This morning I crawled out of bed. I just wasn't feeling the motivation to move today. I followed Andy downstairs to get coffee. There was 1 KCUP left that was not flavored. Andy generously let me have it. With my eyes still half shut I pushed the button to the Keirig and waited. Andy sweetly complimented me, giving me a little kiss and heading off to work.
I stood there looking at the coffee streaming out. "I just want to go back to bed." I rehearsed several times.
I had 20 miles to run today, however I had already established that was just NOT part of todays agenda.
I was going back to bed. It was one of those morning I couldn't get it together. This rarely happens but when it does it is ugly.
I am not superhuman.
I am just an ordinary person that struggles like everyone else.
I tried to crawl back in bed after I dropped the boys off at each of their schools. I actually laid there and played a couple games of Word with Friends.
But I had so much to do. It was nagging at me.
Today was Alecs "Picture Day" and he forgot the money so I had to run up to the school to drop that off.
Poor Alec while we were at the beach in Hilton Head got stung pretty bad by a jelly fish. The area surrounding his burn has multiplied in size and looks terrible so I had to make him a appointment first thing this morning in hopes he could get in today.
But I just wanted to throw in the towel and do nothing. I didn't want to be responsible or any task that came along with being a big girl.
Struggling to put my body and mind into drive I convinced myself maybe I could lay down later.
After getting my errands done I headed out for my run. 20 miles was exchanged for 10 miles.
I got through the first 4 miles with ease. But somewhere down N.Holly road I felt as if someone had hit me from behind. The wind was knocked out of me. I suddenly could not even breath. I was being pummeled over by an emotional 2 by 4. The flood gates opened. My knees began to buckle and I couldn't see where I was going. "God I miss Ariel so so bad."
There is not a day that goes by I don't think about her, But today the pain is almost unbearable.
I couldn't breathe. My legs were sloppy, tripping over themselves. I cried and cried. My stomach was nauseas from swallowing snot and not breathing right. I could see her beautiful smile right there at the crest of my mind. I begged God to just let her visit me. Could she just touch me. Could she hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be alright?? Please God.
It hurts so damn much. I am sorry for my words but it just does.
I could hear Andys words a few days ago." Anita, do you miss Ariel?" I had to look away and breath, afraid if I let my emotions out I wouldn't recover.
Yes, Dear God I miss her.
I know she is in a better place But I am not.
I guess it is just going to be like this today. I didn't run the heartache away. Things are not any better than they were before I started. Usually I can run it out of me. Not today.
It hurts so bad that running can't even fix it.