A man was facing in our direction with a black and bright yellow shirt. It appeared to be a tech shirt. The black shirt was colored in yellow swirls. The yellow design with the contrast against the black was shocking, even mesmerizing. Mom pointed to the shirt and said "His shirt is making me dizzy."
I couldn't stop staring at it. I was so distracted, confused, almost ensnared by the pattern on his shirt.
Even though it left me dizzy, I couldn't stop gazing into it.
This week I got some upsetting news I am not going to discuss. But it reminded me of this shirt.
Saturday I tried to work, but I was so distracted. I was upset, baffled, completely thrown off balance.
I had a client I asked 3 times what she was doing over the weekend. I couldn't tell you what she said. The third time, I knew she knew I wasn't with the program.
I was ensnared by the news I had received. I couldn't get it out of my mind. Even though it made me sick, even though I was holding back the tears, it had a hold on me. I was distracted and dizzy with confusion.
I was so looking forward to seeing Lacey today. I needed her for more than running. I needed a friend to help remove this spell from me.
She is such a good friend. She is very good at illustrating all sides of the spectrum. It almost makes me dizzier. SO much more to think about. We ran for more about 2 hours, I can't say I felt a lot better. I even apologized for not being much for energy. Ultimately, I did feel better, I felt better than how really terrible I felt. I still felt terrible, just not AS terrible.
|Barn outside of Indian Springs|
"He gives power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increase in strength."
Indian Springs Metropark
Week 5 Glass City Marathon
|I forgot to shut off my watch after 13M. But I was STOKED at how good our Splits were, within 17 seconds!|
27' degrees out. I always over dress. I HATE being cold. Lacey did NOT want to run the back loop multiple times. It literally angered her the thought of going around and around. We ran every road through the park, she even had us running through the parking lot and playground.
I didn't want to run today. If it wasn't for Lacey, I wouldn't have. I was exhausted, I slept terrible and was haunted by a never ending nightmare.
We knocked out the first 5 miles without hardly realizing it. But the next 8 miles were a battle for me. My calves were tight and each mile, they were getting angrier. Just one mile at a time. I made it my job to try and focus on our pace. 9-9:15.
It didn't take the suck factor away. It was just one of those runs, But I couldn't have done it without Lacey. I wouldn't have.
|Week 5 Training Selfie|
A little piece of me
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
At times when I am hurt, confused or overwhelmed, I think of my mom in her addiction.
I want the hurt to go away in a instant. I don't want to feel the weight consuming me. I feel betrayed. I can't control my thoughts, my heart, my mind is complete chaos, all I want to do is be numb.
It is times like this I wish I could hold my mom and tell her how sorry I am for her suffering. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her she is amazing, she is beautiful, she is forgiven, she is LOVED. She is not the mistakes she made, she is not her yesterdays, she is not her pain.
I want what she took, what she was enslaved to BUT I know I can't. Peace does not come in a bottle or a Zig Zag wrapper, in a pill or in another person, Peace comes from The Lord, I have to feel every prick of pain. The only way to get through it is to get through it.
It hurts to hurt.
If you add confusion to the mix it is a horrible cocktail.
So I will do the little things, go for a run, PRAY, heat the kettle and make a warm cup of orange tea and honey.
Always remembering God has a plan for everything. I need to trust in HIM.