Do it Ugly.

I have been a good girl! Thank you to all those that have checked on me the last few days. I know you thought I was going to sneak out and run.
But I didn't.
No running.
No working.

But Sunday...Oh it was torture.
My family was so mad at me. They didn't want me to go out in public because I had no immunity.
I had a baby shower for Angie I didn't want to miss.
And my client Jean, sweet Jean was performing in "Moon over Buffalo" at the Village players in Birmingham. I had looked forward to seeing her for months. I just couldn't miss her last performance. I brought my hand sanitizer and prayed.

It took a lot of makeup and a lot of time to add life to my face. I walked out of the house Sunday to go to the baby shower, "Anita, you look so pretty...." Andy stared at me like a different person just came out. 

I felt more confident then I had in days. I didn't shy away from the mirror. I felt like a woman again. 

MONDAY. 

I wanted to wake up and feel amazing. I wanted to run 20 miles today. I wanted to have energy and feel like my crazy wild spirit. 

The first mile. I may have used all my energy climbing onto the swing!

I wanted things to be easier for me today. 

But it wasn't that way. 

I struggle running in groups these days. I feel like a burden. I never know how my body will respond to running. 

Andy had asked me not to run 20 miles before my bloodwork at 11am. He was slowly getting over me going to the shower and the play, I didn't want to be a jerk. 

I compromised, "How about if I run 10-12 before my labs and run the rest after?" I asked in a way that he knew I had already decided to do this. I am pretty stubborn. "Anita, your going to do what your going to do...."  I hear this a lot. 

Maybe that was my mistake. Maybe being a brat came back and kicked me in the butt. 

I don't know much other than running that first 12 miles was TORTURE. It hurt the whole time. 

My biggest goal was to just get to the next mile where I could walk. I did walk breaks at the top of every mile and walked the hills. 

I tried to talk, laugh, be my old self but it hurt. 

I hurt. My head hurt thinking about how hard everything that was so easy felt soo hard. 

I finished my 12 miles, a little discouraged with myself, and not sure how I was going to run again. I also knew there was NO WAY I was going to be able to run 20 miles. 

LABS:

Andy surprised me and made it to my blood work. 

My blood work surprised me and was GREAT. Deb my PA was chatting with Dr, Cotant about my labs. I was eavesdropping in my room.  Laughing, "I can HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT ME...."  I yelled outside my room into the hallway. 

Deb, laughed, turned her head towards my open door. "We know....." 

They know I am not bashful and maybe a little obnoxious. 

My labs were great. I didn't have to have anymore shots of Granix! 

I left so happy. 

RUN 2. 

Lacey texted that if I waited to run she would run with me. I really liked that idea. I was fading so fast. 

I was struggling to breathe. My head was pounding and I was exhausted. I went right to the couch. 

I laid down and rested until Lacey showed up to run at 3:20. 

5 Miles. I can do 5 miles.....

And together we ran 5 miles. I couldn't pace myself. My heartrate was all over. Lacey gave me all the walk breaks I needed. 

I was very honest with Lacey. I shared my heart and my struggles running. 

I had big plans with myself yesterday. I thought things would go different, better. 

I didn't know how I was going to get from one mile to the other. 

I was supposed to feel better. I was supposed to run better. It was supposed to be different. 

I ran slower. 

I ran shorter.

I ran with more difficulty. 

I felt like a burden. 

All I did was literally RUN, REST, LABS, REST. I ran out for a small errand but did nothing all day. 

BUT I RAN, I finally thought in my quiet time. I ran 17 MILES. So what if it wasn't pretty Anita, you RAN 17 MILES you BIG BABY. Get over yourself. Be grateful, be thankful for not just every mile but the friendships that ran with you, that encouraged you and helped you. 

I understand nothing. Everyday is a mystery to me. All I can do is my best. 

I just can't quit. I can compromise. I can alter things but I can't quit. I am so afraid to give up. 

I don't understand much, what I do understand is no matter what I can't control, what I can't understand, what I can't figure up, I have to keep on keeping on. 

Doing it ugly, is still doing it. 

For the last 15 weeks, over 3 months I have not quit. This Wednesday, I get to RING THE BELL! 

Anita