The week of sleepless nights, tear stained pillows and raw emotions.
I have had these break through moments that I actually told myself, "One Day you will Laugh at this."
I even found myself laughing over some of my secret issues.
The laughter is enough to soften the blow, however, reality sets in to remind me of how hard parenting is.
I see the faces of those who chatter in my ears, I read the words that create pressures even on this 40 year old. I feel confusion grow inside me, insecurity knocks at the door and even creeps through the cracks.
I know that I need to run. I need to sweat, I need to work it out of me.
I found myself shadow boxing in the corner of the gym. I tightened my grip on the weights in my hands watching the veins bulge across my shoulders.
Jab, jab, uppercut, dip, dive..
After 45 minutes I came down to the track. Red faced and sore, I did a mile cool down, walking.
I could still feel my body shaking from the inside out.
I headed to the treadmill.
I hit the incline and started running. The incline continued to increase. So did the sweat and my pulse. The chatter began slowing to a whisper...
Then I heard the voices of defeat..
"Slow down, your at a 9.0 incline, just walk."
"H@!# NO!!" I shouted.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Maybe its your marriage, maybe its you children, maybe its your health.
We are in a CONSTANT battle just on a interpersonal level.
This world is broken and a mess. You better quit making excuses for it and your reaction to it. You better learn to fight to be set apart, fight to do the right thing in the wrong situations, fight to have integrity, honesty or just fight to stay true to yourself. Make NO MISTAKE if you are just chillin out eating Bon Bons you are a easy target for a life of apathy and regret.
"GOD help me, I cant QUIT". It truly is in my weakest state, my most vulnerable condition, that I am so humbled, on my knees in emptiness begging God to provide me of my inadequacies.
Psalm 31:24 "Be Strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!"
"God, I WON'T QUIT..I WON'T."
I felt the vomit churning in my belly, my chest was heaving as I tried to figure out when that last interval would be finished. It was the longest interval in the history of intervals.
Determined I dug in with everything I had and everything I begged for. I could see the situations I was struggling with being applied as I persevered.
Failure is NOT an Option.
I'm not gonna quit.
I will go to my grave fighting. I will fight clean and I will fight dirty...But I will Fight.. The Enemy doesn't play fair.
I will fight, I will fight for my children and I will NEVER quit.
Let them chatter, it doesn't matter what other people do or say.
Just when I thought I saw my life flash before me the treadmill began to decline. Relief. Air. Victory.
It was finished. I fought, I never quit, I never compromised.
I Thanked God.
Find YOUR Fight.
And Never GIVE UP.