAT GOOD comes out of it??
I have witnessed things that NO Child should ever see. I have lived things that No Child should ever have lived. There are things that I can not even talk about. There are memories that I have from growing up with alcoholism that I have NEVER spoke of to ANYONE they are so despicable.
21 years is a long time to live without a mother. Her life was robbed from her. I have not had a drink of alcohol in over 8 years. I have no desire. I get many who think I am self righteous...I dare them to walk in my shoes...They wouldn't last. I promise you. I barely did myself.
I will fight all of HELL for my boys. 1 drink for me is not worth the risk of losing a child to our family disease.
I had to make the final decision to have my mothers life support turned off on this day 21 years ago.
Over 6 weeks she lay lifeless in that bed. I would sit next to her begging her to open her eyes. I would convince myself she squeezed my hand but she had not. She was less than 100 lbs curled up in that bed. Her skin was yellow and cold to touch. She was breathing only she was absent from the world.
Alcoholism stole a mother from her children. It steals, robs and manipulates.
Distance: 8 miles
I felt great, I thought of how I have honored my mother. I think she would be really proud of me.