Staring at Myself.

"Don't Let Fear Decide Your Future." Shalene Flanagan

There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I see myself and cringe. 

It has been almost 4 weeks since my last Chemo and my body is starting to get fuzzy. 

The hair on my head is about a half an inch long. The gray has taken domain over the dark black it used to be. My hair is coming in curly as so many have told me often happens. 

My eyebrows are popping up creating a shadow and I love feeling the nubs sprouting on my eyelids. 

My skin is still shallow, often looking pale and splotchy. 

My chemo belly has gone down and I have maintained 109lbs.

But my appearance is still so difficult. 

I prance around like it doesn't bother me, I smile when people stare. Always giving grace.

I go out confidently. 

I own it. 

I accept it. 

But unless you have gone through chemo and have lost all your hair you will never know what it does to you emotionally. 

It is a everyday, every hour, every second struggle to see yourself and sometimes to even be yourself.  

Sometimes I just stare. Andy will walk into the bathroom and see me sitting on the counter inches away from the mirror just staring. 

Staring deeply at the person looking back at me. I will sit there and sit there. I will touch my hair, run my fingers across my eyelashes and just stare deeply into my foreign eyes. 

Sometimes I cry. 

But most of the time I just look at myself trying to figure out who I am. 

What I have learned. What I still need to learn. What am I doing. How this happened. 

I am so shocked at how completely different I look in just a matter of months. 

I don't recognize myself still. 

It leaves you insecure and vulnerable. 

I have been humbled on so many levels.

But having cancer has been good for me. I have learned a lot. I have learned you have to keep living, and not just living but living life fully. You have to do it confidently, humbly and as graceful as you can. Living life with Love. 

November is fast approaching. Soon the leaves will cover only the ground and the trees will be bare of the beauty that is covering them. 

I have been able to make it to the trails the last couple days. 

Wednesday: Holdridge West loop, 4 miles.

Thursday (Today) Holly Rec Wilderness loop. 6 miles. 

Future Outlook

"Don't Let Fear Decide Your Future." Shalene Flanagan

Sunday: Marine Corp Marathon! 

Wednesday: October 30th Surgery, double mastectomy.

I am trying so hard to be fearless. But it is going to hurt. Truth be told I am scared. I don't do well with anesthesia. I get sick, throw up, and struggle to even wake up. 

I just push it out of my mind and accept that this has to be done. That I will get through it, it will be tough, but there is no other option. 

Then think happy thoughts! 

Like running a marathon with my family! 

Marine Corp is a dream come true! It is both my sister in law, Leeanne, her  first marathon as well as Andys! I get to run this with my brother as well! I am SOOO excited! 

If I let fear lead me I would never leave the house. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the leaves on the trail or enjoy shopping with Austin in Ann Arbor today. 

I had let fear dictate my running, this weekend never would have happened. 

Fear would have stole my dreams. 

Do not let fear own you. 

Anita~