|Happy Fathers Day~|
That is where is started for me. I didnt want to participate. She even was kind enough to say "Well Anita you can say something about dad, or someone influential in your life." Yeah, that sounded good to open ears, but not to my broken heart. I plastered a smile across my face but wanted nothing more then to be home in my safe place. This day was bigger than me and I didn't want to be self centered or selfish but for some reason or another this year it really hit me.
Yesterday Andy bought a new shirt and the collar didn't seem right and my comment was "Well, I am not sure how it should go, I never had a dad that showed me."
I have been without a father for over 25 years. It is all I know. As I sat there listening to the others tell stories about their father I looked across from me and (my other sister in law..married into the family also) had a perfect grin across her face as her father was absent from this Fathers Day event too. She caught my eye as if to say "Its gonna be OK."
But it sucked. I didn't have a amazing story. Not even hardly a story, Like a handful of memories, not enough to even fill a chapter in my life. I didn't have a legacy. What if I said "Yeah, Here's a story, I remember when I was 11 and it was a hot summer and my dad came to stay with us after many many years. See he knew he was gonna die and wanted to have my mom take care of him in his last days." GREAT STORY!
Or how bout "I remember it was that same summer and I went outside in my robe and my dad got mad at me because I didn't have any clothes on and I thought "Huh, Why do you care now...you have not been around for years." Yeah, that's a epic Fathers Day Story, one that will just set the mood.
The sun was settling down and the temperatures were cooling off. I wanted to run in the dark. I didn't want anyone to see me or see anyone for that matter. I even left my Garmin at home. It wasn't 2 miles as I made that turn unto Elliot road it all hit me. Maybe it was the way the sun was setting across the sky. Or maybe it was the tree covering across that dirt road. It was quiet, secluded and without the presence of anyone. I felt my body heave forward in tears. Even as I write this I feel the heaviness in my chest. I recounted the question.."Even someone of influence.." SOMEONE of influence!!! There were NO men in my family that made a Loving and lasting influence in my life. They all loved the bottle, the pills, the pot, and the World and the things of it. Everyone of the men thought of their selves first. I was not a SELFLESS decision for them. It was right here on Elliot road I sobbed. The tears running down my cheeks as I grieved the memories everyone else had. I wanted to share those memories. I wanted a father who went to everything for me. I wanted a father who sacrificed for me. I wanted a father who just put his arms around me. Just one memory to share. I wanted one memory of a man in my family even who put their arm around me and said I love you, You are special, I believe in you..anything. I cried out loud away from everyone. No one could hear me, no one could see me. As I came out to the paved road I saw a father with his daughter on a golf cart. My throat filled up with another knot and the tears came streaming down my cheeks again. I wanted to say "Love that little girl, spend time with her, let her know you love her and you will always be there for her, Give her beautiful memories that will stay with her forever so that she isn't sobbing alone down some dirt road crying over something she never had and should have had."
You stretch and roll and prepare for the next Race. You run repeats, hills and long distances in the blazing sun. You eat foods that you wouldn't feed your infants, take supplements that your belch up for hours and have every running trinket there is.
Do you put that much time into being a father???
Do you work and train that hard to be the best dad you can be???
I just want to remind you what legacy you leave behind..Your medals collect dust, get lost and carry a value greatest to you.
Take your role as a father as the most influential race you could ever run. Leave a legacy of love, honor and time with your children.
I am thankful to have gotten out of the generational mess of addiction. I am thankful for Andy for being such an incredible father to our children. It is awesome to see how Andy performs as a father to not only our kids but also to my nieces and nephew. I am thankful for the fathers that did influence me.
Andy's dad has been very good to me.