Gratitude in my Grief

I thought the funeral was paid off. Guess I was wrong. Hmm.

Well I just have to say this. Andy and I have been given some incredible donations. I am brought to my knees in gratitude. I have so many Thank you cards to write out.
We were given a Check today for $1000 for Ariel. I had an idea where I wanted to put it towards Ariel and when I showed it tearfully to Andy he was on the same page. I couldn't hardly even look at it with out crying.
I just know she would be so incredibly grateful.  I wish I could share with her how giving and generous people are. Our friends have been amazing.

I miss her so much. It hurts every inch of me.
"I miss your smile Anita"  Kelli at work says.
I didn't even know what to say. I think I smile but then I know I am just entertaining others with an obviously worked smile. A courteous smile.

Today is 3 weeks. It isnt getting any better. With my hands over my face the tears seep through my fingers. My eyes burn and I can hardly swallow back the pain. I cry in the dark. I recite her words of love and adoration for me. I just want to crawl deep under the sheets and melt away.
I can feel her so close but as I open my eyes she is no where. No where close to me but in my heart everywhere.
I lost a daughter. I lost a lover of me. I have never felt pain like this.

I am trying to cling to my gratitude in my grief.  But it hurts. everything hurts.

Anita