"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Not so Amazing

Austin, my 16 year old had a basketball game out in Flushing last night. I made a very difficult decision to NOT go and instead go to my family Addiction support meeting at the church.
I have been doing this group for over 10 years. I have a big spot in my heart for those struggling with addiction and the families that surround them.

The drive from Holly to Waterford was not that bad in my big ole Dodge Ram. I actually enjoyed the power my vehicle possessed and the security I received from it.
I plowed through the snow and ice looking foreword to seeing all those I have worked with for months and some years.
When I leave a meeting, there is not a period. I continue to think about them, pray for them and look forward to seeing them.

With my hands full and wet snow sticking to my face, I headed up the big white steps into the church.

"Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another." Romans 12:10
Familiar faces circled me. I smiled and hugged all that I came in contact with. I heard our pastor bringing us leaders together in prayer.
He stood across from me. Looking down I heard his voice, "Anita, Did they cancel your boys basketball game?"
My heart jumped out of my chest as I searched for my voice.
"Ahh, No, I didn't go, I missed you guys." I smiled in awkwardness.
Pastor Jim replied to everyone in the circle, "That girl is amazing...."
I looked down.

Again, in the auditorium Pastor Jim was shaking hands and called me amazing again.

Before I had gotten to our meeting, I had been hugged, edified and called amazing 3 times.
I was being called amazing BUT I didn't FEEL very amazing. I actually felt ashamed that they were calling me amazing.
What was so amazing about me?
Was is my outfit?
Was it my makeup?
Was it my smile?
Was it my new highlights?
Because It couldn't be ME. I just didn't feel amazing.

I wasn't so amazing when I yelled at my kids the night before.
I wasn't so amazing when I was gossiping about so and so.
I wasn't so amazing when I went through the Drive Thru and they messed my order up 3 times.
I wasn't so amazing when I was thinking bitter thoughts.
I wasn't so amazing when I looked cross eyed at Andy 200 times.
What was so amazing?

My heart was so heavy. I felt like an imposter. A wolf in sheep's  clothing. What did they see in me? Tears saturated my heart. I reigned them in, hiding them, desperately clutching them.
What did they see in me?...Would they still think I was amazing if they knew I really had all these imperfections?
"My righteousness is of FILTHY RAGS."

I cried all the way home. I grieved, I mourned, I cried in complete humility.

See, I wasn't going to Church for ME. I was tired. I had my own family that needed me. It was inconvenient. I had other responsibilities..
I was going because I love those broken hearts. I Love those that love me, and I even love those that do not. God put it on my HEART, He wanted me there. No matter what I FELT.
Sometimes you do what you need to do for others.
Sometimes you go to church for a niece.
Sometimes you read your bible for your children.
Sometimes you PRAY for your husband.
Sometimes you are on your knees for your parents.
Sometimes you forgive for someone else.
Sometimes you put that bottle down for your family.
Yes, it would be nice if you did it for yourself, but sometimes you just don't have the energy. Sometimes you just DONT FEEL LIKE IT. You don't have the desire.
Sometimes you need to do it for something BIGGER than you.
I thought of Ariel. Every week going to church and taking her. Having 15 kids flood my house as Andy and I opened out house up to the youth. Going to concerts, camps and praying with her in the darkness of my house. I was a young mom of two. I had my own family, I was exhausted, but I had to do it for her.
Where was she now, she wasn't next to me anymore. Far removed from this earthy atmosphere, a picture, a memory, a bottomless amount of tears. But she was in HEAVEN.
If it was just for me....It was ALL worth it.
Andy celebrated 10 years clean from IV drug use, they told him he had to get clean for HIMSELF. He didn't feel he was worth it. But his family was. Sometimes you NEED to do it for someone other than yourself.

Sometimes you do it because somebody else needs it more than you need it for yourself.

I am not so amazing. I am just a nobody trying to be something for someone else. For every one you can help you also possess the same power to hurt. Its your choice.
They think I am amazing.. They don't see my ugly. I have a lot of ugly.
What others see in you, you don't always see in yourself.

"This is my commandment, that ye LOVE one another, as I have LOVE YOU." John 15:12
Its about LOVE. Loving others so much that you can look beyond their UGLY and still think they are amazing.
Loving them so much you see them through Christ's eyes.
LOVE DIES to Self, it doesn't think about self, it thinks about the selves of others.
I am so Grateful for those that think I am amazing when I am not so amazing.


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