I walked into the gym in my oversized running pants and oversized sweatshirt. A day no different then another.
The locker room smelled like perfume and hairspray.
I walked back to my usual locker space with my head down. I am such a creature of habit. I like the lockers in the back, away from most and close to the cold plunge. As much as I like people, I also like to be alone. No eye contact, no chit chat. get in, get out.
As I dumped my purple duffle bag on the bench I was taken back my one of the lockers. The air was sucked from my lungs as I read "R.I.P. 10/19/14." I looked at her photo, her age and couldn't help but stare. I knew this woman. I always see her because I locker by her.
Be Careful how you JUDGE:
I would see this woman all the time. She was strong and solid. She was beautiful, in her 50's. But she never smiled back at me. I would think, "Why is she crabby?" "Why can't she squeak a smile back at me?"
Isn't this what we do? We don't like others to call us judgmental yet me are. We make an assumption based on a look, a remark, a assumption....
She had cancer, Myeloma. "Oh God, Forgive me." I felt awful. She didn't need to smile. Maybe she felt like she didn't have a reason to smile. Maybe she just physically couldn't smile. Who knows, who cares.
This is what we do. We are so quick to judge. Oh OK..Maybe you are reading this saying "NOT ME" Well, well then I guess you can quit reading and teach me a few things.
Other side of the coin:
I have actually had a couple people tell me that I am being "judgmental". You loved them so much but they were pulling a bonehead move. I loved them so much I wanted to prevent the pain that they were going to feel from the choices they were going to make. But what I realized so quickly from their comment was that THEY in fact were judging me!
People who judge, conclude or have opinions usually aren't even aware that they're judging. They just think they're "right" and most of us are taught that having the right answer makes us brilliant (often times only in our own eyes) . See we all really judge. We are often on one side of the coin.
If I judge someone for judging me because they don't have all the information, I'm being just as judgmental as they are...and there's no freedom in judgement...freedom lives in curiosity and wonder.
Are you willing to walk in someone else's footsteps? Are you strong enough to overcome the pains that they are carrying?
Today, was a tough lesson.
Today, as I saw that lady, I saw the most beautiful smile looking back at me. I was convicted. I felt horrible.
I beat the crap out of myself in guilt. I ran a mile and found myself at the punching bag. I took my socks and shoes off and just started laying out roundhouses. Bare knucked I punched the bag till I was out of breath. My heart was pounding through my chest. Shoeless and not wanting to feel anything but punishment I ran around the track finding myself back at the bag. ROUND 2.....Round 3
20 minutes later I put on my socks and ran out 2 more miles. Bring it down Anita.
I am very transparent. I have been burnt for my honesty. Writing for me helps me filter my thoughts. This is me just being honest with my faults. I am a work in progress. I hope you can hear my heart.