My body or my mind gave me no sympathy for winter break.
Andy came to bed around midnight. I was sleeping great until that. I tossed and turned not able to turn my mind off. My legs twitched, my prayers felt unanswered and I laid there suffering.
I got up with Andy at 6:30am.
I cradled a cup of coffee between my hands and quietly snuck into the living room. With my fuzzy blanket and dim lit lights I curled up on the recliner trying to figure out what kept me up all night.
Self inventory. Always painful in my imperfect state.
I kissed Andy goodbye and went back to my place on the recliner.
I was really hoping Jeff was meeting me at Genesys. I needed accountability.
I sent him a text "Are you getting ready for the gym?"
Within seconds I got a reply " Nita- I am already here.....I couldn't wait to torture myself!"
I was up and literally running through the house getting ready. My bag was already packed and waiting for the 14 minute drive to Genesys.
I looked at my watch and I ran with my big gym bag across the parking lot. 7:32am.
"This is great." I told myself smiling. I was very pleased with my early start.
I looked across the massive gym floor looking for my little buddy. Jeff was holding my favorite treadmill for me. With his head down and his arms resting on the TM bars he didn't see me sneak up behind him. I startled him, breaking his stretching pose.
Jeff actually might be more chatty than even I am. He looked at the guy on his left and said something about me putting him through some sort of torture.
I gave my most innocent smile and said "Yeah right, your going to put the hurting on me!"
Jeff was running 4 miles, I was running 5 miles and both of us were on limited time.
I started out with a slow mile. Conversational pace, even a laughable pace, because that is what we were doing a lot of, laughing at both of our goofiness.
Playtime was ending fast. Jeff started pushing the speed button. I knew that meant I had to as well. When I reached mile 4, I was a half a mile ahead of him.
He punched the button again.
"JERKFACE, your killing me." I cried. I got tickled looking at Jeff knowing he was enjoying this.
He punched the button again.
"WHAT THE HECK! STOP!"
That was about all I said that last mile. I concentrated on my posture, my breathing, staying calm and increasing my pace the last couple laps.
The torture felt good. It was purging. Every annoyance, every burden, everything that was renting space in my head at that moment was buried. It was no where to be found and I wasn't going looking for it. I wanted more. More pain, more sweat, more torture. I loved the fact that I was IN CONTROL of the torture that I inflicted on myself. I was in control. Not my emotions, not my imperfections, not the voices I couldn't shut off.
For that 5 miles I was in control.
I wish I could bottle up that joy. The laughter shared with good friends. It feels safe. Like I am in a bubble away from distractions. Life so quickly interrupts and pulls you back to reality.
I am very grateful for the moments of joy. Good friendships. Good times. Laughter really is great medicine.
Distance: 5 miles
Finished up with 100 weighted crunches, 5 sets of 20 on the incline bench.
Be Careful what you Capture. Sometimes it controls YOU.Not to long ago I got a private message from a cousin of mine who struggles with addiction. I knew automatically from the beginning of the note he had relapsed and was most likely wasted. I tried not to take the note to personal. My heart hurt so bad for him.
Until he brought up Andy. Then I wanted to come out swinging.
He was glorifying his addiction. Comparing himself to Andy. He was bragging about what a REAL addict was. Bragging about the things he had done and the drugs he used. He knows nothing about Andy or his addiction. He sees a man who is a professional. A clean cut, well groomed family man. He sees a churchy guy who came from a cookie cutter house.
He believes that addiction has to be UGLY on the outside. It has to show jail time, or prison time, physical abuse, custody battles, loss of jobs, relationships, and the list goes on.
AND WHILE ALL THIS IS TRUE...there are still some out there that are able to disguise their addiction a little better.
Our home was as UGLY as anyone could imagine. We fought, screamed and cried. Divorce was a word I had really entertained in confusion. I had no idea the demons that were haunting Andy.
It was about this time of the night 12 years ago I learned my clean cut, professional husband was shooting dope in his body, anywhere he could find a vein. He was pale, pasty and 165 pounds at 6'2. And he had been doing it for years.
Andy is in the 1% club for IV drug users. By the grace of God he never overdosed. And Andy never relapsed. He surrendered everything to God and God did a miracle. He worked everyday for sobriety. That was his main job. Literally. He didn't work for 3 months just concentrating on staying clean. Meetings 2 times a day, reading the bible, praying and working in the church. We almost lost our house and my husbands grandma would buy us groceries to help. But even when all the stresses of the world were caving in he still concentrated on staying clean.
|A genuine smile.|
I am so grateful. You can't do it on your own. You have to surrender, surrender Everything. Let go of what you captured before it controls you.
Clean Sober and Strong!
Romans 8:37 We are more than Conquerors through HIM who loves us."
NEVER NEVER QUIT!