I'm Trying.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. Dale Carnegie

I look forward to running Thursday nights with Complete Runner and Andy.
Sadly, I have not been able to due to this thorn in my side...My knee and all the broken pieces that have been birthed from my bout with cancer. Residual Damage.

I am trying. 3 miles on Monday. I wanted to avoid that hill on my way home. I also wanted a sub 9min/mi. I came up the hill with hardly any air in my lungs. "GET UP Anita, get up, get up.." I just kept reciting this to myself. 

This morning at PT my guy gave me shock wave treatment again. It hurts so bad. It makes my teeth chatter as he rolls it across my patella. "Nita, is that pressure O.K.?" I dig deep and reply, "Yeah, but the numbers are lower than yesterday."
"Oh, they are?" Chris replied as he increased it.
I faked a smile and looked away.

I spoke to myself, "You can do this, its a minute maybe 2, suck it up Anita..."


Ahh, if only that was the only time I said those words.

I made tacos for Complete runners group run. I needed to run if I was going to eat that and the White Chocolate Sea salt Rice Krispy treats I brought.

Andy said he would stay back with me. I watched the runners getting smaller and smaller as we continued to run, them ahead of us.

I was breathing so heavy. I was trying so hard to not get frustrated with my body. I felt like I was running in mud, I couldn't get my legs to move. My body felt so weak. I could hear my leg dropping as I pumped my arms harder trying to maintain my pace.

I hurt. However, my knee was being kind to me, it was just soo hard.

"Anita, you have nothing to prove." Andy recited to me.
"I have nothing to prove to anyone but everything to prove to myself." I whimpered.

I couldn't talk but my mind was screaming with dialogue.

"Your doing great Nita, are you ok?" Andy asked me as we just climbed a quarter mile hill at mile three.
Out of breath but proud of myself for not walking I responded quietly, "I'm Trying..."

"I'm trying" is all I could respond to Andy each time he asked me how I was doing.
I thought about this for a mile.
"What are you "trying" Anita?"

And I thought of all the things I am "Trying".

• I am Trying to not give up.
• I am Trying to not go too slow.
• I am Trying to not go too fast. 
• I am Trying to not be so emotional. 
• I am Trying to be kind in my responses. 
• I am Trying to be patient with this process. 
• I am Trying to not get mad at life.
• I am Trying to stay strong. 
• I am Trying to not get my feelings hurt. 
• I am Trying to toughen up. 
• I am Trying GOD...Oh God I am Trying so Hard. 
• I Am Trying. 

That's all I have for tonight. I am Trying. Go Easy on me. I am trying soo Hard. 

There are times to stay put and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.  Lemony Snicket

Anita~