A Lil Bump in the Road

"Nothing is intolerable that is necessary." Jeremy Taylor

I started yesterday out with a run. Claudia and I got 6 miles in before I had to go to chemo. I try not to get frazzled but what I end up finding is myself tucked in the woods looking for leaves that are not poisonous with tummy issues. Nerves.

I really need that run before chemo. That lil run allows me to feel some what like I am in charge. That Cancer isn't taking away all my passions.

Tuesday, when I got my blood draw my numbers were not good. My hemoglobin had dropped to 8.6 and my neutrophil count was down to 1.3. This caused some ruckus.
Andy asked the question "How low does it have to get....?"
I was just about there. Deborah my PA asked if I had a menstrual cycle because my hemoglobin had dropped so low. "No, I have only had 1 menstrual cycle in 12 weeks."
I added that I am having terrible hot flashes.
"Yes, the chemo suppresses your estrogen...."
She didn't seem to concerned saying that I was at the drugs nader, that typically 2 weeks out from the Carboplatin your numbers drop the lowest.
We left the office planning for our scheduled chemo Wednesday at 10am.

Mom rolled in before us. It wasn't nearly as busy as last week. We found a chair and soon after Alec showed up. Alec had a blow out on I75. He drove 5 miles down to Dixie and pulled in at Walgreens.
A police officer had pulled some guy over. He came over to Alec and asked him where he was going.
"My mom has chemo and I was going to be with her."
The police officer escorted him to my chemo! That was really nice.

Tammy was cleaning my port and preparing me for my poke. Alec couldn't watch. Poor kid. He was trying to be brave.
Before she was able to really get my premeds in she came over to discuss my having to do home shots to increase my white count.
This was new. Andy was going to have to give me shots 4 days in a row of Granix
to help get my white count up. More pokes.

The UPS man delivers these. 

Within 10 minutes I was OUT sawing logs. That darn Benydryl.
Everything was pretty smooth and I was home by 2pm sleeping it off.

Hot flashes and snoring...A site for sore eyes!

The problem with the Benydryl is you initially cash out, but then it has the reverse effects on you at bedtime. I woke up about 4pm from napping and I have NOT gone to sleep yet!
Our air went out yesterday, I had hot flashes from the bad place, my legs were twitching and I couldn't SLEEP. Because I knew it was the Benydryl I never got frustrated, don't get me wrong, I was pleading with God to put me to sleep, but I didn't get upset.
Just a brief lil update.

Thank you for the awesome sliders Loren and Angie.
I have gotten some very special cards in the mail. I save everyone. They lift my spirits up so much.
I know this is a long process,  I am so grateful to all of you that have continued to love, support and encourage me in this.

"Nothing is intolerable that is necessary." Jeremy Taylor

So many of us struggle with health issues, family issues, life issues to broaden the spectrum. But many of us get so discouraged we quit fighting. We loose ourselves in our pain. We get derailed and forget to keep fighting and just settle. This cancer and all its treatment is necessary. But more importantly it is necessary to stay positive and have a good attitude to help me tolerate the process more. 

I encourage you to keep fighting. Keep doing the hard things. Don't compromise because you are tired. Pause. Take a breath and get back out there. 

Anita~

The Frog Days of Summer.

My head looks like a cactus! My hair is growing in or maybe the stubble I never lost is growing. Whatever the case, I still laugh at my bald headed photos. I look like a lil Mexican Samurai! My cheeks swallow my eyes and my scalp is still so bald it shines!
Oh how it would be cool if Halloween was in July.

Cancer, I smile at this cancer. Yes, it is a tough road, one of the hardest things I have ever had to battle. But oh, the journey in all its suck has been so sweet.

For the first 18 years of my life I cursed my birth. Everyday was a trial, a heartache, everyday was filled with heartache and confusion.
Addiction, abuse, chaos, a life without any control. A black cloud of unfortunate events followed me. I questioned God every day. "Why God, why would you breath life into me to have me live in Hell?"
I thought God hated me. I thought I was a mistake. I felt forgotten.
Why God would you take my father? Why God would you take my mother? What did I do? I'm 18, wasn't it enough to live so terribly for 18 years that now I am left alone?
The despair led to destruction without purpose.
I couldn't see my purpose, all I knew was how to fight. I didn't even know what I was fighting for. Often times I fought for the wrongs things, disorganized in my pain.

I am 45 years old. Nothing was a mistake. My life was designed with a purpose. No, it is not Gods design to have broken homes, broken hearts and broken futures.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3

I choose to smile through the tears, have a little humor through the trials, and keep fighting.
Whether I was fighting for good or evil I was still fighting. Many years I fought without vision, just flailing at undeserved agony. Sometimes, I was fighting for second chances and sometimes I was fighting for lost yesterdays that needed to be let go.
But I fought.

AHHH...all that fighting. Did it train me for this cancer?
Did it desensitize me to the pain that cancer brings?
Did it strengthen me to endure?
Did it prepare me emotionally?
Did it provide me with the tools to fight without bitterness?

Oh, I believe it did that and so much more.

I try to be transparent in my journey, not letting the realities of cancer be sugar coated but sharing my story with a buffet of goodness.
There has been unmeasurable goodness, generosity, love, compassion, so much so I often feel unworthy of it. Humbled.  Astounded.

With eyes wide open, a heart softened through tight clenched fists, continuing to fight I see so much more beauty in these ashes.

RUNDOWN: 

I have been able to enjoy a little sun, I have been to the beach and poolside, the lil things. 

I fight to lace my shoes up. I take each day as a gift. I try to make the most of what I have when I have it. I have no time to sit on the pity pot, that really is a shitty pot, no thanks.
I get to RUN. I get to do what they said I couldn't do this well.
Against the Odds I am doing more than I ever thought I could do.
The heat has been stifling. I get up at the crack of dawn to run. The black flies are full of evil leaving welts on me. The humidity sucks the life out of you but with GREAT JOY I run!
Bloated toxic belly, crop dusting poison for miles, I am so stoked to be running!

My weekly miles, down from last year by about 15 miles.  I am more than spoiled to have almost 40 miles this week. Speed work, not happening. I am focusing on my endurance more than tearing my body down with speed. 

I have a couple races I really want to do....I am trying to get my long run up, with wisdom and patience. 

One mile at a time. 

"Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal darkness, yet become something beautiful." Anonymous

Do you BELIEVE?

"For every ailment under the sun, there is a remedy, or there is none. If there be one, try to find it; if there is non, never mind it.-Mother Goose

My double A's were never the "Apple of my eye" 

This cancer can have them, I want LIFE. 

*I have received my recent lab results to share with you. 

*Sunday I ran 10 miles.

*Monday I ran 14 miles. 

*Monday I had a blood draw at 10am, DIRECTLY after running, within 30 minutes from the time I finished. 

* The last time time a couple weeks ago I had my blood draw after a long run my labs were very very bad. 

* My DR. purposely orders these blood draws after my long run to monitor my bodies response to this stresser. 

* We never expected to see good results, but we are always hoping the results will allow me to continue to run. 

LAB RESULTS: 

"Good Morning Nita, so how far did you run this morning?" 

Giggling and somewhat bashful I respond, "14 miles!" 

My vampire, as she calls herself responds as she is putting my needle in my arm, "Girl you are so good!"  And then adds "Why are you shaking?"

I had vomit of the mouth as I responded with transparency "I sucked down a protein smoothie trying to fudge my numbers!" 

Together we just laughed. 

Tuesday Morning my lab results came in. 

Andy was analyzing them. I was scared to ask. 

My last lab draw they were talking about a blood transfusion and skipping treatment. My hemoglobin dropped to a 9 and all my chemistry results were a hot mess. 

"Anita, your numbers are amazing! I can't believe this. Your hemoglobin is 11.5. Let me check your chemistry, that's what really matters." Andy was very focused. 

I was smiling from ear to ear, "REALLY?! How are those numbers?"

"These look great, everything is good....." 

I wanted to dance, sing and SHOUT, "TAKE THAT CANCER, YOU SUCK, I AM WINNING!"

IF you DON'T READ ANY OF MY GARBLE, PLEASE READ THIS.....

THIS IS A Result of PRAYER, FAITH and LOVE. 

Rachel must have text me 3 times telling me she was praying. I get text messages everyday,  "Anita, I am PRAYING for you." 

These number looked better than the numbers of a HEALTHY person running 14 miles with a back to back 10 miler in the heat. 

MY NUMBERS were a MIRACLE. 

"He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge;" Psalms 91:4

This is the Beautiful Bowl from Linda K. It is a prayer Bowl. It is from Compassion International. It comes with little prayer cards. 

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there.'  and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

I am asking everyday for your PRAYERS. This is WHY. Because together we get to be part of a MIRACLE. God LOVES me, in my brokenness, in my mess, in my mistakes HE still LOVES me and wants the DESIRES of my heart. He wants to give me LIFE ABUNDENTLY. He is MY FATHER, full of Love, Mercy and Grace. 

GOD did NOT give ME Cancer. 

But God can Heal me and wants to bless me in this journey. I am so humbled that a nobody like me is a SOMEBODY to HIM. 

GOD gave me a MIRACLE through PRAYER, faith and love. God Heard your Prayers, Thank YOU, thank YOU everyone for loving me and praying for me. 

"Jesus turned and seeing her said, "Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well..."  Matthew 9:22

Thank you Becky V. and North Goodland Baptist Church. 

"Its Just Another Marathon" 

Wednesday was round 2 of 12. 

Aunt Lois sends me a card with every treatment and each treatment is another Mile, mile 6! 

My anxiety wasn't too bad. It was a lot better than the wait for a chair! Almost 2 hours we had to wait. The DR. got to the office late and because Tuesday they were closed (they had no Dr.s) so every chair was full. But I didn't mind waiting, what else did I have planned for the day?!

"April" was my nurse, we actually went to the same school together. We have a mutual friend "Angie", such a small world. 

"April" and "Tammy" were both running around but never quit smiling. That's why I love my nurses, they are my angels. 

After April heard I didn't wake up for 14 hours she laughed, I told her how the receptionist was laughing at how Andy had to walk me out last week. I looked drunk stumbling out of the clinic with enough Benydryl to knock out an elephant. 

"Anita, I am going to cut your dose down from a 50 to a 25 and run it slow." This is why I love these girls, they are always trying to make my treatments better. 

Even though I still cashed out and my legs were still flailing it was so much BETTER. 

**She also recommend me to purchase Prilosec to help me with the bloating and acid. 

I actually awoke at the end of my treatment and felt pretty alert. Mom brought me a smoothie and some Verners, I sucked them both down and felt great.  

Andy kept looking at me, studying me. He could tell this tweak was already better. 

*I still slept when I got home but only a couple hours! 

HOWEVER, a crazy turn of events, I couldn't sleep at bedtime! I was still having twitchy legs at 2 am. I had taken 3 Pm's at that point and I was WIDE awake.   

Regardless, no complaints. It is part of this race I am in. I just have to keep running the course. And Run it, Glorifying God in each Mile. 

Mother Goose, that remedy is Prayer and Faith. You can search all the world and never feel fulfilled. But Prayer and Faith In God allows us to Move Mountains and Never Quit Believing in Miracles. So Blessed that I am a witness to His Miracles. 

Special thanks to Andy for his knowledge and understanding of all this medical process. He is so organized with ALL my tests, bloodwork, appointments and bills. If there is something he doesn't understand FULLY he researches it, but there really isn't much he struggles with. It is such an asset to have a nurse hubby as your advocate. Andy is brilliant. 

Thank you to all of you that have committed to praying for me. So many have asked "Anita, what can I do?"  My answer is PRAY. This is the greatest Gift you can give me, You are giving me miracles unmeasurable. 

Anita~

The Friends you Keep

"Sunshine" thats what Linda called me in her card. So sweet. 

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” 

– Proverbs 17:22

Being so sick came as a little surprise. I know shocking right...
I have cancer you would think you would just be comfortable with being sick, but you never get comfortable being sick.

Yesterday, I really thought was going to be a good day. Typically, I feel pretty good on Sundays.
I tried to do the things that I enjoy hoping that I could just pretend I was not feeling good.
You know, the old "Mind over Matter" mantra.
I woke up feeling decent enough to run 10 miles at Indian Springs.
But the run was not one getting any accolades. I was super stoked to get in 10 miles, each mile I was so grateful for. That hill on the way back in I think we walked more than half of it. I didn't push myself. I didn't try harder to run stronger, I just did what I could do with what I had.
I got home and laid down before I went back out to do a little shopping. I wanted to feel good. I tried to feel good.
By the time I got home in the afternoon from shopping I never got back off the couch. I just had to let the tummy issues run their course and hope for a better day.

So today, I was up at 6:20am in hopes to get another long run in. I still can't enjoy coffee. I did make some peanut butter and honey toast and actually enjoyed it. The honey dripped down my fingers and I found myself laughing as the stickiness made me giggle. It felt good to laugh over something so silly.

I was out the door and running with the girls hoping for more than the day before.

One of the things I try to remind myself is to stay optimistic.
If I don't feel good on Sunday I try not to let myself own that. You can't bring your sadness, your sickness, your discouragements into your tomorrows.
That is just not giving your tomorrows a chance.
So I start thinking positive.
Often times those positive feelings bring friends, like optimism, joy, hope, happiness.

Those are the friends that I ran with today! That is the circle I ran with. 14 miles.
Of course Lacey also met me and even Rachel came out to run with us after at late night invitation.
Running early is a must on these hot days.
The temperatures were in the 60's when we started and when we finished they were still only on the 70's. This made the run so pleasant.
The girls are so courteous. Rachel brought me extra water, Lacey made me walk every mile and hills in between. We were capable of running faster but the girls were very disciplined not wanting me to over do it.

They were running 15 miles, I wanted to run 15 miles and they would not let me. I had blood work at 10am, Lacey didn't want my blood work to come back worse than it was already going to and I was pushing time.

So I skipped out on the last mile, took a 3 minute shower and made a protein shake hoping it would recover my numbers a little for my lab work.
They draw my blood on Mondays because they know I run long and they want to keep an eye on it. I actually really appreciate this. My team of Dr's and nurses have all gotten used to my running and now have decided to watch it, letting me run.

Running has been instrumental to my cancer regime.
From the beginning of this journey I have been told 2 things were conducive to having a good outcome for cancer.

1. You must stay Positive and surround yourself around Positive people. 
2. Exercise. Stay Active and Strong.

I have conquered 5 treatments. 10 weeks of chemo. 

By the grace of God I have been able to continue running. 

I have stayed healthy. 

And I  have been able to continue to work. 

It's Just Another Marathon. I am at about mile 10. I have a lot more miles to go. I am going to have some more rough patches and I haven't even hit the wall yet. 

But I have made it to mile 10! One mile at a time. I have already done more than I ever thought I was capable of. 

God is at the Throne. 

Life presents us with unfortunate events. But Giving up is not part of the Plan. 

This week, special thanks to Ruth and Kenny G. for another amazing dinner, the BEST peanut butter cookies ever. Mom and dad for watching me sleep for 3 hours in Royal Oak for treatment Wednesday. And Claudia for the soups. 

~Anita

New Treatment. Taxol and Carboplatin

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
—Lamentations 3:21-23

"EYEBROWS, I will be back to talk about those eyebrows."
This was a new face in a new place. My clinic was closed along with Troy so we had to travel to Royal Oak for treatment.
This lady had more spunk then all those of us in the waiting room. Her cancer had metastasized and it was in her lungs and throughout her body. But her spirits were joyous and optimistic.
She didn't have eyebrows, eyelashes and had lost several toe nails. She just wanted to see my eyebrows.
After 4 treatments of A/C I have:

• lost most of my hair.
• Lost my appetite for coffee
• my fingertips are sensitive and there is hardly a fingerprint left
• lost my under arm hair and other special places
• my eyelashes are slowly falling out
• my eyebrows are now beginning to fall out

Wednesday, I started the Taxol and the Carboplatin. I had a new gal take my blood. 

I had a new PA to give me my results. 

Hemoglobin was back up to 11.5! 

All my numbers looked great and so did my infected toe. 

And I had a new gal give me my chemo, Amy. 

Amy was great. My appointment was at 1:40, they didn't get me hooked up until after 3pm. 

Within 5 minutes of the Benadryl I was cashed out. My legs were twitching from one of my premeds. 

I was the last patient to leave the 16 bed clinic. Every bed was full at one point. Nurses were scurrying around and people were everywhere. It was sad. the long hallway had beds lining all the way down with patients hooked up to lines, many sleeping, such an assembly. The air smelled medicinal. It made my stomach turn. I could practically taste it. 

Chemo hall,

I woke up after 5pm to a empty hallway, cleaned, vacant and quiet, just me in the corner with my family. 

No card games this time!

I slept over 14 hours, except to eat and other necessary activities. 

Where I laid until bed time!

Andy smiled even though he wanted to stay home and smoke ribs!

Mom and I

But when I woke I was excited. It was the Fourth of July. I have been going to the Clarkston Parade with my family for 20 years. I was determined to go again. 

I painted the barn, looked for something festive to wear and convinced Andy I felt GOOD!

I had a nice time. Mom and dad came and so did my niece and her family. We really had fun. 

I wore a blue and white bandana around my head and stayed as confident as I could. 

But when it was over, I was DONE. I couldn't get home fast enough. 

I am normally a bit sicker. The carboplatin still did a number on me. But the side effects are not as intense. 

I worked a half a day today and slept all afternoon. 

Andy made dinner, he is getting good at using his smoker. Andy's mom gave us some macaroni salad and watermelon it was an easy dinner. I was able to eat and somewhat enjoy it. 

I have only had one menstrual cycle since this process. I RUN HOT most of the time now.  This is so new to me. My head as bald as it is feels like an inferno! I kick the covers off and hear myself whining through the night. 

In a nutshell this new treatment regime is less toxic. They say my hair may actually start growing back. 

We will see. 

One of two very special cards from my Pastors wife, 

My niece Becca with mom and I. 

The cards, the notes, the thoughtfulness and prayers have made this very difficult journey a lot smoother. I used to hate going to the mailbox because it was full of bills. Those bills are doubled but the cards have been such a blessing to me. I have saved EVERY one! 

A special card from my client Judy

This lil card was snuck in my bag in Mackinac from Lisa, one of our instructors. 

Thank you. 

Any one have any experience with the Carboplatin? How did you do on Taxol? 

Mountain at My Gates

Mountain at My Gates

Foals

I see a mountain at my gates
I see it more and more each day
What I give, it takes away
Whether I go or when I stay

I see a mountain at my gates
I see it more and more each day
I see a fire out by the lake
I'll drive my car without the brakes

I see a mountain in my way
It's looming larger by the day
I see a darkness in my fate
I'll drive my car without the brakes

Oh, gimme some time
Show me the foothold from which I can climb
Yeah, when I feel low
You show me a signpost for where I should go

I see a mountain at my gates
I see it more and more each day
And my desire wears a dark dress
But each day, I see you less

Oh, gimme some time
Show me the foothold from which I can climb
Yeah, when I feel low
You show me a signpost for where I should go

Through lanes and stone rows
Black granite, wind blows
Fire lake and far flame
Go now but come again
Dark clouds gather 'round
Will I run or stand my ground

Oh, when I come to climb
Show me the mountain so far behind
Yeah, it's farther away
Its shadow gets smaller day after day

Yeah, gimme my way
Gimme my love
Gimme my choice
You keep me coming around
Gimme my fate
Gimme my lungs
Gimme my voice
You keep me coming around
Gimme my lungs
Gimme my, gimme my
Gimme my, gimme my
Gimme my, gimme my
Gimme my, gimme my
Gimme my way
Gimme my fate
Gimme my lungs
Gimme my choice
You keep me coming round

(Click the title to take you to the link to hear the song)

This was written in between the wings. "..so good"

Music, I have always been so moved my music. It moves me spiritually, physically and emotionally.
It is almost like a second language to me.
My sister in law Kim gives me songs about being a warrior, Demi Lovato "Warrior".
My mother in law and I share songs about Fear.
My girlfriend Sheila shared a really cool song called " My Silver Lining".

We discovered these angel wings. 

MOUNTAIN AT MY GATES has been so powerful to me. It is a little dark, but it is such truth to me. I don't share my dark side often because honestly it scares me and I have to fight like hell not camp there to long.
This is a secular song, but for me...It is very spiritual. It is me speaking to GOD. Pleading with him on this journey, to GIVE me my way, Give me my lungs, my choice and even my fate...

Today as I was meeting Claudia for my pre chemo run it came on the radio. So perfect.

I felt good enough to run 6 fun miles with Claudia, however the fun ended about mile 4 when everything came to a screeching halt. I found myself squeezing every muscle looking for a bathroom! Pre Chemo nerves apparently! Claudia ran ahead of me trying to find me a bathroom while I looked everywhere for a hidden spot I wouldn't get reported!
Thankfully, she not only found me a bathroom, she also found me one that flushed! Its the little things!
Jeff met me after our run to walk the track. Claudia stuck around for another mile and gabbed with us.

Ole Jeffery, Never a dull moment this him! 

"Its the simple things that confound the wise"

I love chatting with Jeff. He is as quirky as me. We share some fun conversations and today we gabbed so much we shared 4 miles!


New Chemo. Today, I start my new chemo regime. Every week for the next 12 weeks, Taxol. They will add a Carboplatin drug to it every 3 weeks starting today.
I am asking for prayers, I read the side effects again last night, that's probably why I about pooped my pants today!
It scares me. I know I will "Get through it". It just SUCKS.
I am heading out to Royal Oak today, my clinic is closed, if you are reading this and could send "Lil Miss Poo Poo Pants" a prayer, I would LOVE that.


Anita.

It was great to see Casey on my run this Morning, I am so proud of this girl!