It took everything to just fall asleep. Words circulated in my head causing mayhem. I questioned "WHY?"
Why were these words spoken directly to me?
What were the intentions of them?
When I had first heard them I swallowed deeply trying not to cry. I was already extremely sensitive. My heart, all month has felt like a piece of china that was broken and tenderly glued back together.
Fragile, vulnerable.
And there the words sat. They manifested in my mind. They sunk their claws deep in my heart and I couldn't loosen the grip.
The words woke me at 4am. I tried to change my thoughts. I asked God to remove the words, to help me forget them. But they were like daggers and the wound was deep.
I have been in this seat many times. I have had words spoken to me that you wouldn't speak to a person you hate.
I was reminded that "Hurting People Hurt people." That is all fine but it is not a "Get out of Jail Free Card."
I have always relied on my Faith to bring me through verbal storms. But that does not mean you come out unscathed.
I was attacked several months ago, it was the worst lip lashing I have ever attended. But even when I left I had peace. I knew my Identity through Christ. And I knew I didn't have to argue or defend myself.
This is such a hard time of year. People are hurting in every direction.
It is not always easy to not go to every argument you are invited to.
It requires great discipline to not react to the hurtful comments. I am not always good at it.
But this time I was.
Setting up boundaries is very important. It protects yourself and it protects others from reactions you may not have control over.
But for me when praying and reading my devotional still left me hurting I knew I needed to RUN.
I am not going to lie. Running was not my first thought. I thought of my mother. All the voices that haunted her. I wanted to drink. I don't drink, not even a glass of wine because of my mother. But that's what I wanted. I want to get a fifth and a crawl back in bed. I want to be numb. I want to go away far far away. Everyone around me drinks when they get stressed. It is totally acceptable. You are a freak now if you DON'T drink.
That thought dissipated quickly. But the words did not.
And bad thoughts invite company. I was being infiltrated by words, thoughts, ideas that were breaking me.
If I could just get to the gym and run. I could be in my comfort zone.
By myself.
In my own world where no one could hurt me. Where I controlled my pain.
Before I started to run, I rolled and stretched. The only rollers left were the ones that look like a torture device. I grabbed it with the thought it was probably the one I should be using all along.
WOW! It hurt. But rather than give up, I kept rolling knowing eventually I wouldn't feel the pain. (I secretly wished this is how I felt about "the words that haunted me". I wished I could just get to the comfortably numb place.)
I wanted to run 10 miles. Marathon training has STARTED. And I know I have a lot of work to do.
RUNDOWN
Distance: 10 miles
Time: 1h 27min
Progressive run:
1. 9:32
2. 9:10
3. 8:57
4. 8:49
5. 8:48
6. 8:46
7. 8:33
8. 8:30
9. 8:18
10. 8:06
I Nailed IT. Now to start dropping times.
I got through the day as I usually do. I smiled, I laughed, and I carried on. I buried, I ignored and I hid my true feelings.
Life has got to move on or it will move right pass you. If you sit on the pity pot too long you will miss some wonderful moments.
Like the 30 minutes with a dear friend of mine who is going through a hard time. To share a cup of coffee, listen to her and be there for her outweighed anything I had going on. It was a sweet time.
As you are asking for little things for Christmas I thought I would share some of my favorites in my GYM BAG:
- Burts Bees Facial Cleansing Wipes
- Dove DrySpray
- Aquage Silkning Oil Hair
- Neutrogena Body Oil
What are you training for? What are some of your favorites?
AND BETTER YET..How do you not let words adhere to you?
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