"For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me." Job 3:35
"Mom, is that all you think about is when you are going to run?"
Today, it was at the forefront of my mind.
I GREATLY FEARED MYSELF.
I have days I really struggle, Holidays are rough. Even at 42 years old, over 20 years with out a mother and I just have bad days. Days I just miss that comfort of my mom. Days when you are so broken you just want that touch, that comfort, that look, that unconditional love.
I knew I needed to run.
We got home about 6:30pm. Not the ideal time to run. Over fed, over stuffed, and in a food coma but CRAZY was surfacing faster than I could get a grip on.
Even Andy could tell I was inverting. I was crawling inside myself. Afraid to say anything, afraid I would hurt someone with my words, or hurt myself with more damaging thoughts.
I took off down E. Holly Rd in a tank top and capris. The warm March day was helping. Tapering for my Marathon I decided I would only run 5-7 miles.
It was horrible. I couldn't think. My words haunted me. My actions disgusted me. I was sad, no mad..I couldn't put a finger on what was burning inside me. I could feel my heart racing with anxiety. I felt ashamed I couldn't control myself, I was embarrassed I couldn't understand myself, I was angry I couldn't fix myself. I FEARED MYSELF, my thoughts were daunting.
By mile 2, I couldn't breath, I was crying. I didn't see that coming. It hurt so bad to cry. My legs instantly felt like all the blood had drained out of them. "Breath" "Just Breath Anita"
I want to put a bullet to my emotions.
It hurts to hurt.
Then my earbuds died.
I had nothing to muffle the crazy out of my head. I instantly turned around, quickly heading home. I couldn't stand listening to all my thoughts. I couldn't stand myself.
I wish 5 miles fixed everything.
But it didn't.
I grabbed Sheba and headed to Sorenson park for a couple more miles.
I found a smile through the tears.
I could hear the lullaby of the woods. The stillness hidden away from the pollution of society. I could feel God, I could hear God, I needed him so bad. I needed him to reassure me that I didn't actually need my mothers hand, touch, love or security, I NEEDED HIS.