Here I will give you what Pastor Jim gave me: Romans 12:1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world,but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
- Presentation- Present your bodies a living sacrifice
- Nonconformation- "Do not be Conformed"
As I ran on the treadmill I let this question roommate in my mind. I found myself answering this question with other questions.....
- Was it the Will of God that my dad should die when I was 11 years old?
- Was it the Will of God that I should lose my mother at 18 years old?
- Was it the Will of God that I should live in and out of foster homes??
- Was it the Will of God that as a child I should have to see things that NO Child or even ADULT should EVER have to see, hear, or be part of?
- Was it the WILL of God that I should lose Ariel at only 21? My niece by blood but my daughter at heart?
GOD is GOD.
My mind was short circuiting trying to figure GOD out.
So I quit.
I want to honor my mother, my father, my beautiful grandmother and my amazing Ariel...But more importantly I want to Honor GOD.
I have been angry with GOD.
I have questioned him with a guttural heart ache.
I have begged God for Answers.
Pleaded with him even for death. When the pain is so overwhelming the will to even live seems gone.
BUT...when you walk with him...When you are close to him. When you talk to him, cry with him, plead to him, seek him, in pain, in triumph, in heartache and in victory...together in good times and in bad times...HE presents himself.
Running today I reminded myself God was present in every event. I am not mad at God. Even though I am broken...He FIXES ME. When I try to fix myself and take HIM out of the equation I find myself putting the pieces together all wrong.
When we get mad at God and "Kick him Out" we will find ourselves with sleepless nights, confused, bitter, resentful, angry and STILL broken.
I can not answer your questions on the WILL of God be cause I can not answer my own.
But I have peace.
Peace because I KNOW in my brokenness I am still trying to Honor God.
And I hear from him an so many ways.
- I heard from him on the morning Ariel passed. When I had her sister in my chair at the salon, a hair appointment I may get with "Brittany" once a year...I knew God had orchestrated everything. God put "Brittany" with me at that exact time.
- When I have hibernated from people for several weeks and I get phone calls and messages from "Ariels" friends and sorority sisters sharing with me "Ariels" words and heart. I feel God loving me through them. Giving me that piece of her I so yearn for. I feel God giving me affirmation and embracing me with her.
- Mo, Rebecca, Amanda, Alexis, Michelle, Katie, Charlie, Marjorie, Sarah...I am so thankful for the time we have spent together. I am so thankful for your invitations to share.
Then I challenge you to ask yourself this.."Have I been so mad at God that I MAY have not noticed HIS presence? Have I been so Mad at GOD that I have Missed HIS blessings?
I can guarantee the answer is YES!
Total miles this week: 35
Saturday: 2 miles : 7:13 pace
Sunday: 8 miles, average pace 8:00 Ran at the Genisys..took Austin.
BIG SHOUT OUT to Kristy! She became a 1%er! "Kristy" ran her first marathon today at Disney! She inspired me when I was pooping out at mile 5, I thought of her and how she got through and drew strength from her victory.