The Slack Line.

"Who you hang out with determines what you dream about and what you collide with. And the collisions and the dreams lead to your changes. And the changes are what you become. Change the outcome by changing your circle." -Seth Godin

Sarah, Estella, Andrew, me, Celia, Rita and Amelia

I circle myself around DREAMERS.
Goal Setters.
Positive Influencers.
People of Faith.
People who love, have hope, and believe in beauty of all sorts.
I NEED this in my life. In sickness and in health I need these characters to remind me of who I am when I get lost, confused or beaten down..

I have been beaten down this last treatment. Wednesday was my death march, it was my last Carboplatin treatment and it was my worst.
It was the first time I almost called off work I was so sick.
"The hardest part is showing up" I told myself.
"Get up Nita, take a shower, just get up...."
All I did for 2 days was sleep and sweat. I couldn't stop sweating.  My appetite was minimal. I had to force myself to eat and drink.

Friday when I worked,  I couldn't get home fast enough. I just wanted to get back to bed. Courtney bought me a Verners, and that was all I could drink that didn't taste like metal.
I woke up to work on Saturday wondering why I still felt so slumped. I had hoped it would be a better day only it was no different than the days before it.
My skin was sticky from sweating all night. My urine smelled foul from all the chemo coming out of me, (I know, a lot of info...) I had not gone poo poo in 3 days so my belly was distended and bloated.
And I was just plain ugly to look at. 
I wanted to cry when I saw myself in the mirror. My skin was gray and lifeless. The wrinkles were deeper, wrapped around the dark circles my eyes carried. My eyes looked hollow, zombie like with no eyebrows to open them up. And my hair, as excited as I am to have it growing, it makes me look like I am sick with its patchiness and lack of color.

I came home from work Saturday and found myself back in bed. Depressed. Discouraged.
I kept telling myself, "YOUR DONE Anita! No more Carbo! And only 2 more treatments!"
I just had to feel this last bit harder, it was part of the process, OWN IT ANITA....Suck it up, it is part of the process.

SUNDAY: Women in the "D" 10K. 

I LOVE THIS PHOTO. I have looked at it a dozen times.  It represents so much to me. 

As I look at this pic I see so much VICTORY.
At the top of the steps...I HAVE MADE IT.
My Pink TUTU...Breast Cancer, it is around my waist, but it did NOT weigh me down, I carried it, it did not carry me.
Sarah's genuine laughter...Good friendships I have made along the way. Friendships that see you to the top, stay beside you and help you keep those dreams alive.
My medal...Me showing Sarah my medal, I was so proud of myself, I DID it. It took so much to run that 10k, I was so proud of myself.
My bandana...At the top of the stairs I reached up, tore my pink bandana off my bald head and threw it in the air with courage. I didn't have to hide underneath that bandana, letting insecurity own me.

The Tribe you Keep. Dreamers. 

Sarah invited me to run this race with her clan a few weeks ago. She bought us all pink TuTu's in honor of breast cancer. 

Saturday night I really had no idea how I was going to get up at 5:30am let alone run a 10k. 

The hardest part is GETTING UP. 

Get your ARSE out of bed ANITA! 

Slap some make up on your face so you look better. If you don't look good, you don't feel good. I told myself. 

Find you passion...I get to RUN. It didn't matter what it looked like, I just had to do it and know I would love doing it. 

Sarah's clan were all full of smiles. We met them at 7:30am on Belle Isle. I kept waiting for Sarah to head out with her friends but she never left me. 

She ran the whole race with me, laughing, chatting and poo-ing with me! Yep...We hit the bathrooms together both so excited to go poo, what a disappointment! 

A little after mile 1 I saw LACEY!

I WAS completely taken by surprise!

Lacey surprised me and showed up to cheer us on. 

I wanted so badly to be my normal ridiculously hyper self, and I did a pretty good job. I saw Joe B. out there snapping picks and yelling "MARCO" in our own special way. 

I did my best to laugh and cheer the other runners on. 

Sarah coached me with no excuses. She wouldn't let me pull the "Cancer Card" and whine. I loved it. 

"OH NO you can't..." she would laugh as I was thinking of another excuse to walk. 

NO EXCUSES

I finished that 10K. Many times I struggled to catch my breath. My heart was pounding through my ears, my body was sweating like a stuck pig...But I finished! 

Jeesh..for that matter the biggest victory was showing UP!

After the race Celia had a pavilion for us all. Sarah had brought a slack line. One of the gals that ran brought her daughter. Sarah set the slack line up between 2 trees, demonstrating how to use it. 

The lil gal with the biggest smile climbed up to walk across the slack line. 

She would get a few feet and fall, each time getting back up. With more confidence she stepped farther than she had stepped, walking about 5 feet when the slackline flipped catching her under the arm as she landed. She tried so hard to stay strong and not cry but we knew she was hurt. Tears began to well up in her eyes. Sarah was gentle to encourage her. Together we told her to not give up. 

We both know that pain can dictate your choices. It can rob you or it can motivate you. But was she too young to grasp the concept? Was the pain to much? 

Out of the corner of our eyes we saw her minutes later climbing back up the slack line. 

Sarah and I were choked up. 

I close with this. 

Whether it is cancer, or pain or you name it....You might have the greatest excuse, don't get in the habit of using it. 

Another reason I love my circle. They don't let me use excuses. 

We are all walking a slack line. Some of us get back up and try again. Some of us quit because we get discouraged or it hurts. 

Don't quit. Don't give up. 

Anita~