"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? ... So use every part of your body to give glory back to God..." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Monday, September 16, 2013

When even running doesnt help.

This morning I crawled out of bed. I just wasn't feeling the motivation to move today. I followed Andy downstairs to get coffee.  There was 1 KCUP left that was not flavored. Andy generously let me have it. With my eyes still half shut I pushed the button to the Keirig and waited. Andy sweetly complimented me, giving me a little kiss and heading off to work.
I stood there looking at the coffee streaming out. "I just want to go back to bed." I rehearsed several times.
I had 20 miles to run today, however I had already established that was just NOT part of todays agenda.
I was going back to bed. It was one of those morning I couldn't get it together. This rarely happens but when it does it is ugly.
I am not superhuman.
I am just an ordinary person that struggles like everyone else.

I tried to crawl back in bed after I dropped the boys off at each of their schools. I actually laid there and played a couple games of Word with Friends.
But I had so much to do. It was nagging at me.
Today was Alecs "Picture Day" and he forgot the money so I had to run up to the school to drop that off.
Poor Alec while we were at the beach in Hilton Head got stung pretty bad by a jelly fish. The area surrounding his burn has multiplied in size and looks terrible so I had to make him a appointment first thing this morning in hopes he could get in today.
But I just wanted to throw in the towel and do nothing. I didn't want to be responsible or any task that came along with being a big girl.
Struggling to put my body and mind into drive I convinced myself maybe I could lay down later.

After getting my errands done I headed out for my run. 20 miles was exchanged for 10 miles.

I got through the first 4 miles with ease. But somewhere down N.Holly road I felt as if someone had hit me from behind. The wind was knocked out of me. I suddenly could not even breath. I was being pummeled over by an emotional 2 by 4. The flood gates opened. My knees began to buckle and I couldn't see where I was going. "God I miss Ariel so so bad."
There is not a day that goes by I don't think about her, But today the pain is almost unbearable.
I couldn't breathe. My legs were sloppy, tripping over themselves. I cried and cried. My stomach was nauseas from swallowing snot and not breathing right. I could see her beautiful smile right there at the crest of my mind. I begged God to just let her visit me. Could she just touch me. Could she hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be alright?? Please God.
It hurts so damn much. I am sorry for my words but it just does.
I could hear Andys words a few days ago." Anita, do you miss Ariel?" I had to look away and breath, afraid if I let my emotions out I wouldn't recover.
Yes, Dear God I miss her.
I know she is in a better place But I am not.

I guess it is just going to be like this today. I didn't run the heartache away. Things are not any better than they were before I started. Usually I can run it out of me. Not today.
It hurts so bad that running can't even fix it.



  1. Praying for you Nita. Love you so very much.

    1. Thank you Michelle. Rough day. I love you too Michelle. Thank you for taking the time to love on me.

  2. Tears with you....You are right, running can't fix it. God can. He is with you through it all! Isaiah 43:2 Dear God, please send The Comforter to comfort Anita. Wrap your loving arms around her; help her to grieve, protect her during her grief. Thank you that she knew Ariel, and had her in her life. I pray that you would help all of us with grief and help us to deal with it appropriately. In Jesus's strong and mighty name, AMEN!

    1. Karla, You are right, only God can fix it. It is so hard. Somedays I feel his healing power and almost resent it. Then there are days like today that the hurt is so heavy that I need Him to help me. I even try to find gratitude in the gift of having Ariel for the time I did but then I get selfish and want more. I find myself mad even knowing she is in a better place. It is all so confusing. Today was one of those days I honestly thought I could bargain with God. I felt so close to him and at the same time I couldn't find him. But I know HE is close to me by your boldness to share comfort to me. Thank you for your encouragement and comfort.. Gal.6.2

  3. Thank you for sharing Anita. Someday all our questions will be answered. But for now I pray you feel God's comforting presence....He Is Good

    1. Dear ANonymous, I can feel the Holy spirit wrapping love and comfort all around me. And even that is difficult because I am so blessed and know he is there and yet in my pain I want to even push that love away. I am so thankful the Lord does not quit pulling me.
      I am also thankful for the encouragement of others like yourself. I believe that God speaks through others and uses them to be that still small voice that I need. Thank you for taking the time to share with me and be a comforter to me.