When things do not go the way we planned...
Gal 6:9” And let us not be weary in well doing for in due season we shall reap if we faint not.”
From the moment Alec was able to sit up I put him in some contraption to take outside with me. From walking to biking he was riding along in a conventional or recreational stroller.
I couldn't make it to the gym but I could pack up the boys and head outside. The boys loved being outside with me.
From being a gym rat, to classes, boxing or biking I have always used exercise as my therapy. To prideful to actually see a professional this form of purging and peeling seemed to work just fine.
It was the summer of 2004. Alec would be turning 3 this summer and Austin would be 6. I no longer had a stroller that would fit both kids and I could not afford a double jogger. I wanted to be outside.
I had no one to watch the boys. The odds seemed stacked against me. No tools to allow me to exercise. I had no way to seek physical counsel. No release. My marriage was crumbling, my head was exploding and I had no way to sift through all the emotions that were raging inside me. I was burdened by failures, mistakes, guilt and confusion. I had no outlet. I shared with no one.
One day I just had to come up with something. The wagon. My boys Little Tykes Wagon. I opened the doors to this heavy duty plastic vehicle and piled the boys into it. Without much looking back I moved forward pulling those boys till my lungs were gasping for air. I would stop briefly and go again. I felt the demons that had been haunting me back down. I saw the fog lift with every step forward. Problem solving became part of the pavement. The more I ran, the more I felt equipped to deal with those hang ups that tortured me.
And so something beautiful was birthed. Alec and Austin loved going for a wagon ride. I pulled that wagon one mile at a time. Slow and steady. People began to recognize me. I would come around that familiar corner and see people pointing at me" Hey, That's the girl." They would say as I waved with my free hand towards them. Feeling the warm air and hearing my breath became a new love of mine.
I started mapping out the miles I was going to run. My arms would go numb and I would have to switch the handle of the wagon quite frequently but there was no other option.
This was the summer I heard of The CRIM. I heard there was a 5k and a 10miler. The 10 miler was not an option but the 5k seemed like a goal I could achieve.
With something to work toward I felt purpose. I had a destination to work for. And work I did. The boys sat in the wagon and I ran pulling that them one mile at a time. I would stop to breath every few mailboxes then run and continue to pull that wagon over 3 miles straight. From 3 miles to 5 miles. I had fallen in love.
The beginning of August came and I began thinking I may actually be able to run the 10 miler. I was now up to about 8 miles. I really believed I could do this CRIM thing. So I signed up to do the 10 miler.
I would run down Grange Hall road now. Once a week I would do a run alone and go farther. My lungs were struggling. The race was the last weekend of the month. The heat was intense, I had a difficult time breathing. There were even times my head would hurt and my nose would run. But no one gets sick in August so I ignore it.
3 days before my FIRST race ever. I am now not only having issues breathing but now I am coughing. And coughing a lot. I am not going to the doctors. I have ran 9 miles and know I can do this.
Mom and dad showed up at 6:30 am on race morning. It was pouring outside. I was so discouraged to see the weather conditions. I had not slept at all that night and it was not because of nerves. I had been up coughing all night. I could not catch my breath or breath deeply with out a full blown attack. My lungs had turned on me, my body was against me but Against the Odds I got into that car after begging them to take me.
We got a mere 10 miles..similar to the distance I was to run that morning when defeat was inevitable. I was hot and shaky. My lungs were heavy and wet.
We turned the car around and I cried all the way home. Defeated. Discouraged. I wanted this so bad. I did everything right. What Happened? This was not HOW I PLANNED It?? Why?? Why??
I spent 3 days in the hospital. I had pneumonia, my left lung collapsed.This was the end of my beginning.
I was not throwing in the towel that fast there was always 2005, right?!
No more wagon.Only when desperate I would pull Alec and Austin would now ride his bike. This of course was extreme purposes.
I felt more confident this year. I KNEW I could do this. About a month before the Crim I started getting belly issues. Of course I do what I do best. I IGNORE THEM.
I chalk it up to be bowel issues. I even take laxatives to try and self diagnose myself. Right before I go for a run I take a little pill only to find myself stopping every mile on the road squeezing and wiping sweat off my face. Running home looking for a secluded ditch and a clean leaf was not what I thought I would be experiencing that soon after that little pill went down.
Needless to say the problem was way bigger than constipation. I found myself 2 1/2 half weeks before my debut at The Crim in the Emergency room. After a series of inconclusive tests they try one last test and call me an ambulance saying they were rushing me to St. Josephs hospital for emergency surgery.
I was going in for a appendectomy.
Again this IS NOT WHAT I PLANNED. This is not the way things should have gone. 2 years in a row??!!
I found myself like a spoiled little girl not getting what she wants and I start bawling. Questioning my running, questioning God and feeling like my mind was just a huge punctuation mark.
I wanted this miraculous healing. The Dr's said they didn't think it was a good idea to run. They recommended that I didn't. But with race day fast approaching I was feeling better everyday. Although I had not gotten to 10 miles in my training I felt confident I could do it.
I had my incision drained the week before the CRIM and again my Dr was against me running this race.
But when race day came I laced up my shoes, prayed with my family and we all got into the car and headed into Flint.p
1:32:31. I DID it. My First Crim.
This was my reading today....Exodus chapter 5..So applicable for this entry..!!
WHEN THINGS DO NOT GO AS YOU PLANNED!!!!
Exodus 5:22 Moses returned to Yahweh, and said, "Lord, why have you brought trouble on this people? Why is it that you have sent me? 5:23 For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble on this people; neither have you delivered your people at all."
Moses obeyed God but not without debate and fear. He has done what God has asked and the outcome is not the way it was planned in his mind. It is much worse. Moses feels defeated and confused.So many times I too have gone to God and prayed and sought his vision. I have thought I was doing everything right. I have read his words and memorized Gods truths and yet the outcome is not the way I thought the occasion was going to be. But As the verse above states. Do not give up. Continue doing the right thing because it is right to do right. Even if you collapse in the process of doing right, it is still better. Gods timing is perfect. He will bless you in his timing. Like Moses,when things do not go the way we think, it is Gods Handiwork and timetable.
Top 5 Favorites.
*Had a massage today to prepare me for my run.
*Did a easy 6 miles.
*Enjoyed the lady at target saying,"You have happy boys."
*Best bowl of Oatmeal this morning
* Reading time with Alec this morning.