Then the voices begin to argue. Slowing down was NOT in the plan. Quitting was not in the plan. Or compromising my run in any form was not an option, although, the voices seem to be really convincing.
"Just Maintain" I tell myself. I wasn't going very far today. Only about 3 miles. It was some of the hardest miles that I had run though.
Today, was the 2 year anniversary date of Ariel. Running was exactly what I needed to do.
Only at mile 2 "Arms of an Angel" came on again. This song sucks the life out of me. I went to turn the song off, only to find myself replaying it over again.
This is what I came out here for. I needed to just feel it. I needed to "Just Maintain."
I ran and cried. "..Out of the wreckage...". Those words, I could see them pulling Ariel out of her vehicle. So beautiful she was, So broken I was running down E. Maple street.
There are moments in my runs when I hurt so bad that I tell myself to "Stay Inside Myself." This means maintain, hold on, control yourself. It means that I want to fall apart, I want to collapse, I want to heave over in guttural breaths. My voice wants to cry out, my face wants to grimace, my arms want to wail and my body wants to change plans. This is that place that I want to come out of my skin. I want to unleash the weakness and let that dictate me.
"Stay Inside Yourself, Anita" This is where I say to myself to stay in control of not just my actions but my emotions, my thoughts, my plans. I don't have to kick it up, the training here is to be disciplined enough to stay in control of myself and not let my pain control me.
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7
Today, as I ran I felt both the pain of running and the pains of grief. That last half mile I wiped my tears off my cheek. "Ok, Nita, Stay inside yourself, Maintain all the way home." I coached myself back in the game. I didn't deny the pain. I accepted it. I chose to move through it. The pain wasn't going to stop me. The pain wasn't going to hold me down. I was going to run in my pain. I was going to be strong enough to maintain. I was going to stay strong enough to STAY INSIDE MYSELF. I didn't need to prove anything to myself. I didn't need to go harder, or faster. I just needed to be in control of myself in that place. The real Training was Maintaining.
The Lesson of Forgiveness:
I work with the youth on Sunday nights. This was our lesson. At 40 years old, I have found that FORGIVENESS is not a destination it is a journey. It is a process. We have all had someone wrong us. Someone hurt us. Someone fail us. There are people in our life that we have hoped would support us or love us, accept us and so forth. The disappointment and disillusionment leaves us bitter and hurt. Those high school girls had tears of deep pain. It was so awful to see how the world had already failed them, hurt them and broke them in such a short period of time.
How do you tell these young girls to forgive when it has taken you years to forgive others, yourself. When the pains you have dealt with are so ugly that you have never shared it with one soul....
With Love. Your teach them forgiveness is a process. But the only way to forgive is to slowly start. Just like most great lessons they come back to running. Forgiveness is not about the swift or the fast, it is your journey to do at whatever pace you decide. Just Begin.
"THE SECRET TO FORGIVNG EVERYTHING IS TO UNDERSTAND NOTHING."
Special love to those who came out to church today in honor of Ariel. She would have been so happy to see Amanda, Taylor, Joan, Mo, Rebecca out there. She would have loved to see Nelly and Brad come out with us to honor and remember her together.
I was so blessed by my friends that thought of me the last couple days. Ali, Brttani B, Amy C. Terri W and the others. I don't have a lot of family but I have some incredible friends that are so loving and supportive.
I can feel God healing through the love and support and comfort of those that took the time to share a sweet message or text to me. God heals. God hears the Brokenhearted.
I am so grateful.