The Taper Blues

"Andy, Do you ever feel ineffective? Defective? Broken? Like you were created as a mistake?"
He laughed at me.
"Yeah, like all the time I have to talk to people, my skin curls."
My poor husband is a painful introvert that works every day doing the very thing he struggles with, people.

Me...I don't struggle with people, quite the opposite. I LOVE people.
But that's not my struggle. My struggle is ME.

"Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul" Job 7:11

I wish I could blame it on being Monday. But my day was a SH*!! show. The best part of my day was a quick coffee with Paula and Matt and going to the gynecologist. Yeah, seriously, you know your day was a bomb when having your feet in stir ups and being professionally violated was a good point of your day. UGH.

I had an entire day of tears just waiting for one slip up to drown me. My heart was double beating, I could literally feel it in my chest.
The thing is I had multiple slip ups. So many "Typical Anita" moments. I had worked so hard to stay organized for this race. I have made lists, notes and really thought I was prepared. And I still messed up ROYALLY. I wanted to punch myself in the face.

I was overwhelmed from the beginning of the day. I plastered a smile on my face and pulled up my boot straps like I normally do.
I just couldn't get it right today. The chatter in my ears was deafening. I could hear myself surrendering to defeat. I questioned myself.
"What is the Point?"
"Does it even matter?"
It was like doing a long run on tired legs, as soon as I mentally tripped the first time I found myself stumbling harder and more frequently.
All my passions were questioned. All my abilities were weakened. My mere existence was a BIG question mark.
"Andy, Do you ever just have days you don't like yourself and you can't figure out how to change who you are?"
Andy very rarely hears this dialogue from me. He laughs at me. It is an endearing laugh. He just knows I have to battle it out. No one can help me.
That's another problem with me. I am usually good, But when I struggle I go down hard.

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble." 

Helen Keller

I wish I could say that I am all better. I will be better. Tomorrow is a new day.
I am grateful for today, even in its suckiest moments I had genuine smiles.
When I struggle I try to remember what I am grateful for..
For good friends. I had a couple text messages from friends encouraging me for this weekend. They really took me off guard. In my insignificant state, it was as if God empowered they special ladies to text me and tell me different.
I am grateful for good health. At the Dr's I was reminded of how healthy I was. At 43 years old my father was a terrible diabetic and alcoholic. My mother had already had breast cancer, a horrific debilitating brain tumor, was a full blown alcoholic and a addicted to prescription pills before pill popping was even popular. And as I sat with just a gown on getting awkwardly examined I was reminded of my good health. I am very grateful.
I am grateful for another pound. I gained another pound! I was very excited. It is important for me to gain weight before this ultra. It is going to take a lot out of me.
I am grateful for a good run. It was low miles today. 5 flat miles. My legs felt great. I had to keep scaling it back reminding myself I was TAPERING.


I am not sure if this week is going to get any better. I will just keep smiling, praying and moving forward.
I could really use some prayers. I hate these feelings. I am not good with them.

Anita