BLURRY.

 "Now Eli was ninety-eight years old, and his eyes were set so that he could not see."  1 Sam. 4:15

My eyesight has gotten significantly worse the last 6 months. I blamed chemo but I think it is just being 45 and part of the aging process.  I don't wear glasses. I struggle to see close up. Words get blurry, I squint and try to focus but find myself frustrated. 

Thisi is a week of DR. follow-ups.

*Monday Dr. Cotant (Onchologist) 

*Tuesday Dr. Johnson (Breast surgeon, Head Honcho) 

*Thursday Dr. Hanier (Breast surgeon, reconstruction)

Monday: 

The Plan: Flush Port, Follow-up with Dr. Contant and Pathology Report. 

What I didn't plan was a snow storm that had my father in law have to take me.  I also didn't know I was getting poked for blood work. 

I GAINED more weight! I thought I did, it was pretty obvious when even my sweatpants hardly fit! 

Dr. Cotant was giddy sharing the report of a "Pathological Complete Response."
While he took my vitals he forgot and placed the stethoscope on my breasts or lack of. I winced from the tenderness from my recent surgery.  Dr. Cotant is about 6'2,  200lbs. That man jumped in the air like a ballerina! "OH S*%$! I am so sorry, nevermind, we are good, we are not going to do this!"  I couldn't stop laughing. He is very meek and soft spoken, I didn't think this man ever swore, it really was quite comical.

Listen having Cancer is a constant dose of pain. You get pretty use to it but it still sucks. I went to the chemo room to have my port flushed. Tammy my nurse gave me hugs and started cleaning me off with Iodine to prep me for my port poke. 

It hurt more than I remembered. I cringed as she stuck the needle through my skin into my port. But I really made a face when the needle wouldn't pop off when we were finished flushing my port. I tried to be brave as my flesh hung unto the needle. She finally was able to get it to release. My needle head after investigation had a barb on the head. It hurt so bad. But I just laughed and smiled making a joke about it. 

And just like that, after jokes, sweet greetings and a little business it was time to go. But I didn't want to.

Tuesday: 

The Plan: Follow up with Dr. Johnson post surgery. 

Andy and I sat in the room trying to delicately remove my shirt. It wasn't a  button down. It should have been, I can't raise my arms and my chest is terribly tender. I still have the drain tubes in making yet another obstacle. 

Dr. Johnson brings her little self in with great cheer. 0% tumor, so much to be joyful over. 

AND yet another cheerful Dr. appointment. 

I wanted her to go to lunch with us. I didn't want to leave. 

Blurry

 "Now Eli was ninety-eight years old, and his eyes were set so that he could not see."

It was an episode of LONGMIRE. There was a character that had lost their loved one years ago. And there was a scene that character is crying "I just want to see her face, I am forgetting what she looked like and I have no photos...." 

People, circumstances, life in general will always leave something behind. 

I looked back and snapped a photo of Tammy. I never wanted to forget her. But my photo didn't turn out. At first I was sad and thought I would delete it. And truth be told, it was deleted. Andy thought it was a garbage photo and deleted it. But even though I COULDN'T SEE Tammy, I could still FEEL Tammy. One day I may forget what these amazing Dr.s and nurses look like but I will NEVER forget how they made me feel. There are things in life I never want to loose site of. That is the love, compassion, kindness and encouragement that has been given to me. 

Maybe its words that you never want to forget, or words that you wish you could forget. 

Or maybe it is a person, someone that spoke volumes in your life or maybe it is someone that hurt you and their vision brings you brokenness. 

Emotions carry much farther then our eyesight ever will. 

Life gets so blurry. Our hearts become our sight when our vision fails. 

Keep your heart soft. Let go of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness and all the things that will skew your vision. A hardened heart will always struggle to see what God has for you.  

Asking for prayers, I have my drain tubes removed tomorrow, Thursday. I am nervous. I know it is going to hurt like a son of a gun, please keep me in prayer that it WON'T hurt. 

Thank YOU

Anita~