I dreaded waking up today. With a guttural passion.
Three years ago...
"Anita, what are you going to do today?" Andy was trying to be positive.
"Hmm, I don't know, I think I will drive to Florida this morning." I said smirking.
Helping me make the bed he replied "I don't think you will get to Florida, its a 24 hour drive."
Not defeated yet and without a pause "Well then maybe I will run there, I will run to Ohio."
"Ahh, Nope, don't think you will make it there either."
I wasn't giving up "Fine, will run to Detroit.... I will just run all day, Yep, that's what I am going to do."
You REALLY wanna know what I wanted to do?? Let me introduce you to the dark ugly Anita. The dark place I fight desperately. If you like the Anita you think you know, you may not want to read any farther.
I wanted a bottle of pills and a fifth of Vodka. I wanted to stumble through the house in misery. I wanted to cut myself in grief. I wanted to turn off all the phones and stick my middle finger up at the world! I wanted to Punch someone in the face, Yeah I know, Real Christ like. Whatever. Judge me. Some of those who claim to love me already have.
I wanted to SCREAM "GOD THIS IS NOT FAIR, I WANT ARIEL BACK, PLEASE."
Profanities flooded my mind as I pulled myself out of the covers. After Andy left I curled back into myself.
This is the ugly truth. All the things I should probably not share. All the darkness I fight to keep hidden.
Angry and sick I left the house. I am going to run all stinking day, I consulted with myself.
I got into my big Dodge Ram and peeled out of the road.
I hit the ramp at 75' and E Holly road and was already at 80 miles an hour before I entered I75.
I even found myself mad at Bordines where I picked out a beautiful Purple mum for her. I DONT WANT A MUM. I want something big, something bright, something amazing like her, stupid Bordines.
At her grave, I thought I was going to throw up. "Why am I here? THIS is not where you are, If you were here I would be here all the time." Still Angry with tears streaming down my face I left there.
"Your in my heart, that's where you are and my heart is broken and this doesn't make sense."
I needed to consult with myself. I needed to calm down. I needed to get control.
Just run. I needed God. I needed to beg him to forgive me. To strengthen me. To take this stony heart out. To soften me, hold me, understand me.
Life doesn't make sense. God takes people from us and gives people to us. It is all His plan. It hurts. Independence Oaks was beautiful. Just like Ariel. This is where she would want me. I reminisced about the hikes I took her on. I even laughed at the memories of her getting all dolled up to go for a hike. The weather was identical to that time 3 years ago.
|How did I end up here again?|
The more I ran the more I could feel my anger melting. I kept getting lost. I found myself cracking up looking at the map like I would do with her, pretending I knew EXACTLY where I was going.
After staring at multiple maps and several Trails I decided to just RUN. I needed to get lost in my memories, in my thoughts and in my prayers.
My phone was going off, I went off the grid. I didn't need any distractions. I needed God to comfort me and strengthen me.
|Why Yes, I did Ted Gray, Lakeshore loop, The Habitat Trail and Spring Lake Loop|
October is my hardest month. My mother was hospitalized in October from an overdose. She never came to. My Grandma, my rock died in October and just this week I lost a cousin to cancer.
After over 10 miles and an afternoon of running, I had over 15 missed messages. I cried seeing so many people checking on me. It was time to get it together. It was time to be a light. Come out of the Darkness and be who God intended me to be.
The song OCEANS came on as was heading in. I deliberately didn't listen to any songs that I would cry from. How did this song sneak in? It wasn't even on my playlist?!
I Laughed. I Cried, wiped my tears and I got in my truck like a responsible driver.
Andy asked about my day on his way home from work. "Anita, why were you so ANGRY?
"I don't know." I replied honestly.
Then Andy said one of the deepest things I have heard from him. "I think Anger is your comfort place."
I will save that thought for my next run!