"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Stressed. people pleasing

You know what I am..I am stressed. Everything went great today. I had coffee with a dear friend and left there and went to physical therapy. And that was great. The whole time being encouraged and ready. Clint had shared a couple things that I really needed to hear.
The Marathon is ALL you should be thinking about. At this point of the game you have had more than enough time to prepare and wrap up details. You can not let your mind or body take on any undeserved stress.
Jackie talked a lot to me today as well. Just setting the framework for what to expect with the weather and the spectaters, She shared a lot of valuable tips and information. I felt good when I left. Better than the guy coming in that had just injured his hamstring and was also running Boston. Poor guy was still painting an optimistic smile when I was leaving.
Much of the information Clint shared was DO NOT STRESS. How bad it was for you. Do not worry about planning, people, arrangements any of it. When you get to Boston all you should be thinking about is Running.
BUT here I lay crying. I am not super human, I am not cool, calm or collected. I am so upset. I can not make everyone happy. I am trying to please my family coming in from Florida and I am trying to make my husband happy as well. And I feel like everyone keeps saying "Well I just don't want YOU to worry." How do you make everyone happy. We are all so diverse. We do things differently and differently does not mean wrong it means differently. I am pulled by two opposites and just want to RUN. At this point I want to run and run and run. I do not want my husband upset and I do not want my sister in law upset. And I am the one laying here with this big pit in my stomach and tears streaming down my face. How can my entire day go so well and in 5 minutes it just implode? And to top it off, I hate crying. I do not like feeling like I can not handle this. Or that I am being a sissy. Or that I do not know how to manage my emotions or whatever..My insides feel turned upside down and I can not even see how to get myself out of this. Whatever this is. Why do we have to pull up our big girl pants and suck it up? Right now I just do not have it in me.
I feel guilty to make matters worse. I had another girlfriend call me out of the blue this evening, She was very encouraged my some things that I had written. She did not know a lot of the things that I wrote about the last few weeks. Such as the Boston Marathon. Here I had actually inspired her. WOW.  When I hung up the phone I was a completely different person than I am right now.When I hung up I was encouraged. I was excited and inspired. I was strong and resilient, I do not like who I am right now. I feel confused, broken, angry, and blah blah blah...that's what it sounds like.. So what does that tell me..
For tonight I will Breathe.
I will Pray and put it all in Gods Hands asking him for wisdom and discernment.
I will have my Pity Party and send out NO invitations because it will not be long enough to hold anyone hostage to anyway.
I will recite: "God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT this things I CANNOT change, The Courage to Change the things I CAN and the WISDOM to KNOW the difference."
Tomorrow is a NEW day. and tonight is being recovered....


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