If I am just willy nilly-ing it then whatever. But as of late, I have been more intentional about my runs.
When I am on the TM, the machine does all the thinking for you. The digits are smack square in your face like the devil himself.
On the Track, I have all these digits floating around.
- My target pace
- What lap I am on
- What lap I need to get to one mile
- How many overall laps I need to do.
- My pace per lap, per mile.
I have to stay so focused on the goal.
The big picture isn't decorated in primary colors. It is designed with many degrees and variation of color.
The Big picture is my Marathon in 12 weeks. That marathon is made up of hard runs, long runs, proper diet, sleep, recovery and of course, blood, sweat and tears.
My mind wandered a bit this morning. I was questioning the purpose of my mornings target pace I set and its effectiveness.
I wanted junk miles. I wanted to go easy peasey.
I thought of a lady that was in my addiction group the other night.
Overcome by grief and sorrow she shared her story of the deck of cards she had been dealt with. Her story was tragic.
As a small child, she was abused and abandoned. She had a series of unfortunate events happen to her throughout her life.
After 8 years of counseling, the counselor asked her this "After everything that has happened to you, many of my clients have never gone through a quarter of what you have, how come you have never become a alcoholic or an addict? What did you do to cope with all that tragedy?
She Replied "I never quit praying to God."
I Never QUIT praying to God.
I thought of myself, my story, my history. I had days I was self destructive. As a child, I begged God in prayer and tears to die. Even as a teenager, I continued to pray this prayer almost every day and night.
When the pain was so overwhelming I didn't seek alcohol or drugs as my family had used to cope with, it just seemed too easy.
Their CHOICES effected me. I didn't want the same choices to hurt someone else.
Around the track, I thought of those who have judged me. Those who know my name but not my story as one of my high schoolers always says.
In my confidence I recited:
I Choose to Survive. I will not quit, I may come up crawling and broken, but I will persevere.
I Choose to Live Clean. Garbage in Garbage out. Drugs and Alcohol. These elements destroys families, destroys lives, they confuse, manipulate and deceive. I have 1 body God blessed me with, his word tells me to stay SOBER. Being Sober helps me to stay FOCUSED.
In case you haven't noticed..I am EASILY distracted.
(This is where it gets tricky...People think if I make these choices than I am judging them. Walk in my shoes, Live the life I did...I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday, I don't have the time or energy to look at your profile. I will love you for you, not what you do or don't do.)
I Choose Myself. I don't mind being with myself day after day. I am not a social butterfly. I love people and being around people, but..I don't talk on the phone a lot. Most of the phone calls I get are from people hurting in some way. I will pray for them, try to encourage them and love on them. I LOVE these calls, being an ear and an encouragement to others has always been a love of mine.
I Choose LIFE. To live to the limits comes heartache, hardships, sweetness and victory. There is so much life out there to live. But it is going to cost you. You will have love and you will have hate. You will have friends and you will have enemies. You will have pleasure and you will have pain.
I Choose Not to Fit In. My whole life I wanted to FIT IN. I wanted to be part of something, be part of someone.
I wanted what everyone else had. I always wanted my dad to think I was a princess. I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him. I begged for my mothers love. But to a child, we take addiction so personal, I never thought my mother loved me like I loved her. As and adult, I know she did. Losing both my parents before I was 18 leaves you feeling abandoned and alone, isolated.
At 41, I am just not figuring out I don't have to fit it. I don't have to try so hard.
My heavenly Father has never left me. He was there in all my pain and all my successes.
He saw a purpose in me.
He fills the void I wanted everyone else to fill and never could.
I Choose Love. So many tears. Some days I wonder if I will ever stop crying. I miss Ariel so terrible bad. I make that 2nd turn on the track and the tears explode from my eyes. The music sifts through the air at church, my skin gets prickles, I swallow, I pray, I drop my head as the warm tears drop on the seat in front of me. In my silence I grieve. Alone. Isolated and Shunned.
I CHOOSE CHRIST. In everything, I CHOOSE HIM. I breath his security, I seek his comfort, I crawl in his arms, My heart Trusts HIM. And Him Alone.
"The Lord is my Strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my HEART exults,
And with my song I shall think Him."
WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE??