Even though I look like a Smurf I have always thought of myself as a Super Hero.
I have never looked at myself as weak, inadequate, incapable or wimpy.
Now I have entertained them for dinner a few times but I have never let them stay too long.
I have always thought of myself as STRONG, COURAGEOUS,TENACIOUS and MIGHTY.
To look at me though..Yeah, I look like a TWERP!
I have used the adversity I grew up in,the challenges that have been placed before me and the multitude of mistakes I have made to grow and build from.
I have used Mantra all my life thinking:
"What doesn't kill you only makes you STRONGER."
"Never Never, Never Quit."
"Failure is NOT an Option"
"God is my Strength."
"God never gives you more than you can handle...Therefore God Knows YOU can get through this."
The last 2 days I feel so weak and defenseless. It has been 4 months since the loss of Ariel. I feel like I am falling apart the last 2 days. I know I will be fine. But I feel like I am just dying inside.
I have always gotten what I want. I have tried to be obedient to God, I seek him every part of the day and night, I pray, I try to be a good person, I try to give, forgive, love, and all the things he asks of me. I am far from perfect but God has usually supplied me with most of my dreams and more.
Jeremiah 33:3 "Call unto to me and seek me and I will show you great and mighty things with thou knowest not." I have adopted this verse and God really has done this for me."
I feel like a spoiled brat. I am kicking and screaming and nothing I can do will ever bring Ariel back. Nothing, nothing nothing,
I am not strong enough to fight for her.
I can not run fast enough to catch her.
I can not pray any harder, plead anymore or be any more obedient.
I feel like a failure.
Around and around the track I went. 6 miles, 7 miles my legs were on autopilot. I tried to run hard to feel the physical pain and not the heart ache. I wanted to wipe the sweat off my brow not the tears down my cheeks.
I could feel my stomach unfold.."No God, please. No more tears, not right now, please God."
I tried to teach Ariel STRENGTH. If you could see our messages back and forth. I always told her to "Stay Strong."
"Believe in YOURSELF and what God has placed in you."
"We are More than Conquerors."
She would come to me with problem after problem.
"Aunt Nita, how do I......? Aunt Nita, How did YOU...."
I would share my stories, from growing up in Dysfunction Junction to my marriage and all the chaos 16 years can birth and everything in between. She always wanted to know about the Obstacles, the Challenges, the Heartache and How I got Through.
What would she think of me now? I was drained. I felt so weak.
I miss our talks so much. I miss having her inquiring. She showed me how God carried me through everything.
I am not sure what unleashed my heart the last couple days....
My other niece "Sarah" called about how she colored her own hair, that could have been it. I was the only one that EVER touched Ariels hair. She trusted NO one!
I had to go to Hurley 2 days in a row..this brought back terrible terrible memories. I don't know how Andy does it working there.
I picked up my necklace from the jewelers for Ariels hair...that probably didnt help..all this in the same 2 days...
And like the cherry on top the song Blessing by Laura Story.
I have not recovered real well.
Dear Lord, Hear my cries, Comfort this brokenheart. When I am confused and searching remind me that you will give me peace in my storm. When my heart wanders off please Lord reign me in. Set me under your arms, Wipe my tears, Comfort me and Forgive me for my selfish thoughts.
And Thank You Lord..Thank you so much for every perfect moment I had with her.
When I am weak He is Strong.