And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
I stayed t0o busy the past 4 days. I knew the hammer was going to come down on me. Today it came down hard. I woke up so drained and burdened. My heart ached and my heart was empty.
It was the first song at church this morning that sealed the deal. I felt my shoulders drop and my head bow. My eyes were quickly filling with tears. There was nothing I could do to stop my body from shaking in sadness.
Death. Loss. Grief. It does not make any sense to me. I just cannot comprehend any of this. I see Ariels face and I think
" You should be right here, next to me."
"Where are you Ariel?'
"Why are you gone?"
"How did this happen?"
"This is not real..is it?"
I just want to crawl inside myself. I want to fold into nothingness. I feel so depleted.
And I hear the above verse at church this morning and I cry harder. I KNOW God is good all the time. I KNOW he is doing a work through this aweful misfortune. I know God made me a Warrior, a Survivor....But in MY strength I feel so very very WEAK. And yet in HIS Strength I know I am strong enough to survive.
I have also thought of myself as stronger than the average. Even at 5'1, 102 lbs I feel like a fighter. I have always thought of myself as tougher than I am. I have thought of myself as a Conqueror.
Here I lie crumbled, beaten and confused. I feel weak and powerless.
I Hear Gods word saying "I will never give YOU more than you can handle."
So in my Weakness I am again reminded that it is NOT how I feel that matters It is HOW GOD feels about Me that Matters. And HE Knew I was strong enough with HIM to get through this. He knew this would not break me.
So I will use what little strength I have to make it to the box of Kleenex and to the next day going forward one day at a time.
Thursday: Thanksgiving. Everyone was on good behavior. It was a great day. We had over 30 people come over for dinner. My sister in law "Becky" hosted. The Robinsons came over for games and that was a lot of fun.
I enjoyed watching my boys play and have fun.
There was a piece of me that died with Ariel. I felt that missing peice despite the laughs, food and games. I felt her absence every second that went by. But I tried so very hard to smile and go on.
I pulled an alnighter minus an hour powernap, meeting my best friend at 11:30pm to go shopping.
Friday: Still shopping till 12. I met up with the family for lunch and then got my boys from "Beckys" and headed home.
Got home about 1:30. I put the stuff away, picked back up the house and took a power nap. My Nephew "Brian" showed up at 3:30 with his girlfriend to run the Fantasy 5K in Howel with Alec and I.
"Danielle" saved us places for the parade in Howell. She met us out there and ran the race with us. Brian ran with his girlfriend and Danielle ran with Alec and I. Brian is 18 and going into the Marines. I was so PROUD of my him and Alec. This was "Brians" 1st race and he did great...but Alec beat him!
Go Go Go. Eventually it all catches up with you. And today it did. Tough day but I am so Thankful for every tear.