I wanted to share a little memoir. Addiction. It is everywhere. For many of us it is woven in our families. And for many others we Choose Not to deal with it. It hurts. It disappoints. It sucks the life right out of us. But it is real. And it doesn't go away even if we do. I believe Life will make you bitter or life will make you better. The hardest obstacles we go through are the biggest building blocks for life. We just have to run through our obstacles with faith and perseverance..
MEMOIRS OF RELAPSE
This week was a good week. Mom doesn't appear to be drinking. After dealing with her spills and falls for the past few weeks I just didn't know how much more I could take.
This morning I had a a bowl of cereal on the table waiting for me before school. I even had a little letter saying "have a great day, Anita, I love you, Mon. (That is how she always signed her name ,it really said "mom" but her cursive was not followed through. Hmm, I thought I will take it, I will have a good day. I will not argue with her & I will make her proud.
School is out and it was a pretty good day. I could stay at school all day and night. It feels like "Controlled Chaos". I love hanging out with my friends and I even enjoy doing school work. At school I can be anything I want to be. No One has to know where I come from and no one even cares..Its high school; They are too concerned with their selves to dig deeper into me. Other than addiction-high school is the best form or Narcissism I know.
Off the bus now. How embarrassing 17 years old and still riding the "cheese wagon" UGH..
As I walked home to my trailer I wondered if mom was still gonna be in a good mood? If she still wasn't drinking? Or if she had come out of her bedroom yet?...If she was even gonna come out of her bedroom? What could I say that would keep her in a good mood? I Could show her that Language Arts paper I got an A on. Or I could show her the article that was printed in the school paper? Or maybe I should just do what I always did..Go straight to my bedroom and put on some Prince or David Bowie in the cassette player and go to sleep.
The door was locked. So I knocked and knocked. UGh. I know she hears me. "MOM...open the door, Please". Stay calm. I go to her bedroom and knock on her window.....no answer.
Great, Now I have to climb through my window.
I take off the screen and push the cheap windows up and toss my bags through. I hoist myself up pulling my torso through with my legs dangling and my belly scraping the track. "This is so embarrassing, why wouldn't she answer the door" ugh.. As I walk in I smell the stench of burnt rubber....
Great, I walk into the hall and the smell gets thicker and more toxic smelling. The house is spotless, but as I look at the oven it is spewing smoke. Oven Cleaner...Oh NO..
There is another note...barely legible this time. I have to clean the oven. Seriously..It has plastic all melted in it from when she left it on drying margarine containers.
I knock on her door.
I try to open it...its is locked
"MOMMMMM" "Open the DOOR"
I manage to open the door but she has a dresser against it...
I think I am gonna throw up. Please mom...not again...Please let me see you...
"GET OUT OF MY ROOM".......
She was totally slurring..
Now I am mad...She can look at me if she wants to be like this...
I push myself through the door pushing the dresser with it and squeeze myself into her room afraid she might throw something at me other than verbalities...
She is in the bathroom...Her room is a mess, her bed isn't made. I walk to to the back towards the french doors leading to her bathroom,
I am Angry..WHY...
Everything was going well.
We were getting along.
What happened, What did I do..
How could she do this again..
I think I am going to throw up..OH GOD....WHYYY
There she is sitting in her bathroom with a cigarette and a cup with her straw..
"MOM...Why didnt you answer the door"
"I dont have to answer to you, who do you think you are, I AM THE MOTHER"
"Mom, are Drinking?".......
"I said GET OUT" "If you don't like it you can leave"...."Who do you think YOU are, Anita...I am the parent YOU are NOT"
RELAPSE.....I hated relapse as many of you also do. While this is one of many relapses . Some of us share similar emotions and pains related to relapse.
I enjoyed writing this out. Yes, it still hurts 2o years later but I encourage you to share with me a moment..This for me was very healing. God pulled me through. Though I often could not see God in it, I could not see God being a part of this chaos..I knew he was there. I did not understand why he would do this but I knew even at 17 he was giving me strength..And He knew....
" Jer 29:11'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans forwelfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.