Today was a pretty good day. I felt like you were sitting on my shoulder all day. Everything I did, Every place I went You were there. Even though I know you are not here and I know you can not read this it is a form of remembrance. I know it is more me -it is my form of memorializing you.
This morning I got the boys off to school. We had a good morning. Do you remember those.."Good mornings" with your girls?
I have been running with some friends on Thursday. Mom, one of them is a girl I graduated with almost 20 years ago! You didn't know her, but you would have liked her. "Danielle" and I ran this morning and it was so peaceful. We ran with ease, we just relaxed our legs and minds and ran. It was 26 degrees ..brr..you never would have came out in it. I thought for a minute "I must be nuts".Funny thing today mom. I spent almost the whole day with Andy's mom. This is not a normal event for us. I am very close to her but we do not usually go shopping together. Neither one of us are big shoppers. Andy's Mom, she is so good to me, even when I am being a brat. I just do not want to mess this one up mom. I really flubbed things up with you. A lot of regrets. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. I know that the things we take for granted we will loose. Because I lost you.
It still haunts me almost 20 years later.Today you left me.
You would be so happy to see how good she is to me.I really try to make her happy. The way she makes me happy. Sometimes I wonder why she loves me as much as she does. I mean I am not her daughter, she didn't give birth to me, she didn't raise me or grow that intimate bond with me...so why does she choose to love me the way she does..the way you would love me mom???
God fulfilled my loss of you today, with her, (Andy's mom). I miss you and nothing can replace you, but God supplied Andy's mom to nurse me and care for me today~ To help me with the last visions of you in that hospital bed that still haunt me. I don't think I will ever recover from seeing you like that for so long. So frail and defeated in the hospital bed. I know why 20 years later I still struggle. Not saying goodbye, not understanding, there was no closure. I do not know if I will ever be able to recover fully from the nightmare of your death and the circumstances that surrounded it. But I do know..God didn't leave me alone, motherless..hopeless or abandoned..He gave me her...
Tears still stain my cheeks, my heart still hurts, you face is before me, your words echo in my mind. I love you..Anita Maria