Everything hurt so bad. Everything hurt so bad that I no longer felt the pain of my broken toe. I was going around the track struggling to maintain my pace. Even though I was watchless, I was not TIMELESS.
The digital clock hung above the track reminding me how I did not have the time to slow down. As I started running on the track my plan was to run easy. Somewhere around 3 miles everything changed. I edited my plan as I looked at the clock. I decided what time I wanted to finish my 8 miles, hoping that I could catch up to that time.
The pain to recover that 3 miles began to take its toll about mile 6. I could hear my breathing in the space between songs. I sounded like death. The sweat was beading along my forehead. I desperately tried to focus on the task at hand, constantly telling myself to "Calm Down". It is so hard to relax when you can't breath, your lungs are burning, your calves are throbbing and ever fiber in your body is sensitive to the air surrounding you. I could feel my banana creeping up with the bile that it was drenched in. It was pain on every level. Everything hurt so bad. I WANTED TO QUIT.
How do you get through that PAIN?
I think about life. I think about death. I think about the hardships in life. I intermingle life and running to find motivation to move through it. I often think of the scars across my knees from 2 knee surgeries in 15 months. I remember my surgeon trying to convince me to quit running. He didn't know I had a dream to run the Boston Marathon.
Many runs I find myself with tears streaming down my face as I draw from the pain of life to remind me I Am Capable. I Am Strong. I am More Than a Conqueror.
We have all been in that dark place. The place of No Hope. The place we feel the pains of life crashing over top of us. The pain is consuming and confusing. It makes us think things we might never think of and do things we would never do.
There is a beautiful woman who committed suicide just this week. I never met her. She was someones daughter. Someones friend. Someones coworker. Someones sister. She was overcome with pain and heartache.
I thought about her and her pain as I circled the track. I thought of the scars across my wrists and arms as I was a young girl with no hope. That was many years ago. The pain was overwhelming to me at that place in my life. I would beg God to take me. I would get angry that I didn't have the courage to go deeper.
Looking back I believe I had the courage to live not die.
It pains me to see these young people have no hope. I am so burdened for them.
Life is full of Pain.
As I struggled to breath going on my 8th mile, I reminded myself God gives me Hope, Strength and the Courage to conquer and persevere through PAIN. But in Life and In Running you are going to endure pain to become better.
There are going to be days that the pain is so substantial that you just want to quit.
There are going to be days you are confused and feeling lost.
There are going to be days that you feel isolated and seclude. As if no one understands.
Breathe. Seek God For all your inadequacies. Allow Him to give You HOPE.
Every day I am forced to look at an ugly scar across my arm. It is a reminder of the chaos that raged in my head from the pains of this life. I hate that scar. I hate that I disfigured my body. I was begging God for miracles instead of the madness I was birthed from. I felt so hopeless.
There were days with the loss of Ariel that I found myself running in the middle of the road so lost. I could feel the cars brush pass me as I flirted with ideas. Days I wanted to run until no one could find me. I had days that I would run and find myself crumbled in a ball on the side of the road crying uncontrollably . I would stare at the cars asking myself "Would I die instantly?" The pain of losing Ariel was and is the hardest thing I have been through in years.
God Gives Hope. God Gives Strength.
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18
Seek The Lord. Pray.
If you are struggling in a dark place Do NOT Give Up. Seek The Lord he will give you the light to show you the way through.
Distance: 8 miles
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