"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Rid me of Myself

"My grace is sufficient for you, for MY POWER is made perfect in Weakness."
I have days when I feel so inadequate. Days when insecurity takes root in my mind. The ball begins to roll, growing into a monster of emotions. From inadequacy to insecurity, then I feel fear rise and turn into anxiety. The monster grows, clouding out my hope and faith not just in myself but in God.
My 50 mile race is fast approaching. I ran 73 miles the week of the Crim. I raced the Crim, a very challenging 10 mile course only to add on the 8K after.  I ran 20 miles with a group of beastly trail runners, making that a 30 miles run.  
My body got trashed. My mind felt confident, until my body wasn't recovering from the abusive week of running.
I did everything I could think of, trying to recover my broken body. I iced, rolled, stretched, took Epson salt baths, watched my diet closely and prayed.
Maybe I didn't pray hard enough.
Maybe I didn't pray right.
Maybe I didn't ask others to pray for me.
No one is going to want to pray for me. There are bigger things out there then Anita running 50 miles. No one cares.
Insecurity. Heart ache. Confusion.
I needed to run to RID ME OF MYSELF.
The voices are so loud. "But God, You care, You love me, You have great and mighty things for me...Right?"
"God, I know running isn't going to solve the worlds problems, or it isn't going to feed the hungry, its not going to impact anyone in a life changing way...but its special to me...And God I JUST can't do it with out YOU, and I just do not WANT to do it without you next to me."
That terrible insecure moment when you wonder if God is listening or if he has bigger things to move on to.
I mean RUNNING? Does he really care? Are you out there Lord?
My ankle got beat up in the trails, I tripped on this root that I beleive came up from Hell and tried to bring me down with it. I lost a toenail and my toe is black. Every muscle screamed for days at me. And sleep?! I didn't sleep for 4 days.
I brought my weakened body to rest. I took my miles down and 2 days off this week.
WEAK. My body and my mind felt confused and WEAK.
20 miles was my training run for the today. I had circumstances that took precedence over my run. I didnt know how I was going to pull any miles off in the heat anyway.
And my body? How was it going to feel? Did it recover?
I never quit today, but I wanted to quit a thousand times. The sweat was stinging my eyes, the heat was scorching my skin. And I was tired.  The voices in my head were arguing with each other, I felt like I was losing. Losing the battle.
With 4 miles in we were totally drenched in sweat, How was I going to make it another 14-16 miles. I felt so defeated.
Jama, my running partner shared my misery. Together, we just put one foot in front of each other.
I don't know what was more work, trying to drown out the chatter in my head or continue to run.

Sometimes we look at our circumstances and think;
 "How am I going to get through this?"
"I am so broken, I am so beat up, I just cant see the end of it all."
"Does it matter? What's the point?"
"HELLO?? God Are YOU out There, This is Anita...Remember me?"

Being WEAK isn't so bad. It is a reminder that I am HUMAN. I am not some super hero. It is the perfect reminder of who I am NOT and who HE is.
After I ran, I had to attend a showing. A dear friend of mine, Lisa lost her mother in law at 65. So young.
As I was leaving Coats Funeral home, a woman caught my eye. I barely know her but I stopped, turned and gave her a hug. We shared a few words and she finished our brief conversation with "...You inspire me.."

She had no idea how uninspiring I felt this week. I felt weak, insecure, inadequate... But then God showed up again in a great and mighty way. His POWER, gave me the strength to NOT quit. His POWER gave me confidence, gave me comfort and gave me security through her words. He spoke through someone else to remind me of His Power.
Weakness is not just a physical condition, Mental weakness breeds and reigns havoc.
Her words put a lump in my throat. Even in my Weakness HIS power is PERFECT.

Rid me of myself
Because I Belong to YOU.

No comments:

Post a Comment