There is something so inviting about clear skies and warm air.
I really switched my routine up this morning. I didn't have time to bike; however, I did have time to take Sheba for a 2 mile walk.
I had a lot of noise in my head that I need to muffle. There is something to be said about going for a walk to clear your head.
I would like to say that my walk did the trick. The voices slowly began to surface.
I found myself on a 12 mile bike ride a few hours later.
I had a couple euphonies.
A lot of my sadness is circulated around not being able to run.
Not being able to run makes me more hypersensitive to issues I would normally let roll off me. These issues now feel like nails on a chalk board.
So I needed to dissect my running as a whole.
I took my focus off not being able to run and redirected it towards what I have to be grateful for.
After all, it is ONLY running that I can not do.
"What is bothering you about not being able to RUN?" I asked myself. This is what I came up with:
- I have already registered for the Detroit Marathon. What if I can not run it?
- The Crim is right around the corner. This is my FAVORITE RACE ever. My baby. This is a family event we all go to. The thought breaks my heart. Austin is running it. Andy is running it. I am not??
I then came up with one of my most popular sayings "The Only Thing that is The End Of The World: IS The End Of The World."
I could slowly begin to breath. "Ok Anita, You are going to be Ok."
I can BIKE.
I can Work Out.
I have my Health.
I have my Family.
And I have Father God, who Loves me more than anything. Who carries me, Who listens to me, Who believes in me.
I am Going to Be OK.
I found that I was not just grieving Running, I was grieving my favorite races and the tradition of running them.
It is gonna be Ok. I will do the best I can do. I will remain positive and optimistic and just wait on God to heal me and direct me.
BUT..Know this. I will bike my little heart out. I will stretch my body like Gumby. I will roll, I will ICE and I will do my exercises with all my heart, mind and soul.
I will not back down.
I will not give anything less that everything I have.
I will not go down without a FIGHT.
And the Worst Case Scenario: I don't run my races.
My Best Case Scenario: I am a stronger person for not giving up.
I Challenge YOU to do the Same.
Don't GIVE Up. Fight with everything you have.
Fight in FEAR, Fight in FAITH.
But Don't Give up.
If you are not out of breath from trying, Try Harder.
A little Piece of ME:
I had a little conversation with my sister today about memories. Sad to say we do not have many great memories. Even sadder my sister hardly remembers much of anything. Probably because she locked herself in the closet for most of her teenage life! Seriously.
So as a child I begged God to get me to the next day. I wish I could grab a hold of some more memories.
Then today, my son Alec hides himself under the covers because he struggled with memories as well. Andy discovered some pictures on the PS3. Alec broke down as he headed to the bedroom to hide his emotions.
I made a choice a long time ago. I was going to be the best mother I could possibly be. Now, I have failed many times. But my children will without a doubt be able to tell you that their mother loves them and would go to hell and back for them.
Alec struggles different than we struggled as kids, my sister and I.
We wanted to grow up. We wanted to get through. The memories we have haunt us and hurt us. We have a difficult time finding memories because we spent so much time not wanting to remember.
Alec doesn't want to grow up. He can not look at pictures and it hurts him to reminisce. He wants to live with us forever. He is very sensitive to growing up independently. Memories make him sad because they mean so much to him.
I thought it was interesting how God showed me both these illustrations of my sister hiding away and Alec also hiding away. God can use all of it. He is doing a work in you no matter where you hide. And no matter where you hide, He always knows where you are.