No Poking around!

Wednesday, back for my 9th round of Chemo.

 I was just there Monday getting poked.
Tuesday Andy had to give me another shot of Granix for my white blood cells dropping again.

Now back to Wednesday to get Poked again. This is no laughing matter. I don't like these weekly pokes. I have not gotten used to them and I dread them. The crazy thing is they really don't hurt bad, I just hate it.

I sat in my Chemo chair with mom and Andy beside me. The chairs were all full again. I am getting to know all the faces, we all smile and greet each other. Its really important to smile in this dreadful stage we are all at. Smiles and laughter allows us to drop our shoulders a little bit.  They actually look to me now with jokes from the week before.
We are becoming a little family.
 Gal. 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfil the law of Christ."

April my nurse was hopping again. She is so stinking cute. She is witty and sarcastic, I love her humor with me.
As April was cleaning my port, preparing me for my Poke I excitedly say, "April! Andy cleaned my arm off to give me my shot with my sons Acne antiseptic, Clean and Clear, is that allowed?"
Laughing hysterically, well for that matter everyone was laughing, "Well, its better than whiskey!"

Smiling Deb, my vampire comes into the chemo room. I had this feeling she wasn't there to play cards with us.

Dr. Cotan wanted MORE BLOOD.
"Wait Wait, you can't come in here flirting with me Deb then suck my blood!" More laughter.
I was thrilled to hear they were going to take it from my port.
But OH, if you have a weak tummy, that about made me up chuck watching.

Wednesday we played a new game, Golf. I made it all 9 rounds and lost again.
I gathered up my pretty blanket Angie made me, leaned back and let the drugs invade my helpless body. A shattered smile rested on my face,".. another mile Anita, get another mile down".

I get these extra Pokes because I want to RUN. They are monitoring me very closely.
I have CANCER. I Love Running. But having cancer isn't a cold, or a flu. It is not something you just "get through".
Triple Negative Breast Cancer. The MOST aggressive breast cancer you can get. Then add Brcha1 mutation, it makes it more nasty.
Couple facts:

• TNBC typically isn't usually found until its Stage 3. 
• About 10-20% of breast cancers are found to be triple negative.
• TNBC occurs most frequently in women ages 40-50 (younger than the average age of diagnosis across other forms of the disease), African American women and Hispanic women, and those with BRCA1 mutations.
• It has a poorer prognosis, but if a woman can survive 5 years without a reoccurrence than her chances of survival are high. 
• The average medical cost for breast cancer is $100, 000. 

Cancer Sucks. And in so many ways I feel like I have skewed the image of cancer with my jokes, my running and my positive spirit. But I have always wanted to show you all the Power is in your Spirit. 

So my extra Pokes are welcomed by me. Because my Dr. knows how serious this journey is. He wants to keep me safe and healthy. He wants to keep me monitored closely.  

Truth be told, as bad as my numbers have gotten, they are really just the normal numbers for the average cancer patient that doesn't  RUN. I am breaking barriers at my office. Doing things that have NEVER been done.  

I don't show you my tears. 

After chemo I was slumped. exhausted and sick on the couch. "Mom, Mom, are you ok? Are you in pain, mom....?  Austin caught me sobbing on the couch. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard. I was lifeless on the couch when I saw a photo mom had made of Ariel and posed on me when I was sleeping. 

With hardly any energy and life in me I found this grief that painfully brought me back to life. But it scared Austin. 

I don't talk about the effects this has on my family. Alec, when he sees me on the couch curled up always takes a second to see my eyes, to gauge if I am ok.  And of course I smile as genuinely as I can to comfort him in my misery. 

I don't show you pictures laying on the couch after my Carboplatin. Or share with you my extended belly that feels like I have the stomach flu almost every day. 

I don't complain about the bone aches from the shots Andy has to give me to raise my white count. 

The hot flashes that haunt me now everyday are real special. 

I don't whine about the sores in my mouth or the uncalculated bowel movements. The lack of appetite and lack of sleep. 

How about the lovely sores on my head where the hair follicles have become clogged. 

This is Cancer. It is ugly. I haven't even discussed the mental end of it, the grief. The fears that shadow my tomorrows.  Or what it has done physically to my body, destroying my muscle mass. You know what it feels like to not be able to breathe? To have your heart pounding through your ears so loud you think you are having a heart attack. 

This is CANCER. Its not the flu. Its not a little illness that you just GET THROUGH. And it can NOT be downplayed with comparisons. 

BUT I WILL. Because I am so damn stubborn. And you all know I will. "Oh Anita, she will get through it, she is so strong." 

But I am not. This hurts. It scares me. It is one of the hardest races I have ever ran. 

There is just no other option but to FIGHT. To Fight Blindly, to Fight Bravely. To Fight in Fear and to Fight in Faith. 

Because God is so good to me, He has blessed me unmeasurably. He gives me everything I need to Fight and so much more. 

But I want you to understand, I am strong enough to smile, I am grateful enough that I will rarely complain, I am humbled enough to grow and learn, letting GOD use me for His glory. 

I MET WITH PAM JOHNSON, THE HEAD HONCHO TODAY.

APRIL 17TH, THE FIRST TIME I MET PAM JOHNSON. ANDY AND I DISCOVERED MODS PIZZA. 

Tentatively, I will have a double mastectomy and reconstruction October 30th.

I will be meeting my reconstruction surgeon in the next month. 

And I am hoping I will be able to squeeze in my hysterectomy by the end of the year. 

Over an hour Pam met with us. She did a breast exam and couldn't find the tumor! She did an ultrasound and could only find the marker they placed in my breast weeks ago. 

This journey doesn't stop with Chemo. 

After surgery, I will have roughly 4 weeks of radiation every day, except for Thanksgiving! There's something to be thankful for. 

AUGUST 1, WE MET PAM JOHNSON AND HAD LUNCH AT MODS AGAIN...WOW HAS A LOT CHANGED. 

Special thanks this week to Erin, for our power walk before chemo.

6 miles, the only miles I have ran this week. 

My sister in law sending me a very special care package.
Rachel, Spoiled me rotten with new trailshoes, I was so sick Andy actually opened my gift. I just couldn't believe it,
The love my clients have given me, Kimberly P bringing me lunch, Kristy and husband buying me head wraps, my client Joyce purchasing me a "Cooling pillow" for those darn hot flashes and I had fresh from the oven a heathy banana bread made for me from my client Allison.
SOO much love.

This weeks Cards, Thank you Aunt Lo for the tokens with words of encouragement. 

It has been a struggle this week. Please keep me in your prayers. I know this is a long journey and maybe I have fallen off your prayer list with all my smiles, but my body was pretty beat up this week. I fought hard and I will continue to fight. Because in my Weakness, He is Strong. God has already given me Victory over this, He  is just gonna needs me to be the best Me I can in all this mess.  My hemoglobin keeps dropping, I ask for your prayers. I know God hears them, I have been so blessed by them. 

ANITA~