Perfectly imperfect

I was so excited I had my sign upside down!

Wednesday Chemo I was a Rockstar! I did something I have never done before.
I stayed AWAKE! I have never stayed awake. I have tried so hard but it is a losing battle with the Benadryl.
Mom brought me Starbucks, a drink named "The Pink Drink", how appropriate. It is a strawberry drink made with coconut milk, delicious. I sipped my drink and played cards with her and Andy waiting to cash out. But April slowed my Benadryl down and what a difference it made, I was awake enough to beat everyone at Play Nine!

My energy levels were spiked. Even though I had toxic belly I got home ready to tackle some jobs that have been slacking.
I rearranged the living room, getting my fall décor out.
I made tacos with fried pads (My families favorite).
And I made a carrot cake from scratch, frosting as well.

The problem with all that energy is I NEVER SLEPT ALL NIGHT. I am still awake from getting up yesterday at 6:30am.
I read a 100 pages throughout the night, played games on my phone, prayed, and desperately tried not to think too much.
My stomach looked like I was in my third trimester. My legs were twitching like a crack head so I had to sleep in the spare room. I was afraid to wake up Andy, he is in his own misery, he is suffering from the Man Flu! Poor Baby!

Can we chat freely?
Can I share openly?

I didn't RUN yesterday. This too is a first. I have ran before EVERY Chemo treatment.
RUNNING IS MY PASSION.
It gives my normalcy. Gives me life. It allows me to breath when cancer wants to take my breath.
When I am angry, I need to run.
When I am sad I need to run.
When I am confused I need to run.

Cancer is my morning, noon and night. I wake up sometimes in a fog, confused how I got here, such a horrible nightmare.
I let the hot shower splash off my bald head as I soap my body and cringe as my hands go over my port and I want to throw up.
My skin is slick, hairless.
My skin is transparent, colorless.
I struggle to recognize myself in the mirror.

Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.."

SO I RUN. Some of you don't get it, that's OK.
It gives me LIFE. When this life has gotten so dark it gives me light.
It doesn't make sense to some, but it gives me another gear, gives me Hope, gives me Power over this hell.

Let me RUN. Be Happy for me.

It is one thing to live with Cancer and the daily fears of my future.
But then life collides. The pains of the daily roles of living. The drama of everyday living.
Double Wammy.

God has giving me this passion. I have fought this cancer BECAUSE of MY RUNNING.
I hear every week, "Anita, whatever you are doing, KEEP DOING IT, it is working!"
This week at I was getting my blood draw and my nurse says to me "You have inspired me....I started running intervals. I thought of you out there running with cancer and thought, if she can do this I can try..."
I have had many reach out to me encouraged and inspired. Just by doing what I love.

The Running Community has reached out to me like family. I have felt so much love and compassion.

Running might be the only thing I do all day. It may exhaust me and it does, but it takes me out of a dark pit that wants to emotionally sabotage me.

Today, I met Danielle at Kensington. The coach coached the coach. She pushed me gently. Encouraged me up the hills. I ran the whole 8 mile course! And according to her Garmin we ran a sub 9min/mi. I was stoked! She spoiled me with dinner and cookies!

My Garmin pace wasn't accurate, I had a walk included and turned it off before the 9. It was 8 miles at a sub 9min/mi and about a miles walk. 

On my way home I took my girlfriend Hollys advice and made a massage appointment in hopes it would relax me. I needed to sleep!

It didn't work. I did rest all afternoon so I would be ready to run with Andy at Complete Runner. I have really been having fun going up there.
Another 5 miles at a 9min/mi.
I was all gooey with my accomplishments.
14miles total today. Take that Cancer!

I GAINED  MORE WEIGHT! I am up to 6lbs. I think it is all in my butt and belly! It would be a cruel joke if that weight went to my boobies and they are about to get lobbed off! 

My hemoglobin dropped to 10.5. Not too bad.  

And my hair is coming in on my head, like a fuzzy chick! 

 I am learning that I can't worry about what I can't control. At the end of the day all I can control is my attitude towards people and situations. I can control my effort, my heart and my focus every day. 

Keep being the best you no matter the where you are at in life. 

Anita