Calming the Seas for Me

"What sort of man is this that even the winds and seas obey?"

I have read this passage a hundred times. But suddenly it was as if a light went on for me.

Another reminder of how much I am not.

I am just a piece of sand swept up from the sea.

A star unseen.

A blink in time.

A single tear from a grieving heart.

I live each day planned out with intention and entitlements. Never looking at tomorrow like it will never come.

I walk the walk. I say my prayers at night. I put my Sunday best on. I quote scripture and know how to church myself up.

But it becomes routine, traditional if your not careful.
Yes, I believe GOD created the heavens and the Earth.
I believe that He gave HIS son so we could have eternal life.
I believe HE parted the sea and calmed the storms.

But am I living that way. Humbled, broken, modest.

I hear my words echo behind me with no way to detach from them.
My thoughts trail off into darkness with raging conviction and confusion.
I respond without thinking unrecognizable to even myself.

Andy playfully put his cold hands on my back a couple days ago. Without a breath I shrieked "DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!"

I saw my countenance in the bathroom mirror. I was horrified.
Andy laughed but cautiously stepped aside "Anita! Seriously what is wrong with you?! Why is that your first response? What happened in your childhood?"

I stare in the mirror and that person looking back at me is so foreign from the person I want to be.

I am so far from perfect, I am a perfect mess however.

I will fail you.

I will disappoint you.

I will confuse you.

I will hurt you.

I know because I do it to myself.

"What sort of MAN is this that even the WINDS and SEAS OBEY"

Tuesday Nights is our Addiction night at our church. I am surrounded by about 300 addicts, alcoholics, family and friends and people struggling.
They are tattooed, tainted, troubled and turned away from society.
Misfits.
They are there marked and transparent. Everyone knows their sins.

WHAT if we walked out with our sins tattooed across our skin for the world to judge.

All our thoughts, our words, our actions blunt and apparent to all.

It makes me want to curl up like a baby.

BUT there is a GOD, Someone BIGGER than you and I and the heaven HE created.

And HE DOES LOVE this beautiful mess when many others may not. He sees me on the other side of the sea HE has parted just for me.
He RAISES ME from death and DEFEAT.
He didn't just FEED 5000, He fed me with Life Everlasting.
He walked on water just for this Broken Mess.

"Why are you afraid? Oh ye of little FAITH?"

Why are you afraid? Why am I afraid? I am church, rehearsed and versed.
I am honest to you, Judge me if you may.
He is My GOD. I know He LOVES me. He accepts me when I wonder why others do not.

HE IS GOD.
I am NOT.  
Let go of being your own God. Let it all go.
Let HIM Calm the Storms in Your Life.
Even in your imperfections You are amazing.


READ Mathew 8:23-27

Sending sweet prayers and love to JUDY~
Anita~