Insecurity. A honest battle.

As we walked out of the funeral home, I could see several people take a glance in my direction. Some looked more than once, some just stared and a few whispered.
I wondered what they thought, what they were thinking.
I felt that insecurity thing creep up. I tried to walk tall, continue to smile but I actually felt like crawling inside myself.
I knew that people didn't mean anything bad. My head scarf was very pretty, my make-up was on yet I felt insecure.
One lady whispered in my ear, "I have 21 years..... "
She had breast cancer, and shared her story with me, it was very sweet.
That's cancer for you. Takes your confidence away, and I was doing so well.
It's  like wearing a shirt that says "Hi! yes I have  CANCER."  That's it. Everyone knows I have CANCER.  I can't be private about it because it speaks volumes.
I love the hugs, the stories, the smiles, the support and the encouragement its just my insecurity brews when people stare at me. Its crazy, I guess that's a great prayer I need. A prayer that God would help me be more confident in this journey. I get to a place I think "YEAH Nita, walk tall sister." and then I find myself cowering. It really is a roller coaster.

My Therapy...RUNNING.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Psalms 17:22

"Anita, so how did you not know you were going to run 16 miles..." Andy just stared at me. I could see his disapproval but I could also see he was torn.
I was so animated about my run he had a hard time getting mad at me.
It meant so much to me that he didn't get mad.
I ran smart. I drank a lot of water, I ate and we walked all the hills. The trails at Holdridge were stunning. Every mile I smiled.
They said I couldn't, but they don't know me. My Dr's are afraid that I will get dehydrated and run my body down.
Every moment of every day, every time I look in the mirror at my bald head, every time I undress and see that port buldging out of my skin, every time I touch my breast and feel that cancerous tumor inside me I am reminded I have this awful disease.
I feel this ugly invasion of my body. Every day, every minute it haunts me. It shadows me everywhere.
But when I RUN, when I run I am FREE. I feel like that cancer doesn't have me. I feel like myself.
I FEEL LIKE I AM WINNING. I am in beating what cancer says I can't do.
I am left with more that miles for the day.
I am left with JOY. That Joy that permeates everything. That Joy that conquers my insecurities, that battles my weakness, that reminds me I am not a slave to cancer.
I want more than just life. I want that LIFE Abundantly, you know the one HE promised me.

So today, I ran another 12 miles. I was slower than yesterday, more tired than yesterday but again I ran smart.
After my runs I take my Juice Plus, I hydrate more, and I nap for recovery.
Some things have gone to the wayside.
My mother in law planted my flowers this week.
Lacey mopped my floors this week.
We had some lovely meals given to us this week.

And I am SOO grateful. My running is part of my therapy.
"Everybody feels negative emotions once in a while but these emotions have a stronger effect on your health than you may realize. Every time you think about regrets, experience resentment or replay bad memories in your head, your body suffers just as much as your mind. That's why harboring negative emotions can lead to devastating long term disease." An article Rachel sent me from The Daily Health Post. 


As my third round of Chemo creeps up on me, I try to enjoy every day to it fullest. I am on my knees, humbled by so much love and support.

If I could just express one thing it would be to live each day to it fullest. Let that negativity go because it really will eat away at you.

Anita~