More than a smile.

"The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses- behind the lines, in they gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights." Muhammad Ali

A smile doesn't really say the whole story...

I rushed out of work Saturday in the middle of a down pour. Running outside was not an option.

This is taper week for my race weekend, "No Wimps".
Saturday: Half Marathon
Sunday: 50k.

I don't need BIG miles, I just need some miles.
I found myself on the TM at the gym. I didn't have any real plans. Honestly, my mind was racing.
I LOVE running. I had so many running thoughts on my mind.
SO many "What if's" circulating in my little pea brain. I am always amazed at how much chatter my Smurf size brain can hold.

I found myself scared, frustrated and even angry at how my running this summer was looking.
I have a few obstacles that are seizing my running.

I have a lot of unknowns.
What I do know forced me to put myself on the treadmill and put myself in the pain locker. My thought was to try to endure as much pain. I need to know what pain feels like. I need to be reminded of what it truly feels to suffer and endure.
I thought:
"How much Pain can I suffer through?"
"How long can I endure Pain?"
"As I strong enough?"
"Is it ok to be scared, God I am so scared.."

The fear of the "UNKNOWN" can really be daunting.
I just kept turning my speed up. I was still able to smile, I needed to feel pain. I needed my body to throb, to burn, I needed to get to the end of myself. I needed to record the pain, to remember the pain.
To not forget that pain.

Sadly, time ran out. I only had 4.20 miles in.
I am going to have to know what pain feels like longer than 32 minutes.

Everything we do is training is for something.

The race photos come in and the SMILE beams. It doesn't show the work, the sweat, the tears you put into it.
And some photos do. Some photos do show our agony and transparency of grit.
But the real suffering was developed for weeks leading up to that epic race.

It doesn't show the emotional fears, concerns or anxiety we have hidden in our dark places.
There is so much Mental involved.
We forget to train with our head and our heart. It is equally as important to train our mind. To have control over our thoughts, to be disciplined in our thoughts.

On the TM, Andy was running next to me, I heard him say something. When I looked over at him he was teasing me.  Mocking my facial structure. I was so intense with keeping my mind strong I didn't realize how extreme I was.
I was SOOO damn ANGRY. ANGRY at my future. Angry at how much harder I have to work for so much I don't know.
Keep Training.
With Everything I have, Every breath, every beat of my heart...I will just keep training.


Anita.