|Ice Cream is one of my favorites.|
|Mint Chocolate Chip...My favorite!!!|
TODAY. I was having a rough day, Ok..I was having a rough week. I manage my thorns pretty good. But when out of the lime light I was quiet and absorbed. On the way home from a great afternoon with my family I could feel the stresses resurface.
My son was in the front seat listening to Beacon Light. They are a Christian rap band. One if the lyrics involves the words LIFE SUPPORT. Austin is very influenced by music. The song is a true story of a boy who suddenly ends up on LIFE SUPPORT and eventually dies. Austin solemnly asks "Mom what is Life Support?"
We were driving down Seymore Lake Road, my old bus route when he asked this. How strange I thought he would ask this as we are driving out of the way to go home. See the boys did not know that I wanted to take the scenic route home and get ice cream at Cooks Farm Dairy. Ice cream helps bandage an emotional week! I very seldom drive back into my old town without thinking of life back then....And he asks that question at THAT time...
|Austin enjoying his chocolate chip cookie dough.|
I wish I could remember what I was doing or where I was when I got the phone call that my mother was in the hospital hooked up life support.
Here is what I can say. I was 18 years old, just finished high school and had just moved out.
My relationship with my mother was volatile.
She stayed on life support for almost 3 months. From October till December.
I was a mess. I was being drowned by guilt, anger, grief and blame.
I was confused, broken, and alone.
My brother lived in Florida, my sister was only 16 and the rest of my family were all diseased by addiction. No one was throwing me a life line...Not even God.
I couldn't understand why God would do this to me? How was an 18 year old girl supposed to know how to do this?
Why did I have to make this choice? Why was there no one next to me holding my hand as I sat at the 10 foot table with all these doctors and specialists? I mean I hardly even knew what they were saying. My family weren't even sitting next to me. They were against me.
How much longer was I supposed to go through with this? Everyday up to the hospital, Everyday watching my mother look more and more foreign to me. Everyday reminded I have no mother..Because THIS was NOT my MOM.
At that table I had to make the decision. I had to stand up AGAINST my mothers mother and her brother.
Oh, How they felt. This was someones daughter, someones sister...But it was still my mother.
And she was not alive by anything but a machine being fed electricity. God Why?..I felt so small in that room. I remember my insides shaking. It was so cold in there. I felt like Alice in Wonderland soo small and that table so large.
They hated me. They were mad at me. They argued against me in there with the doctors.
I couldn't hear anymore. I just wanted to run way. Run from them all. But I had no place to go and no one to run to. Alone. Drowning. Sick.
The crazy part was I really wanted my mother there to help me make this decision for HER.
December 8th 1992..She passed away physically. I believe she had already died before this.
Life Support...I guess music is also a tool that influences me as well. One Song. Two Words. Many Memories.
The Run Down:5 miles Yesterday..Progressive run ( each mile faster)
7 miles today.
Struggles: Sore. My body is feeling tired and sore.
Lost IPOD!!! ( after many hours of looking for it the hubby FOUND IT tonight)!!
So this meant the only music I had was the beat of my heals pounding and my breath heaving!