Moving Forward. I little peice of me.

A few days ago, Andy and I went for a run. Finishing our run we added a easy recovery walk around the block. To my right stood a two story rundown house. The house was white, with paint chipping, broken windows and no front door.
In the front yard, sat a young boy playing alone in the patchy grass. He had dark disheveled hair, he had olive skin and sadness around his eyes. He never looked up from his toy cars he was playing with them. Behind him, the doorway to the house showed a picture of his life.
It was  a mess.
There were dirty clothes and boxes covering the carpet. It was dark and the smell of mildew spewed from the old house. There layed broken furniture and junk two feet high on all sides with a tiny path to get from one side to the other.
As we slowly walked by, Andy looks at me and says "That poor boy doesn't stand a chance."
My heart was crushed. I felt so burdened for him. I wanted to run back to him, pick him up and tell him he was amazing.
Andy continued "You know who's house that is right?"
It took me a minute but Andy answered for me, "That is the house we hear all the swearing and fighting at."
There is a house behind us to the left. You can not see any grass. The house looks like it is going to fall down. The back yard must have 20 bikes in it along with garbage piled on all corners of the outside of house.
Usually later in the day you will hear terrible screaming. Cuss words that make you grab your ears or your children's. The old man slaps his wife around and I am pretty sure she is returning the jabs. He is usually pretty drunk. The cops have been there multiple times to break up the domestic fights.
Here in the dirt sat this dark haired dark eyed boy who hardly stood a chance.

I turned around and looked back at the old house. I remembered a couple old houses like that. I remembered living on Seneca St in Pontiac. Or the old blue house on Johnson street in Pontiac. They were never dirty but they were old. They smelled like stale liquor. The carpet was old and musty. I remember the cockroaches running across the kitchen counters. I remember my moms old boyfriend, God I hated him. Tom Lambert, Oh I wish I could not remember.

Looking back at that house I thanked God. I was that kid who didn't stand a chance.
 I sat as a child with dirty fingernails playing for hours alone in the back yard. My dark tousled  hair would cross over my face covering my dark eyes.
I didn't know any other life. On all corners, everyone lived the same. You woke up to empty beer cans covering the counters. The ashtrays all had cigarette butts and "roaches" in them. The ZigZag papers and left over seeds sat on the burnt coffee table on a dirty paper plate.
The memories flooded my mind.

I am 40 years old now. My heart has mended but sadness shows up in my memories.

I have had to fight very hard to overcome my past. I am so thankful God showed me grace and mercy. You have a choice. You can either seek God or try to do it on your own.
Like me looking at that little boy, Our Heavenly Father looked at me. He was always carrying me, in the good times and the bad. I had a choice I could either grasp His Love for me or Not. God placed instrumental people in my life to help guide me and protect me.

My Big Brother, Bobby

Little sister, Gina

Today, I close a new chapter in my life. We are closing on our house. It is a smaller home with a bigger yard. We are so very excited.
I have never had anything given to me. I have worked so hard to overcome my past and the generational dysfunction.
I have no immediate family left. My brother and sister live in Florida. I was reminded again this week about Gods provision.
I am so thankful for my small family. There is nothing my brother or sister wouldn't do for me. We grew up in a place we didn't stand a chance. We made it out by the Grace of God.
Over 20 years later, miles between us there is a bond that can not be broken. We do not talk about our past very often.
My sister has blocked most of it out and my brother suppresses it. "Bobby" can look at me and I can see it, our bond. I can see that big brother that tried to protect me. Even today, he would do anything for me.
Moving forward with Enthusiasm. Looking back with Gratitude. And Always remembering where I came from with humility.

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

 

Anita