A Legacy of Love.

 "Full many a glorious morning I have seen." William Shakespeare

I have been working on this for a few days. But the snow really brought it together. 

Everything covered in billowing white snow. Fresh. So calming. Quiet and peaceful. 

I see myself just staring out looking for serenity. Looking for God to calm my spirit. 

Another Christmas of memories not forgotten. 

Memories that tears still rest heavy in my eyes, longing for another conversation, another touch, another moment together with those that have gone before me. 

To hold them one more time. 

I cling to a couple sentiments that represent those I love and miss so dearly, a letter, a bible, a photo to cling to. 

Christmas does this every year to me. SO much joy shared, laughter and moments of love built around the memories of those I miss terribly. 

My grandma and I are notes takers. I had a couple different legacies I could have followed. My Grandma LOVED the Lord with all her heart and soul. She was strong and kind. She loved words. I followed after my grandma, She held the bar I will never reach. I am always so inspired by her strength. She lived to be 99. She had so much loss but never a loss of Love. 

I have learned how to grieve well. How to cry silently. I have learned how to be capable but not comfortable in my grief. Confident in my heartache. 

But God it still hurts so much. All these years later. All these months later. All these weeks later. 

As equipped as I think I am spiritually I get taken out so unexpectedly by grief. I grab all the sweetest memories, I try to analyze and compartmentalize my grief and can't get a grip. 

We all grieve differently. Different isn't wrong. Some see joy where there is pain and some see pain where there was joy. Learning how to grieve is the hardest part. Do it gently to yourself and others. 

Reason #312 I run. 

To Run away from it. 

To Run to it.

To Run it through my head. 

To Run with it. 

To Breathe. To let it all settle it. 

"Come what may, I want to run." 2 Samuel 18:23

Christmas afternoon, Andy and I put on our new gear and headed out for a little run. I just tucked in behind him trying to keep up and not slip. I would fall back when the road got thick with snow trying not to fall. My body still weak from months of chemo over a year ago but my mind determined to keep close. I could hear my heavy breathing. I could also hear those voices I was running from. I tried so hard to not cry in fear the tears would freeze. "Keep Running Nita...just run...."

LAST NIGHT. 

I was texting my sis in love, Leeanne in Florida. I was trying to convince her to run a race with me. 

ME: Hey, Don't give up because your old! Cuz  your only 4 more years older than me!

Leeanne: Yes but your amazing and more dedicated!!

Me: No, I'm just stubborn and emotional!

I run to control the emotions. Reason #263

Rundown: 

My miles are down, maybe that's why my emotions are high! 

To all those struggling this Christmas, I know I am not the only one, I am sending you a hug. 

Love Conquers All. 

Anita

Pilgrimage.

 "And that's the way I connected to God, That's how He speaks to me. For some reason storms give me peace. Because I know He's in charge of it. So in the same way He's in charge of my natural storm, He's in charge of my spiritual storms, My emotional storms. The human condition. When I am broken, when I want to give up, I know He's there." Pastor John Gray

I struggled getting out the door today. Monday, a day there is never enough coffee, never enough time and never enough energy to get through my endless list of procrastinated chores and deeds.  The motivation to tackle everything is there, the intention is there but I keep interrupting myself leaving half done things scattered throughout the house. 

I NEED TO FOCUS. 

Get out the door. 

Hello Winter. 29 degrees and windy. Monday Runday. 

All alone in the woods, I decided to run silently. Unplugged. 

Even hidden in the tall trees, the wind cut through me.  I was void of ambition to dig deep. I planned to run 12 miles, however, 10 miles sounded good, maybe even 9...

"Just get through the first loop Nita." I coaxed myself. 

"You have no race your training for, just take it easy." I reminded myself I wasn't training for anything anymore. My 50K, Yankee Springs was cancelled. Cancelled of course the day I ran 21 miles. My luck!

Somewhere between mile 2 and 3 I came up with a plan. *Take the first loop easy, walk the hills, keep your heart rate down and then try to shave off some time on the second loop. No music the first loop, try to work some stuff out in your head, then the second loop, tune it all OUT with music. 

I took the first hour and 8 minutes just thinking.  As Pastor Gray spoke of the oneness with God in storms, I related to this as I maneuvered solely through the trails at Holly Rec. 

I went through my emotional storms that I have been battling. Listening to my reasonings, my aggravations, my justifications and the narrative that I spoke to myself. I dissected my thoughts, ultimately asking God to "Search me..." 

The miles seemed to come together quicker than my solutions to being a better person were. 

But as I followed that last mile in, I gave it all to God. I had peace that I had sought Him in the cold and windy storms I have been battling. 

I turned my music all the way up for that second loop. 

Psalm 84:5-7 "Blessed are those whose strength is on you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage." 

This was part of my morning devotion today. 

In the first loop, I was thinking of a half dozen ways to NOT run 2 of the 6 mile loops. 

But I knew I had to keep moving. This is what "pilgrimage" means. Journey. Trip. Mission. 

As bad as I wanted to quit, as fatigued as I felt, I knew I had to keep moving. 

It took everything I had to just keep moving. 

As I came unto a hill, "Pump your arms..." I spoke to myself  trying to convince myself I am stronger than I feel. 

As I picked up my pace, I felt my heart pumping hot blood through my veins. My cheeks began heating up and I could feel sweat forming along my neck. My music was loud that I saw deer, squirrels and birds scattering as I came down the icy trail. I smiled. 

It felt good knowing I didn't quit. It felt good knowing I was only as strong as I convinced myself. I felt good having a "come to Jesus" meeting to prepare me for the day. 

I felt good knowing I didn't solve all my issues but I had peace in them. 

Anita~

Rundown: 

I took 3 RECOVERY days this week. I worked 4 days this week. On my feet all day doesn't make good run days. 

I also cross trained Wednesday, only running 3 miles but biking 15 miles. 

TOTAL weekly miles: 54.6

I was super stoked I got these miles, I had a lot of big runs preparing myself for a race that got canceled. I wasn't too disappointed. After the injuries I have come out of, I am grateful to still be upright! 

Sun burns in December

 

One summer many moons ago I got a really bad sunburn. The kind of sunburn that you can hardly move, you feel like your skin is cracking. Clothes hurt, you can't sleep at night, even a shower feels like you are getting pelted with sand. Every day you expect it to get better only to have new symptoms. Your skin is so sensitive that it makes everything you do a struggle. 

That is what so many of us are all like these days. So many people are struggling. We are hurting from depression, isolation, they are hurting from finances, fear, and the list goes on. 

I am so grateful to be cancer free but the reality is life is like that sunburn. I am healing but I am still so sensitive. I am cancer free. But covid has not been a great environment to heal. 

The world is struggling themselves. I am struggling with this whole covid pandemic and I have all this stupid residual damage from my cancer. 

I asked Andy last week if it is possible for an extrovert to turn introvert? I find myself so emotionally sensitive these days that isolating has been my safest choice. 

I have paused painting rocks and started painting birdhouses, just as ridiculous. 

Running is the best therapy. Most of my runs these days are solo. Do you ever listen to your own narrative? 

What do your thoughts say? 

What do they say about others? 

What do they say about yourself? 

I want to enjoy people. I want to be carefree and transparent. I want laughter and love. 

But its a struggle. 

A struggle for all. 

"Thank You"

I went out for a 7 mile run Saturday. Easy solo run. Just a run to feel the crisp morning air. To turn the legs over and to smile as I counseled myself. 

I ran through downtown Holly pain free and grateful. I looked around at all the deflated Christmas decorations and laughed to myself at the similarities I shared with them. 

As I ran down Saginaw I saw my favorite white boxer being walked by his own, Franz. 

I always say "Hi". You see, Franz lost his only daughter in 2016, murdered on Fish Lake Road, running. Her murderer never found. I organized a run in her honor where I met Franz for the first time. "Ally" was his only child. 

Yesterday, I didn't just say "Hi", I stopped. I didn't even bother to stop my watch. I asked if I could pet his dog, Zeus. Franz cheerfully said yes and proceeded to tell me about his dog. He didn't recognize me all bundled up so I reintroduced myself. He shared his broken heart, explaining that Zeus was a rescue dog to help him and his wife with their grief, but the truth is their fur baby actually rescued them. 

I just listened. I looked at him, deeply, into his wounded heart. When it was safe I gently told him it is always great to see him and Zeus and he replied, "Thank you, thank you for talking with me." 

He just needed me to be present. To meet him where he was at. 

"Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." 

Loving one another. Loving the broken. Encouraging one another, edifying and supplying your gifts for building others up. 

Some days it is hard to do this, it is hard to give when you feel empty, you cant give from a empty cup. 

Ahh, but how our cup fills when we love others. 

Many of us are sensitive right now. It made me feel good knowing I made him feel good just by being present. 

RUNDOWN: 

Weekly miles: 46.25

Longest Run: 17 miles @ Highland Rec

Today I start my "Back to Back" run in preparation for January 2nd, Yankee Springs 50K. I had to really talk Andy into running with me. I needed company! 

Today 10 miles, tomorrow 20-22 miles, between 4-5 hours of running. I am curious to see how I do. 

A little nervous. Its a lot of time in my head! 

 Anita!

"Running has taught me to love my brain, my body, and what both can do for me when I use them wisely and appreciate them." Meggie Smith 

What if....

"Pulling up a crop to help it grow" is a very old Chinese proverb.  I read about it today doing my devotion. This particular proverb is about an impatient man in the Song Dynasty. He is eager to see his rice seedlings grow quickly, so he would pull up each plant a few inches. After a day of tedious work the man surveyed his paddy field. He was happy that his crop seemed to have "grown" taller. But his joy was short-lived. The next day, the plants had begun to wither because their roots were no longer deep. 

You can not cheat whatever "Crop" you are trying to grow. 

This was a great illustration for me this week.  

The voices in your head during a long run can be quite exhausting.  I want to have my old legs and lungs back. I want to be stronger, faster better and I want it now. I feel the frustration growing as I struggle running in places that used to be easy. So much effort with minimal results. It all just seems like a whole heck of a lot of work.  

This proverb was such a gentle reminder that growth is not something that happens overnight. And you can not cheat trying. 

Cancer was a huge set back. I want to see the fruits of my labor but growth takes time. And growth is not always the picture we see it to be. I am almost 47 years old, I may never see the strength or pace running I had 2 years ago. These thoughts can be discouraging especially when you are laboring so hard. 

BUT yesterday as I ran I thought..

What if.....

What if I quit trying back in April 2019 when I was first diagnosed?

What if on my days I got chemo I decided I shouldn't run rather than getting up early to get a few "junk" miles in? 
What if on the days I didn't feel like it I stayed on the couch rather than at least going for a walk? 

What if when my oncologist said "Anita, if you are going to run then you have to come in another day during the week for blood draws so we can monitor you closely and I said "No" because it hurts and takes extra time? 

"What if on those days I cried from exhaustion and discomfort I never even tried? 

What if when I tore my meniscus in January I decided "God didn't want me to run"? 

or What if when I suffered for months from PF I quit everything and never got on the bike that I HATE? 

Would I be running now?

Would I have been able to do the very things I complain to myself aren't good enough? 

This little Chinese proverb was such a great reminder in  multiple ways

1. Keep doing the work
2. You can't cheat growth
3. Never give up
4. Find gratitude

Saturday, I headed out to Holly Rec. The plan was to run 3 loops, 18 miles. I was prepared, I had my nutrition, my hydration my rocks to hide and even a battery for my phone so I could listen to music. 

It was a solo run but the park was not lonely. My first loop I felt great, I stayed on track. The second loop I went into it feeling good. I met some new runners and said "Hi" to everyone and their dogs. 

I paused my watch as I hid a rock and off I went. I heard a "beep beep" noise and discovered I forgot to start my watch. I wanted 18 miles. I did that 2 times, forget to turn my watch back on after dropping a rock. I knew I had lost at least a half a mile. I wanted my watch to say 18 miles. So I ran extra. I was so tired I actually fell going down one of the hills smacking my left hip. I seem to favor my left side. I fell in the same place last week and I still have a angry scrape across my shin. 

It was then, wiping myself off, assessing the damage I began to pout in my misery. 

There was no cutting corners to get to 18 miles. I knew I had to just get back up and keep going. 

I found that frown begin to grin...

I was going to finish a 18 mile run. I was hitting my goals. 

I never cheated my crop. 

When all the odds were stacked against me I never quit. 

Growth takes time, its hard work, it hurts, but you have to keep working. Learn to be patient in the process. 

Another Chinese proverbs says: 

It is impossible to add much weight with a single morsel; it is hard to travel afar with a single step.

One can't expect success overnight. Used to encourage people to work hard instead of seeking an impossible shortcut.

But GOD'S word says it perfectly.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Gal 6:9

WHAT IF you quit before something amazing was about to happen?

Anita~

Another Turkey trot in the books with these ladies! 

Get a grip

 

"Smile" my cheesy talent

I am really trying here. I find it best when everything seems so chaotic to just back deeper inside myself. I have gotten so afraid of relationships, conversations, interactions that I think it is best to communicate as little as possible, although that even gets you in trouble these days. 

I repeat mantra hoping that I will act accordingly.

"You can attract more bees with honey than you can vinegar." 

"Kill em' with kindness." 

"Turn the other cheek..."

"Try to walk in their shoes.."

But even all the good intentions and apologies, all the transparencies and gentleness does not calm storms. 

I have been trying to just "Get a Grip" and calm the storm inside myself. 

"I long to complete a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble." -Helen Keller

 

The storm I am fighting is to just come back. To feel alive again after all that cancer BS.  This covid life has stole my recovery year from me. It has taken my celebrations. It has angered  souls, embittered relationships, and covered so many of us with confusion. 

Today, I was trying to do something a little more than mediocre, something to get me out of this funk and it held a questionnaire. 

One of the questions ask you to describe a talent you have. 

I just couldn't think of any. I put Smile. Cheesy, right?!

I really have no great talent. I am a pretty average Joe. But oh if my heart could just speak it is full of zeal, it does backflips never performed. My heart is exploding with useless talent. 

I have the heart of a lion but I am just a pipsqueak in comparison. 

This week I did some epic runs. Runs so average in the world of running but in my world they were great and mighty. 

"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or parish. And if that be so, why not now and where you stand?" -Robert Louis Stevenson

Last Thursday, I challenged myself to a run with Danielle at Kensington and Island Lake. I knew I would be chasing Danielle. Kensington is a tough trail and it hurt the whole time. Every time I looked at my watch I knew why I was out of breath and in the hurt locker.  I tried to not let my pain confuse me telling myself to "get a grip" and don't quit. 

When we finished I got all choked up. I broke a 2 hour half marathon. I honestly thought just 2 weeks that was never going to happen again. Danielle encouraged me the whole time. 

It's in the little things that weigh in our hearts to epic proportions. I can't solve the worlds problems, I can't calm everyone's storms but I can get a grip on my storms. I can fight my battles. Set my goals and chase them. I can find humble tasks victorious. 

Anita~

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10

Out of Sight

I wear other clothes other than running, my new skirt from Poshmark! 

     

Last Tuesday, I worked and headed to church for our recovery program that I have done for the last 15 years. The problem with this little routine was me. 

Addiction is a passion for me. Growing up in the chaos of addiction didn't make me bitter rather the battle made me more compassionate for the disease. The problem was not with my passion rather my pain from surgery less than a week prior. 

I touched up my make up, pulled up my boot straps and headed to Waterford to love on those struggling worse than even I was. 

Covid has really interrupted the recovery program at the River and many recovery places all over. 

After Roger spoke, we all left the auditorium to go to our individual meetings.  

Every step hurt to walk from the auditorium to downstairs where my room was. My thighs and hips were dark from angry bruises. I winced every time I had to get up or sit down. The pain took my breath away and fatigue had now set in as the clock approached 8pm. 

OUT OF SIGHT

We all sat in a circle. "Anita, I was surprised to see you here after your surgery." Angie was the 3rd person to express her surprise to see me. 

I sat there dressed from work, with a genuine smile across my face disguising my pain. My ruffled dress concealing my blackened legs. I had a late coffee to keep me from showing my exhausting. 

"....aren't you in a lot of pain...." She follows it up with. 

"Yes, I am but it's all good." I reply.

"Are you on any painkillers?" 

"No, no, I have gone this long with out them, I am not starting now." 

A new lady intercedes "Well, you must not be in that much pain." 

And added "you don't look like your in pain..." 

Concealed. Hidden. Disguised. 

Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. some people are better at hiding it than others. Will Smith 

Soo many are going through a battle you will never know. Don't be quick to judge. 

Covid has birthed a lot of emotional hurt. A lot of grief. A lot of loss. 

Pain isn't always written across someone's face. Some fight with everything to conceal it, that doesn't mean they are not struggling. And some are very open and share it. 

Be gentle with your words and your judgments. 

In other news, 

I tried my first run post surgery one week out. I biked 20 miles and walk/ran 3 miles. 

Yep, it hurt soo bad I think I quit breathing as I gritted my teeth. 

So I tried again the next day with Complete Runner. I ran 5 miles. The pain is in my legs where Dr. Hainer did all the fat grafting. It's soreness to the next level. 

Saturday I really wanted to try and run a longer run. Andy and I ran 12 miles, it was a very quiet run as I tried to listen to my body one mile at a time. I actually ended it early for fear I might regret it later. 

I knew I had to be gentle to my recovering body today. So I headed to the gym. I wasn't sore from running but I didn't want to overdo it and possibly do damage. So I masked up, road the bike, rowed, walked and did some light weights. 

11 days later...Ouch!

”Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” – Mary Tyler Moore

ANITA~

She saw Love not my ugly

ALL DONE! Girdled up and going home. 

 "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" Col 3:14

Wednesday was my final breast reconstruction surgery, with fat grafting. Every step, every movement hurt, I think it even hurt to breath. My body felt like it went through a meat grinder. Regardless, of how much pain I was enduring I had so much peace knowing that I would no longer have to have another surgery. No more booby surgeries, no more any surgeries. I am done. I am tired and I am ready to move forward and start living life unattached to cancer. I want to heal both physically and emotionally.  Cancer brings so much trauma. And I am tired. 

I have only had my breast surgeries at Beaumont Troy. And truth be told I have had so many surgeries there I actually know the staff. 

HERE IS A CRAZY part of my story. On TUESDAY,  the day before my surgery my client came in mentioning he was heading to Beaumont after his haircut. He was representing the CRNA's at the hospital. David my client told me he would make sure I had the best anesthetist. When I showed up for surgery they knew me! He actually set me all up! 

I had the same nurse I had the last time, Janice. "Yes, I remember you, you had the best attitude..." Janice welcomed me. I was very thankful that she remembered me from a good attitude rather than something bad. You never know if you are going to have to cross over the same bridge.

Dr. Hainer came in, marked me in blue sharpie like a science project. 

They came to wheel me down to the operating room asking me if I wanted something to calm me down. 

"Nope, I am pretty relaxed, this isn't my first rodeo, thank you but no." I responded chatting with my nurses like it was their lunch break. 

The room is bright and cold. Still laughing and chatting my nurse introduces me to everyone in the very large room. George is off to my right laying out all the instruments, my nurse anesthetist is behind me preparing my juice and my nurse is putting the oxygen over my mouth, "Deep breath Anita..your doing good..." She repeated that about 5 times, a couple deep breaths later I say to her "That light is getting blurry....." 

And 2 hours later, I was shaking, cold and groggy trying to will my body awake.  

"Hello Anita, how are you, can I get you anything?" A new nurse asks. 

"Coffee please." 

2 days later...

These were actually taken today. 

My legs are pulverized. The deep purple welts were now connecting turning my legs angry and blackened.  This time it hurt even more than the last time. I had so many holes where Dr. Hainer tried to get fat I was afraid I might spring a leak. My hips, my thighs, my belly, I had steri-strips all over my body. Every time Andy looked at me he cringed. 

My nieces and nephew spent the night with me Friday night. Even though I was in the hurt locker I wanted the company to keep my mind off my misery. 

Saturday morning, I snuck into the shower. I averted my eyes from the mirror as I gingerly removed my cloths. I climbed into the shower. I was scared of even the water touching me. 

I heard little footsteps. "Oh God NOOO" I cried to myself. There was nothing I could do as my niece popped her head through the shower curtain. I had no place to hide. I grabbed the wash cloth desperately trying to hide my mutilated body. "Annt Neeta.." 

I was mortified in my ugliness. I was so scared I would frighten her. 

But I didn't. 

She didn't even notice my horridness. She just looked at me with total adoration and love. 

She walked away and I began to cry. 

She saw love. She saw security. She saw her Aunt, flawless. She saw nothing physical at all. 

This was how we should see one another. 

I wanted to hide in shame. Embarrassed by my scars, decolorizations and ugliness.  

But she didn't see my shame. She didn't see me imperfections. 

I started this post sharing my last surgery but I wanted to end it by challenging you to love this way. 

To love blindly. 

To love unconditionally. 

To love the unlovable. 

In my shame she loved me blindly. 

Lessons from a toddler.

"You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

Anita~