2 Corinthians 4:8-9
"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;"
I stepped unto the treadmill directly after biking 5 miles. My body felt good but my mind was racing faster than my legs could go.
As I looked at myself in the mirror I saw myself strong and ready to conquer what ever came my way. But underneath that physical appearance was a picture of a very different gal.
I reviewed my weekend. What a tough weekend. Actually it was the whole week.
It has been 2 decades now that I lost my mother. I was in a hospital at 18 years old having to make the hardest descision I had ever made. To take my mom off life support or not. She took her last breath December 8th, 20 years ago at St Joes Mercy Hospital.
I review our relationship and it was so awful. I was so awful. The circumstances I grew up in were so awful. I could NEVER had made it out of that with out GOD. He has guided me, carried me, protected me and comforted me.
I lived with guilt for many many years for the relationship I had with my mother. Growing up in a alcoholic home made it so hard to know how to act and react. You never knew what you were coming home to.
But By the Grace of God I have peace with it.
I am NOT the same person I was and I was DETERMINED to make sure I worked hard to not be that person.
I have learned the best way to get through guilt is to change. To Forgive. To Love. To Give Back. To do something different than what lead you into Poor Behavior and Bad Choices.
INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different result.
I know about a "Mother/Daughter" relationship.
In so many ways I KNOW about guilt.
I miss my mom more than anything.
My life growing up was terrible BUT that is NOT a Get out of JAIL free CARD to hurt myself or others.
I cried a lot this weekend.
On the treadmill I thought to myself "Anita, You gotta strengthen your mind and heart. You gotta broaden those shoulders and let things roll off your back."
I am not foreign to the physical sweat or pain. But emotionally it is time I start working that out too. It is time I am confident in who I am.
I need to remind myself my IDENTITY LIES in CHRIST. He knows My Heart. He Knows my Words. He Is my Judge. I take everything TO HIM. And HE convicts me.
He Knows my Past. He knows My Present.
God Knows my mistakes, and that I am Far Far from perfect and yet HE gives ME Grace and Mercy.
"Don't let others rent space in your head."
"Depart from Evil and do GOOD."
"Hurting People HURT people."
I recited these back to back.
"Turn the cheek, Anita."
"Forgive, 70 times 70."
And remember we all have Demons...But I Choose to give MINE over to GOD to FIGHT. Because when we try to fight them ourselves we hurt ourselves and others.
Finding Gratitude: This is the BEST Medicine. It is right up there with RUNNING!
I have tried to out RUN my demons. I can't.
I have tried to RUN Down my demons. I can't.
But God CAN!
Finishing that last 5 miles felt amazing. My weekend was below a 0. But I found so much Gratitude today.
Thank You to those who have sent me such beautiful messages this weekend. Many people lifted me up this weekend knowing I was being hurt in so many ways. Thank you.
Please come out and Join us for Ariels FUNDRAISER:
"Culvers" Owen Road Monday 10th 5-8pm!! I look forward to SERVING You!!!