Just let me be ME. Marquette 50k.

MARQUETTE 50k

SATURDAY AUGUST 17TH.5:30am 

ELEVATION: 3,237

START/FINISH: FORESTVILLE TRAILHEAD

5 PEAKS: SUGARCUBE, SUGARLOAF, TOP OF THE WORLD, BEARBACK & HOGBACK. 

CUT OFF TIME; 12 HOURS

GOAL: 8-10

“But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Waking up at 4:15am was a real struggle, my body was sluggish from my "PM" I had taken the night before.
I had all my clothes set out. I needed coffee, or at least the idea of coffee before I could even get the lights on. I knew taking the "PM" so late was going to be a mistake as I stumbled over myself.

I hoped as I dressed that the sky was dry of any more rain. I didn't have my hydration pack to carry anything extra. I discovered a small leak in the bladder of my hydration vest and left it all home, hoping a hand held would be enough.
For that matter I "hoped" for a lot.
My longest training run was 16 miles. I was very concerned for another 16 miles of technical trail.

"Much of the trail consists of moderate to difficult terrain, with significant climbs and technical areas.  According to Ultrarunning Magazine, the course is rated 3 out of 5 for Terrain ("Hilly"), and 4 out of 5 for Surface ("Trail with substancial rocks, roots and/or ruts")."

I was short lipped with the race. I never told my doctors. I knew they would tell me "NO". Race 31 miles up north on a technical trail in the middle of chemo? I knew the answer would be NO. 

I just couldn't emotionally handle being let down again. I just wanted to feel like "ME". I wanted to run. I wanted to sweat and have the feeling of freedom. Free from feeling this damn cancer. Free from Fears. Free from Weakness. Free from Pain uninvited. Everyday CANCER. Every night CANCER, I live it, I breath it, I just needed a break from it. Just let me be me. 

So I stuck my middle finger up at cancer and lined up with all the other ultra runners. I covered my bald head up with a hat Lydia bought my in Hawaii and squeezed in like I was no different than the rest of them running. F-Cancer, I was running with everything in me. 

But first, I prayed. "Dear God...…..keep me safe, give me stamina, give me your strength when I have none left, give me wisdom....." 

In the Dark

Everyone had headlamps or flashlights but me. I chose to run without one, utilizing everyone else's light. I had no pack to store my light, besides it would only be dark for about an hour. 

If I could run 4 miles an hour I could finish in 8 hours, that would be 15min/miles. That didn't include taking photos or aid stations and it definitely didn't include terrain that would unrunnable. 

I followed behind Claudia. It was as dark as the ace of spades. The single track switch backed though the woods, uphill. It took all my concentration to stay upright. I had a 4 point fall the first mile, scraping my leg on the sharp rocks. I jumped up quickly as dozens of runners were lined up behind me. "Get up Nita, stay up" 

At one point we lost the flags telling us we were on the right trail. The line of runners were blindly following Claudia, no one was in front of Claudia. It was hilarious. Everyone came to a complete stop. 40-50 runners scattered in the woods with headlamps all stopped. We found the trail again, I yelled "We HAVE FLAGS!" and we were off again laughing like a group fun run. 

The sun began to come up about 6:30. We were coming out of the woods as the sky was opening up. 

6:43am

It was spectacular. Pam C. was running behind me enjoying the views and even taking a picture for me. I had decided that I would take pictures of the entire race, enjoying every mile. 

This was the first loop, an 11 mile loop. 

Sugarcube: "Sugarloaf's nasty little sibling." 

This was my first peak. She might have been the little sister, but she was a stinker. 

9:11am 

That's is what I was thinking....call 911...this is crazy! You had to really look for the orange flags or another runner in front of you. I was "RIKING" Run/hiking. The rocks were the trail. 

9:22am

We were still climbing, the sun was getting warm quickly. 

9:22am

WE MADE IT! Our first peak! Sugarcube accomplished. 

SUGARLOAF: 

Sugarloaf consisted of mostly stairs. A LOT of stairs. I followed behind Claudia wondering when the stairs were going to end. It was a nice change of pace getting off the rooty trail and using different muscles.

9:47am

 

9:49am

Sugarloaf was a little scary! The climb was technical and very steep. The trail takes you to Lake Superior. It was breathtaking. The sky mirrored the lake, this baby blue with calming waters and peaceful skies. This is why I came out here to run. 

TOP OF THE WORLD

I was outside of the first loop, 11 miles. The second loop consisted of 3 more peaks. I had now ran farther that I had ran in months. I could feel the emotions billowing. I felt incredible. I was coming into 20 miles and my body was still a mystery to me. My knee was feeling the pivoting from the rocks but I was doing more than I had thought. I was still smiling, I was still thinking happy thoughts. I was full of gratitude and wonder. 

I

I enjoyed the river crossings, running when I could but "Riking" a lot. I didn't stay long at the aid stations. I would fill my handheld up, grab some pickles, watermelon and a roll-up, walking back to the trail. 

The Aid stations were full of choices. I was getting hungry. It felt great to eat and get my second wind as I headed out for my climb. 

On Top of the WORLD! Somewhere around 25 miles. 

BEARBACK 

The peaks were coming and going, I just kept knocking them off in my mind. My energy was overflowing. With every mile I accomplished rather than feeling the fatigue I felt encouraged. I just kept saying to myself, "I cant believe I can still run....Thank you God.." 

I had 2 more climbs. The runners were fewer and fewer around me. I had ran many miles now solo. As I started my climb up Bearback the sun was beating down on me. Sweat drenched my skin and dripped off my chin. I ascended up, just getting one foot in front of the other. Just when you thought you were at the top it went back up even more. I hear people cheering me on, "You are almost there..." I laughed when I got a better look and replied, "Easy for you to say, your not wearing a bib!" 

Behind me were 2 the climbs. One I had already ran, Sugarloaf and one I still had to conquer, Hogback. My mind took on a new wave of thoughts. I looked at my watch, looked at the time I had, the miles I had to run and started doing simple math. I had been toying with the idea of trying to come in around 8 hours. I had been managing my time really well with photos, aid stations, running and walking. I knew I just had a few more miles. I decided to go for it. To push myself just one more gear. I had to maintain a 15min/mi all the way in. 

HOGBACK: 

I had heard several runners already warn me for MILES how hard this peak was. It is extremely technical and steep not to mention at the back end of the race. 

OH but it felt so good to be challenged, to feel tired, sweaty, sore and even competitive. It really was some kind of wonderful. At this point quitting was not an option.

Technical?! The rise up the trail was no joke. It was over 80 degrees as we scaled upward. You couldn't see the top, it was daunting. I just followed the girls in front of me. When I didn't see them I looked for the orange flags. I had already passed so many runners as the trail had beaten them up. The rocks covered the mountain making footing near impossible. I had wore the Hokas that Rachel had bought me as a symbol of good luck and love. But even as tough as this shoe was it still couldn't protect my toes. I had banged my toes up pretty bad on the boulders and they were screaming at me. I caught up to the girls. I had heard the one gal in distress. my heart was broken for her. She was in tears. The trail was not runnable or walkable. I found myself on all fours climbing. Huge boulders toppled over each other. You had to get creative to weave forward. It was so steep in spots that you had to stay focused not to loose your footing and fall back down. 

Directly in front of me the one girl was trying to help the other girl. But she was scared, "I can't climb up, I don't trust my legs...." she cried. The other girl was scared to turn around to help her. "Here, let me get in front of you, follow my footing...." As I passed her, she did her best to follow until she got nervous of the treacherous path. I turned around, "Here, do you want me to pull you up? Grab my hand....". As I reached down and pulled her up I could feel her shaking. 

I moved forward coaxing them to follow me, but they fell behind. 

I thought I was never going to make it to the top. At the top, I was so humbled. I MADE IT!! Against the ODDS, I made it!

But the challenge was not over, I still had 3 miles down with terrible footing. I thought my toe was going to fall off. My quads were burning on the descend but I still felt strong. I looked at my watch and picked up the pace where I could. I was so close to making my 8 hour goal. 

I continued to pass runners. Each time encouraging them with "Great JOB, your doing great..." 

I could hear the finish line. 

Tears welled up. I could hardly swallow as the emotions erupted with humility. 

Crossing the finish line I was sobbing. The volunteers came to me, "Are you ok? Can I get you anything?" 

"No, thank you..." I mumbled. 

I had Finished. I ran, I hiked, I "riked", I climbed 31 miles. Triple negative breast cancer, 4 treatments of AC, 6 treatments of Taxol with 2 treatments of Carboplatin and I FINISHED. 

I conquered 5 peaks, over 3,000 feet of elevation in 82' weather....

I just wanted to crumble in gratitude. I am a NOBODY, I came from nothing and have nothing to offer and yet, GOD GAVE me this VICTORY. Undeserving, unequipped and yet HE loves me UNDENIABLY. 

Thank YOU for all the WONDERFUL messages, texts, love, and encourament. Thank YOU for CHOOSING to LOVE ME. 

GLORY TO GOD. 

ANITA~

RUN DEVIL RUN!

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” ~

Wednesdays Chemo is brought to you by all the RUNNING COMMUNITY that have sent me cards, encouragement, support, meals, miles and smiles.

Marly and Sheba. They were so cute together. 

I am Half way there!
I have now undergone 10 treatments. I have 6 more treatments to go, 6 Taxol 2 more Carboplatin.
Even with a hemoglobin of 12 I just barely snuck in for treatment Wednesday. My neutrophils was only 1.1. They have been as low as .8. But they really want them to be higher than 1.5.
NEUTROPHIL; a neutrophilic white blood cell.

I met with Dr. Q. After missing a treatment we are still on course for surgery. He did discuss that the blood counts are really affected by the Carboplatin. This we knew. Andy is going to need to give me shots of the Granix to keep my neutrophil (white blood) up. More shots!

My weight is holding at 104.5. 
I have now lost almost all my eyelashes and most of my eyebrows. My toes are showing signs of the Taxol, I have lost 1 1/2 toenails. 
Cancer can really ugly you up. Today, my cheeks were so red, Miah, Laceys daughter said I looked like I had too much blush on! 
Nail polish can't pretty my feet up. 
And the hair that is growing in, is sporadic and chaotic. My hair reminds me of the electric balls where the electricity makes your hair stand straight up and wild. 

I tried so hard to stay awake. I even entertained the idea of fighting the slump of Benadryl, but I lose that battle every time.  

My vampire, Deb took me back to only get my vitals. With the most genuine smile she asks, "So how many miles today?" I giggled, and whispered "I'm tapering, I only walked today, 2 miles." She looked confused so in a even lower voice I added "I am running a 50k this weekend, I am keeping it on the down low...." 

WAKING UP. 

I have no energy to speak or think. Mike K. said it best. His wife went through breast cancer and he has been a big encouragement me to me, I don't even think he knows this.  "You look calm...." 

This is me trying to wake up from my Benadryl hangover. Slumped. Bloated. Foggy. Void of emotions. Can't put sentences together. The couch becomes my crib. I just wait. I wait for this to fade out. Grateful for new days. 

If you are not careful you will feel this shadow lurking. You can't find its location but you know it is close, you can feel it. Your not sure how to describe its presence, friend or foe...

But you know he is pursuing you.  

He comes in closer, you are t0o tired to question his presence. He warmly wraps his body around you. You cozy up unaware of the darkness he embodies. You are so worn, so confused, the pain you battle has disillusioned you.

Until it is almost too late and for many, it is too late. As he embraces you tighter, you soberly recognize the embrace is not comforting, it is suffocating.

He is not friend. He is the enemy, wanting to devour you in your pain, in your weakness.  

The very thing you embrace, uncertainty and  hesitation will invite Darkness to own you. 

Do not dance with the devil. 

As inviting and warm as his touch is, you must fight with the zeal of a Zealot. 

I have felt his touch in my sadness. I wake up almost every day still unaware  this Cancer that has a hold on me. Somedays my fight is easy, and some days I am so weak, soo very weak.....

But RUN DEVIL RUN....

This is LOVE. "LOVE CONQUERS ALL" 

This weeks Cards, beautiful, Sentimental, Loving. I stay strong for reasons bigger than myself. 

When people believe in you, you are given another breath to breathe. Love breathes life into you. 

Special thanks to Gay F for the cozy blanket. Rebecca for the jammies and Jean for the amazing Edible arrangement.

MARQUETTE 50K. DREAM

Jeremiah 33:3 "Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. " 

PLEASE keep me in prayer. Saturday I am going to attempt a 50k. I was signed up for a 50 mile but I have a couple more brain cells to not do that! 

By skipping a week of chemo it pushed everything back a week, allowing me to NOT have carboplatin. And by me getting a blood transfusion it raised my hemoglobin up higher than it has been in over a year, 12!. 

I am NOT racing this. I am taking my time, enjoying every mile of beauty and prepared to DNF if I feel at all concerned. 

This is a dream. A still believe in dreaming. I am NOT going to let Cancer rob me of my dreams. 

“Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.” ~Jonas Salk

Run Devil Run...David Crowder. 

Anita

A Welcomed Tumble

Tammy sent me this card. Two simple words that are speaking volumes in my life right now.  My health has been a slow fade. The hardest part has been my hemoglobin being below 8. This causes me to not be able to breath, I can barely run 100m without having to stop, breath and get my heart rate down. Therefore, over the last few weeks I haven't ran that much at all. 

Wednesday, when I went to have my Chemo, they did a unscheduled blood draw through my port. Within minutes my nurse was dodging my eyes with my results in her hand. I knew the results were not good. She came back in to tell me Dr. Q,  didn't want me to get Chemo.
Thursday, I had to have my first blood transfusion. I was scared to death. Andy drove me to Beaumont but asked Rachel if she could stay with me. Holly my other girlfriend wanted to see me and I told her I would be about 8 hours getting a blood transfusion if she wanted to hang out.
Andy was there for a couple hours and the girls showed up. I had my own nurse and my own room. We had our own private party. We laughed, joked, played cards and tried not to get kicked out.
"What's in that blood?!" I laughed, making ridiculous jokes with the girls. We would catch "Nurse Jackie" giggling in the corner. "Nita, I can see your cards from the reflection off your head!" Holly teased. The look on my nurses face was priceless as she listened to us bantering back and forth. Nurse Jackie shook my hand as we were leaving and said "I can't remember the last time I was this entertained!"

 Rachel taught us a new game, SET. It was a mind bender. My chemo brain was about to explode. Skip Bo was much easier, A step up from "Go Fish" which is what I was about to recommend after having smoke come of my ears from trying to learn SET!

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 My first nurse, Maria did a great job with my port, it still hurts getting poked and as you can tell, I get real serious. I suck on sour chewy candy when they flush my port. The saline puts with horrific taste in your mouth and candy helps disguise the taste.

I am holding my new blood and a cup of coffee. I thought of Paula Gomez, when she came over she prayed with me. She prayed over the blood and over the medicine I  will be receiving. This prayer gave me more security. 

 Friday night, I RAN!! I wanted to test my body out from the transfusion. I told Andy I wanted to go on the trails, I haven't been on the trails in weeks. But I needed a trail system I could get out of fairly easy if I didn't have the strength. I chose Holdridge, West Loop.
I not only felt good enough to run without stopping every couple minutes to breath, I was able to run the HILLS. I ran in my new HOKA'S Rachel bought me. The blood gave me life. The very thing that scared me so bad was the same thing that had given me new life. I felt like a real trail runner when I fell, stumbled, tumbled  and rolled! I scraped myself up pretty good, Andy looked like he needed a blood transfusion he was so white! But I was back up and ready to keep going.

5 Miles!! Ya Hoo Bubbaloo! 

"I am both happy and sad at the same time and I am still trying to figure out how that could be" Stephen Chbosky

Every time I find myself getting sad, scared, discouraged or any type of negative emotion I am given twice the reasons to smile, laugh and love.
People say "Anita, you are so strong." I have discovered this week, I am only as strong as those that keep carrying me.
I have been lifted up by so many of you. I fall down, I collapsed under the weight of cancer and yet, I am being constantly lifted, prayed over, and held in the palm of His hands.
Some of you have wiped my tears, embraced me with hugs and posted my blog with support and love, Thank YOU~

Anita~

MOVING FORWARD, I will start where I left off. Next week will be Taxol only. 
I have no immune system right now. They are hoping my bone marrow will produce its own white blood cells. 
It was nice to not have Chemo for a week. But I really can't skip chemo, it pushes everything back. I had a week extra in there for recovery before my surgery, therefore everything is still as planned. 

A Bigger bump in the road.

"Last week I only ran 6 miles and I walked that, I don't understand." I whined in confusion to my PA.

Andy and I had to go to Royal Oak to get my labs drawn.

I had already had an emotional morning. I had ran my slowest 16 miles of my life. Half a mile from home I found myself crying going up hill. I felt so weak. My heart was pounding, I couldn't breath so I just walked and cried. "God do you still love me? Are we still good God?"
All this madness were screaming at me. My pain was a petri dish for every emotion of self doubt and grief imaginable.
I couldn't even find the gratitude for being capable of running 16 miles with this God forsaken cancer. I was in a slumber.

Thankful for this girl. She took such good care of me, never complained at our pace and encouraged me. "Thank you Lacey," I was so thankful for her being by my side. 

I was sad before I even got my blood work done.
Very gently my PA responded, "...it doesn't matter how much you are or are not running, the Carboplatin is doing this."
Her features were so soft, sympathetic. I had the same question over and over, I just couldn't comprehend my choice or maybe I was fighing the fact that I had to make a choice that really was already made for me.
She repeated herself again "You need a blood transfusion, your hemoglobin is a 7.8 and it is not going to come back up, if you don't get a blood transfusion  this week we can not give you chemo Wednesday...."
I actually like the idea of skipping the week, until she added "..taking the week off of chemo is not going to bring your numbers up, you get Carbo in 2 weeks and you will be even worse..."
So I didn't have a choice.
I felt my face getting warm as I swallowed hard trying so hard to stay strong.

I closed my eyes, gripped the table and just waited for it to be over. The nurse finished up "You are so beautiful..." She was so kind, I didn't feel beautiful, I felt like I had just aged 10 years. 

I just had 3 vials of blood drawn and now had to go to another lab and have more drawn.
I tried to process everything on our walk down to the lab. The tears started to fall.
I sat on the bench in anger and frustration. I didn't want to get poked again. I didn't want someone else's blood in me. I didn't want to sit at the hospital for 8 hours.
I Didn't want any of this. I felt so helpless. I couldn't stop the tears. The receptionist came over with a sweet smile and a box of Kleenex.
I was embarrassed of my weakness. I wanted to be strong and courageous but I was so far from that place it was a land foreign to me.
Waves of grief and sadness toppled me. The reality of this cancer had hit in me like a slap in the face.

Andy wrapped his arms around me, unable to fix this, just as helpless.

In the truck on the way home, I got a text from Kimberly, a friend of mine.  She reminded me she had made me dinner.
I had totally forgot.
"Ahh, God continues to comfort me in His perfect timing, He loves me so"
He never quits blessing me.

He has placed so much love and support to me. Unimaginable LOVE from so many.

"Anita, maybe we should get you on an antidepressant to help you..." Andy said concerned with my sadness.
"Andy, I have cancer, this SUCKS, I am going to have days that I cry, I get angry, this is where I am at, I think its allowed every now and again...." I defended myself.
"I know, but I am afraid that you are hiding your emotions from me, there is nothing wrong with getting on a antidepressant."
"God will supply for me, I just have to get on my knees more, he will provide what I am lacking, comfort, healing, security, strength....."

I am sad. I am wiping the tears from my eyes as I write. Dr. Sullivan wasn't lying when he said it was going to be the hardest marathon I have ever ran.
Oh, God it is so hard,
Breathe Anita Breathe.

Thank God for new days.

When I got to work Gina had a shot of Wheatgrass from Honcho sitting on my station and Elizabeth had a carrot cake muffin to go with it for me to go with it.
It put a smile on my face, not because I love the taste of freshly mowed lawn in my mouth but because I felt their love for me. The lil things.


Wednesday Dentist appointment and Chemo.
Thursday Blood transfusion at Beamount.

My Sister in Law Deb sent me this and so did her sister Kim! Neither of them knew the other one had sent me the SAME scripture! Psalms 56:8-13

⁸ Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll
    are they not in your record?
⁹ Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.

¹⁰ In God, whose word I praise,
    in the Lord, whose word I praise—
¹¹ in God I trust and am not afraid.
    What can man do to me?

¹² I am under vows to you, my God;
    I will present my thank offerings to you.
¹³ For you have delivered me from death
    and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
    in the light of life.

I replace Enemies with Cancer. What can Cancer do to me?
With tear stained cheeks or a smile of sunshine, I am still digging in. Catching my breath and even in grief and hardship I will continue to praise God in the storm

Thank You Joe Burns, My new Favorite hat! 

Anita

No Poking around!

Wednesday, back for my 9th round of Chemo.

 I was just there Monday getting poked.
Tuesday Andy had to give me another shot of Granix for my white blood cells dropping again.

Now back to Wednesday to get Poked again. This is no laughing matter. I don't like these weekly pokes. I have not gotten used to them and I dread them. The crazy thing is they really don't hurt bad, I just hate it.

I sat in my Chemo chair with mom and Andy beside me. The chairs were all full again. I am getting to know all the faces, we all smile and greet each other. Its really important to smile in this dreadful stage we are all at. Smiles and laughter allows us to drop our shoulders a little bit.  They actually look to me now with jokes from the week before.
We are becoming a little family.
 Gal. 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfil the law of Christ."

April my nurse was hopping again. She is so stinking cute. She is witty and sarcastic, I love her humor with me.
As April was cleaning my port, preparing me for my Poke I excitedly say, "April! Andy cleaned my arm off to give me my shot with my sons Acne antiseptic, Clean and Clear, is that allowed?"
Laughing hysterically, well for that matter everyone was laughing, "Well, its better than whiskey!"

Smiling Deb, my vampire comes into the chemo room. I had this feeling she wasn't there to play cards with us.

Dr. Cotan wanted MORE BLOOD.
"Wait Wait, you can't come in here flirting with me Deb then suck my blood!" More laughter.
I was thrilled to hear they were going to take it from my port.
But OH, if you have a weak tummy, that about made me up chuck watching.

Wednesday we played a new game, Golf. I made it all 9 rounds and lost again.
I gathered up my pretty blanket Angie made me, leaned back and let the drugs invade my helpless body. A shattered smile rested on my face,".. another mile Anita, get another mile down".

I get these extra Pokes because I want to RUN. They are monitoring me very closely.
I have CANCER. I Love Running. But having cancer isn't a cold, or a flu. It is not something you just "get through".
Triple Negative Breast Cancer. The MOST aggressive breast cancer you can get. Then add Brcha1 mutation, it makes it more nasty.
Couple facts:

• TNBC typically isn't usually found until its Stage 3. 
• About 10-20% of breast cancers are found to be triple negative.
• TNBC occurs most frequently in women ages 40-50 (younger than the average age of diagnosis across other forms of the disease), African American women and Hispanic women, and those with BRCA1 mutations.
• It has a poorer prognosis, but if a woman can survive 5 years without a reoccurrence than her chances of survival are high. 
• The average medical cost for breast cancer is $100, 000. 

Cancer Sucks. And in so many ways I feel like I have skewed the image of cancer with my jokes, my running and my positive spirit. But I have always wanted to show you all the Power is in your Spirit. 

So my extra Pokes are welcomed by me. Because my Dr. knows how serious this journey is. He wants to keep me safe and healthy. He wants to keep me monitored closely.  

Truth be told, as bad as my numbers have gotten, they are really just the normal numbers for the average cancer patient that doesn't  RUN. I am breaking barriers at my office. Doing things that have NEVER been done.  

I don't show you my tears. 

After chemo I was slumped. exhausted and sick on the couch. "Mom, Mom, are you ok? Are you in pain, mom....?  Austin caught me sobbing on the couch. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard. I was lifeless on the couch when I saw a photo mom had made of Ariel and posed on me when I was sleeping. 

With hardly any energy and life in me I found this grief that painfully brought me back to life. But it scared Austin. 

I don't talk about the effects this has on my family. Alec, when he sees me on the couch curled up always takes a second to see my eyes, to gauge if I am ok.  And of course I smile as genuinely as I can to comfort him in my misery. 

I don't show you pictures laying on the couch after my Carboplatin. Or share with you my extended belly that feels like I have the stomach flu almost every day. 

I don't complain about the bone aches from the shots Andy has to give me to raise my white count. 

The hot flashes that haunt me now everyday are real special. 

I don't whine about the sores in my mouth or the uncalculated bowel movements. The lack of appetite and lack of sleep. 

How about the lovely sores on my head where the hair follicles have become clogged. 

This is Cancer. It is ugly. I haven't even discussed the mental end of it, the grief. The fears that shadow my tomorrows.  Or what it has done physically to my body, destroying my muscle mass. You know what it feels like to not be able to breathe? To have your heart pounding through your ears so loud you think you are having a heart attack. 

This is CANCER. Its not the flu. Its not a little illness that you just GET THROUGH. And it can NOT be downplayed with comparisons. 

BUT I WILL. Because I am so damn stubborn. And you all know I will. "Oh Anita, she will get through it, she is so strong." 

But I am not. This hurts. It scares me. It is one of the hardest races I have ever ran. 

There is just no other option but to FIGHT. To Fight Blindly, to Fight Bravely. To Fight in Fear and to Fight in Faith. 

Because God is so good to me, He has blessed me unmeasurably. He gives me everything I need to Fight and so much more. 

But I want you to understand, I am strong enough to smile, I am grateful enough that I will rarely complain, I am humbled enough to grow and learn, letting GOD use me for His glory. 

I MET WITH PAM JOHNSON, THE HEAD HONCHO TODAY.

APRIL 17TH, THE FIRST TIME I MET PAM JOHNSON. ANDY AND I DISCOVERED MODS PIZZA. 

Tentatively, I will have a double mastectomy and reconstruction October 30th.

I will be meeting my reconstruction surgeon in the next month. 

And I am hoping I will be able to squeeze in my hysterectomy by the end of the year. 

Over an hour Pam met with us. She did a breast exam and couldn't find the tumor! She did an ultrasound and could only find the marker they placed in my breast weeks ago. 

This journey doesn't stop with Chemo. 

After surgery, I will have roughly 4 weeks of radiation every day, except for Thanksgiving! There's something to be thankful for. 

AUGUST 1, WE MET PAM JOHNSON AND HAD LUNCH AT MODS AGAIN...WOW HAS A LOT CHANGED. 

Special thanks this week to Erin, for our power walk before chemo.

6 miles, the only miles I have ran this week. 

My sister in law sending me a very special care package.
Rachel, Spoiled me rotten with new trailshoes, I was so sick Andy actually opened my gift. I just couldn't believe it,
The love my clients have given me, Kimberly P bringing me lunch, Kristy and husband buying me head wraps, my client Joyce purchasing me a "Cooling pillow" for those darn hot flashes and I had fresh from the oven a heathy banana bread made for me from my client Allison.
SOO much love.

This weeks Cards, Thank you Aunt Lo for the tokens with words of encouragement. 

It has been a struggle this week. Please keep me in your prayers. I know this is a long journey and maybe I have fallen off your prayer list with all my smiles, but my body was pretty beat up this week. I fought hard and I will continue to fight. Because in my Weakness, He is Strong. God has already given me Victory over this, He  is just gonna needs me to be the best Me I can in all this mess.  My hemoglobin keeps dropping, I ask for your prayers. I know God hears them, I have been so blessed by them. 

ANITA~

Loopty Loops.

Sunday was Loopty Loops. This was a 6 hour relay race that I had signed up for weeks ago.
I have been looking forward to it and nervous all in the same thought.

I liked the design of the race. 2 mile loops that you and your partner take turns on. This allowed me to rest while my partner was running. All I had to do was convince myself that it was only 2 miles I had to get through.

Rachel was my partner. We both were using this as a training run.

For me, I needed to see how my body would do for 6 hours. I needed to see how I felt after Carboplatin and running. I needed to see how I could tolerate the heat and I wanted to see how my body ran. For what purpose you may ask. read on, there really is a method to my madness.

Oh did I find out!

Rachel drove Lacey and I out to Bloomer Park where the race was. We arrived at 7:15am. The race didn't even start until 9am, oops, we may have gotten a little too excited. Especially when we were there with the race directors setting up!

We had 4 of us running, 2 teams: Team Switchback, Lacey and Matt, and Team Lost in Pace, Rachel and I.

Our set up was outrageous! We had a tent, signs, cowbells, a picnic table with a full on aid station. We had a swimming pool with floaties, water, Gatorade, Vernors, I worked on a old school playlist for a week, bringing my wireless speakers to jam to.

Food, we had everything covered, potatoes, oranges slices, Moms chocolate chip cookies, bacon, chips, watermelon, pizza the list goes on. I think I actually gained weight!

Rachel decided she would run first. With over 30 teams and a 5k, the trail

run started promptly at 9am.
Rachel and I had these super cute galaxy skirts on with matching tanks. When Rachel came through at 19 minutes I headed out all smiles.
Those smiles quickly disappeared within the first mile.
I couldn't catch my breath. Andy had reminded me earlier that week when I had gotten my blood work done and my hemoglobin was 8.6 that I was going to struggle breathing and catching my breath.
That was the understatement of the year!

I had hopes that maybe it would get better once I "WARMED UP".

That cute skirt made it 1 loop! When I came in to switch with Rachel, my legs were dripping in sweat.
Claudia came to cheer us all on and so did Joe Burns. The humidity and heat was no joke.

My goal was to try to maintain 20 minute loops. I didn't want to over do it and thought that was a reasonable time.
The loops never felt better. 
Even with more support and cheering from friends, I couldn't get my breath down. I had no shame in walking and even found my loops running longer, 21 minutes.
Pam and Dave showed up around the same time as Erin and Melissa. We had so much support hanging out with us, this made it really fun.
When I wasn't running I was eating, drinking, and trying to relax, as long as a good song didn't come on!

I was really hoping to get 8 loops in. My 7th loop I ran with Lacey. It was so nice to have someone to run with. It made it a lot easier, We were both on the struggle bus. Everyone had slowed their pace down, the heat had become a real evil.
My 8th loop, Rachel was waiting, "Hey, you can go slow, no hurry", wink wink.
But the clock said otherwise. 5:13pm. If I could get back by 5:35 she could get one more loop in.

Only 2 more miles, right? It was a suckfest. Physically nothing hurt, but I was fading fast, or maybe I had already faded, and I was delusional.

I entered the trail, somewhat smiling. The trail was fully covered and glided downhill for almost a half a mile. It was beautiful. It was a Sunday family day for many  on the trail. We shared the trail with a lot of bikers too.
The trail leveled out spitting you unto a very flat straight stretch below power lines. Once you completed this you had accomplished your easiest of the two mile loop.
I hit that 2nd mile with a little competitive spirit trying so hard to get to Rachel by 5:35. I had switched my watch over to time trying to race the clock. But the second loop contained a nasty winding hill I had walked every time. This loop would be no exception.
With each step up that hill my breathing got worse. I hated that I was not in control of my body. I was so angry that I was a victim of my condition. I felt trapped in my own body, limited.
I kept telling myself to do the best I could.
Once I hit the top of the hill I was begging my body to calm down and relax.
I had a half a mile, I walked a few more seconds.
The trail was narrow with switchbacks and roots. I just had to stay focused, picking up my feet was important. I could hear the finish line spectators.
I was excited when I got excited, if that makes sense.
I screamed "RACHEL" hidden behind the trees with the finishing line just on the other side.
I came in fast and Rachel was ready with a look of grit. She had 25 minutes to complete 2 miles.
I was glued to the clock. We were TIED, we needed this last loop.

Tick Tock. 5:53pm, I headed closer to the wooded trail head screaming "MARCO". I heard my partner, "POLO" I was so excited!
Rachel came through the woods tough as nails. I jumped in next to her, running behind her screaming to the finish line. She completed 9 loops, 18 miles.

We took 1st PLACE OVERALL FEMALE TEAM!

Take that Cancer! Rachel had to run the extra loop for the win, I was so proud of her.

Between all 4 of us running, and all those that came and hung out with us ALL day it was the a fun race. We all had so much fun. "Move It" fitness did a fabulous job directing the event.


I just wanted to do something I have been told I can not do by cancer. I wanted a little bit of me.  Just to feel that zeal of running, of racing.
Life has changed in so many ways. I have adapted pretty well. I locate my smile and attach it genuinely.
I have limitations that I have worked well with. Fighting the system doesn't has to be an option, just working within it allows me to stay positive and keeps me from finding myself in a dark place.

I have been signed up for Marquette 50miler since last Thanksgiving. That is in 3 weeks.
I am dropping down to the 50k and going to walk/jog it, quite possibibly 10 hours.
This was the one race Claudia had really talked me into last year. We got a hotel room together and had been planning this for months. This race is supposed to be beautiful.
Loopty loop was a gauge on how I would feel. A trial.

That's were we are at. I had my blood work yesterday and I got to see Dr. Cotan. Andy just sits there watching me be my goofy self, sharing more than I should and asking questions that are ridiculous.
My hemoglobin isn't going up and my white blood cells are not anything to brag about.
Andy will be administering me shots again starting today.
I am very blessed to have Andy as my advocate, even though I don't like the shots, I am lucky he can give them.


Anita~

Overflowing. Another Chemo down.

Its the day after Chemo, and I celebrate another treatment successfully completed.
Tammy was prepping me for April, my nurses work together so well. Always helping each other.

 I shared with Tammy how I was in Monday for my blood draw. It is always nerve racking waiting on those results. But this week my numbers were GOOD! Passing out big smiles. However, Lacey chauffeured me Monday and sat with me and Deborah, my PA. Lacey ratted me out about a 6 hour, 2 mile relay we were doing this Sunday.
Deborah got real stern with me. Telling me to be responsible, stay hydrated, listen to your body...but then added, "You are a experienced runner, and I know you take care of yourself, so if at all you feel a little off this Friday  or Monday after, I will have you set up to get IV fluids."
She then added again to me "In my 14 years, I have never had a patient like you....."
It is the best feeling when you are helped to achieve your desires, especially mine because I know they are a little unconventional!

I shared this with Tammy, she smiled adding "...well, I have been doing this for about 18 years and I too have NEVER had a patient who runs like you or run at all."

My support comes from every angle. I feel so encouraged to get through each day, each obstacle because I have someone in EVERY corner.

*4 treatments of AC
*4 treatments of Taxol, 2 w/ Carboplatin
** 8 more weekly Chemo treatments to go.

Alec drove me to treatment, mom met us and Andy was rushing to get there.
I pulled the cards out before I got all groggy in hopes I would beat Mr. Sandman.
I made it to 9 rounds of cards, then the heavy eyelids began to win, my speech began to slur and Mr. Sandman had arrived. It was a good time to quit I was losing anyway and I could tell Mr. Sandman was getting a two for one, Andy was getting a little droopy too!

My legs were flip, dip and tripping, everybody step back! I feel like a Kung Fu fighter the way my legs do roundhouses in my sleep. There is no controlling those legs! I kept tossing and turning, unaware I was tangling my chords. Also unaware they were taking pictures!
Sluggishly, I began to wake up when I heard Andy had gotten me Bunkhouse burgers and fries.

The BEST fries ever!

Like Manna from Heaven. half sleeping, possibly fully sleeping I sat up to munch on my little taste of heaven.

I felt like my mom, only she wasn't droggy from Benadryl when we would catch her with a bowl of ice cream and a spoon hanging out of her mouth sawing logs!

Rundown:
Last weeks miles: 43 miles
I ran 4 days. two long runs and two short runs.
Yesterday, I met Lacey to run, neither one of us were motivated. We ended up walking to our friends house, Erin. We stalked her through the screen door and plopped ourselves in her garage chairs where we squatted for over an hour. So much for running, we walked back to conclude 2 whopping miles, of walking!


SOO Many Blessings this week.

Proverbs 11:25

 "Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered." 

Treasures of Love, Inspiration, Encouragment, have BLESSED me to the fullest. Its the HEART, the gifts I have been given have come from peoples heart. Genuinely kind and thoughtful. The gifts are so personal, detailed. 

Kristy, a client of mine from over 10 years ago, sent me the top 3 bangles along with a beautiful card to wrap the mantra together with encouragement and love. 

Gina, my sister has now purchased me 3 Mantra bands. The latest is a gold "Its just another marathon" bangle. 

Aunt Lo, also sending me a bracelet. Every week, I get a beautiful card and sentiment from her. She is a survivor of Lymphoma. A hero of mine. 

Angie W. made me this awesome blanket " I saw this picture of you sleeping or napping during chemos…." Details, she had the ribbon and heart for the fight and love, on the other side Anchors for her personal favorite verse. HEBREWS 6:19 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.."

The cards, Oh how I LOVE them all. As I read the words many of you have penned,the sentiments help remove my anxiety, tears down my fears, crushes my insecurities, and builds me up with you true love. Words flowing with genuine care for me. My cards have come from directions I never would have seen. Leone and Isaiah one of our pastors, came over last night with a delicious meal for me. Leone blessed me with protein powder for my smoothies. But her heart blessed me the most, she had all 5 kids in her mini van. This is a mama of 5, her newest baby just a couple months old and she took her time to love on me and my family.

BUT WAIT....Glitz Salons, has had a raffle to help me with my medical costs. My boss, managers and co-workers have been so loving and supportive. I LOVE my Giltz Family.

This is a play it forward bike, donated to raffle. The generosity of so many people has taken my breath away. I can never repay it, I have tried to think of ways that I can, trust me. The outpouring of LOVE takes my breath away. I want to hug all those that donated. I had some very GENEROUS donors. Donors that didn't even know me that supported me. I have learned so much from others in this journey. I look forward to playing it forward when I get back on my feet. I have been inspired to the fullest.

2 Corinthians 9:7

Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

My deepest thank you's. Anita~