I couldn't find my happy place, coffee didn't even comfort me.
Day three of my slumber.
I left the house in a hurry from doing nothing of importance.
I don't even remember the drive to maw maws.
The Pit is a dark place. It welcomes you, even comforts you in your miserable state. It tricks you, making you never want to leave.
I should have took better care of myself before I arrived at maw maws. In her southern accent "Lord, well look at you..." I knew I felt bad I guess I advertised to as well.
It was a good thing I came directly back home after cleaning maw maws house. I just about burnt my house down. I left the Cream of Wheat pan soaking on the stove, on. The house was filled with a deep fog and the pan was covered in black tar. My favorite pan, ruined.
My emotional status was void of any reaction. I just didn't have the zeal to even get mad at myself.
I just had a BIG FAT WHATEVER circulating in my head.
I knew what I had to do. I knew the best thing for me would be to run. But I just didn't want to do anything. I crawled onto my perfectly made bed. I laid in the fetal position broken.
I got up to pray and read Gods word. I found myself distracted. The words were interrupted with my mental dialogue. I kept going back over them. "God, please.. what is wrong with me?" "Am I that person they say I am..."
I walked back to the bedroom only to find myself back in bed snuggled with Sheba. I closed my eyes. "I should take a nap, I haven't been sleeping...I don't need to RUN today.."
"I Therefore so I run, not as uncertainly, so fight I, not as one that beateth the air." 1Cor 9:26If I told you that the best thing for you to do when struggling with unbalanced emotions would be to go for a run, WOULD YOU GO?"
"Anita, I see you are letting other people define you, I see that you have let it rent a lot of space in your head. You have eaten excessive calories, had little sleep, withheld countless smiles and are emotionally confused."
"Well, if you have prayed, sought the Lord, I would recommend you to RUN. You need a strong 6-8 mile run. Purge your emotions through sweat and speed."
My eyes were closed as I reached for the throw blanket to cover up in. As I leaned forward, I jumped out of bed.
Within 20 minutes, I was changed, stretched, rolled and turning onto E. Holly road.
I knew that a certain amount of Serotonin is released but is always balanced perfectly with my running. But when struggling with sadness, depression or emotions that put you in the pit you release MORE..when you are struggling emotionally you NEED TO release that of it will make you never want to crawl out of bed.
RUNNING was what I needed.
Just a nice moderate run. 7 miles. My first mile was just over 9 minutes. "Ok Seriously, you can go a little faster than that."
My mind began to spin. I took my layers off so I could feel the sun on my bare arms. My legs cooperated with my mind.
I knew I had so much garbage in my head. "Dear God..." I prayed. I took the hilliest route I knew. I dove up those hills. Make it hurt, its gotta hurt, I needed to be depleted, void of all comfort."
I knew the best way to hear God was in my depravity. I wanted to be so empty that only GOD himself could put me back together.
My miles kept getting faster, my weakened body actually felt stronger than it had a days.
Then I saw that last hill to my house. I looked at my watch 7:30min/mi. "Anita, Your going to sprint up that hill, your going to run that till you puke or die trying."
I looked at that hill and thought of this Hill in life that I am deeply struggling with. I whispered softly "You gotta get over it."
I couldn't let this hill in my life own me, define me, confine me, destroy me. I couldn't let it steal my joy, rob me of smiling, laughing or living life the way God created me. I HAD TO GET OVER IT.
And it was going to HURT.
My throat clogged up, my eyes began to sting, my breathing labored, I wasn't going to let go. The painful illustration of that hill reminded me I was not born for others to tell me WHO I AM. I was Born FOR GOD to tell me who I AM.
People may think they "KNOW my real Heart." But I only know 1 GOD who knows my heart. He isn't human.
I laughed in sweet misery tackling that final incline.
"I'm gonna be OK, I'm gonna be OK.." I said to myself with full assurance.
I am going through some struggles right now. Life isn't full of butterflies and rainbows. I am working on it, Life is tough. Some days are better than others. Its a journey not a destination.
I try to be tough, swallow down the crybaby tears, puff up my chest, and pull up my bootstraps. I even try to take the GIRL out of it and just "MAN UP"! But the bottom line is some days are just a emotional cocktail. Do GUYS EVER struggle with this?? Is there any guys that could admit they struggle??